Drowning Lessons

Gerard's P.O.V.

I took one look at that headline, got dizzy and bailed.

When I came to, I was on the couch in the living room surrounded by the guys. Everything was sort of fuzzy, but when I remembered what I'd done, I burst into tears.

"Guys.. p-p-please tell me th-thats no-ot him... I didn't k-k.. I didn't k-... Oh-h, God!" I let my tears flow freely, and talking became impossible. Ray held the newspaper in his hand, and he was staring at the picture of the boy who'd been killed-- It was undoubtedly Rick. They had used the Grade Eleven yearbook photo of him--the last photo anyone, save the mortician, would ever take of him.

I had taken a human life.

A life that hadn't even begun yet.

How could I live with myself after that?

I felt a cool hand wipe my perspiring forehead, and looked up to see Frankie; love, loyalty, and concern were clear in his every feature.

But... there was something else...

Something that I could see underneath all of that... Anger?

No...

Fear.

Was Frankie scared of me? Scared because he now knew I had the power to... to take someone's life?

To kill?

No... I didn't have the power to kill.. I didn't mean to kill Rick, and it made me sick just thinking about it now. I didn't mean to put that knife anywhere into his body and if I could take it back I would... But now its too late. I killed. And he has a reason to fear me.

He has a reason to hate me. He probably did, and I didn't blame him. I didn't blame him... but I loved him so.. so much. I couldn't bear to think that he may not love me anymore...

Please, baby, no... Don't be afraid of me... I'd kill myself before I could hurt you at all... why are you looking at me like this...

I couldn't take it anymore and I turned my head, away from his comforting hand, away from his painful expression.

I am a monster.

And nobody can love a monster.

"Gerard.... You know its.... It wasn't... Gerard, would you please LOOK at me?" said Ray, his voice was steady, but I could tell he was having trouble choosing his words.

I feebly turned my head and met Ray's level gaze with a pitiful expression of torment and defeat. After that initial look, he had trouble keeping his eyes on mine.

"Gerard, it is not your fault. You did what you had to do. He pulled a weapon on you, and you just had the faster hand. You know he would have done the same to you had he gotten the chance. You should not feel bad. It was self defense," he said, his voice growing stronger, clearer.

"It was manslaughter," I said miserably.

"God damnit, Gerard! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and for Rick. He got what he deserved, and, personally, I'm glad we're finally rid of him. He has caused us, especially you and Frank over the last few weeks, ENOUGH pain and misery. You did you friends AND the school a favor by killing him, and I hope he's burning in hell."

I turned stunned eyes in the direction of the voice. Mikey was standing there, white faced, sweating and trembling. He was quite visibly furious, but there was also a triumphant, defiant gleam in his eyes. He had finally gotten his opinion voiced and he was glad of it. We had never realized that maybe seeing his Rick brutally and mercilessly torment his best friend and his big brother for so long had finally taken a toll on the young boy.

"Mikey... I-..I'm sorry.. I had no idea that you felt so--..." I started.

"Well, now you do," his face softened. "Gerard, you're my best friend, my big brother. Do you think I liked seeing what he was doing to you? And he would have stabbed you with that broken bottle had you not killed him first. I know this for a fact. And Frankie, he could have killed YOU! Did you take the time to really SEE yourself after he was through with you? I hope he died slowly and painfully."

We were shocked. Mikey had never had two words to say for himself for most of his life, least of all his teen years. And now... he was this brutal, unscrupulous person who was wishing a horrible fate on this brutish bully. I loved my little brother in that instant more than ever. A whole new light was shining on him, and, timid and weak though he was, I knew he would have willingly fought and died for any of the other four men in that living room right then.

"And you're allowed to feel that. We love you, Mikey. But... guys... I'm the only one with motive enough to kill that guy, spare Frankie. Sure, being bullied for a while wouldn't really make anyone think I'd kill him, but after such recent shit like that was put on my car, it could be a little suspicious..." I said uncertainly, my stomach flipping again.

"Don't worry, love. We will make sure nothing happens to you. If it means we have to lie to police, we will do it. We will do anything we can to protect you. Hell, we'll plant evidence..." finished Frankie with a jokingly evil laugh and a mock sinister smile.

And after that, I was pretty sure no harm could come to any of us.

I had come to the realization, once again, that we were in fact, unstoppable.

Unbeatable.

Frankie's P.O.V.

The weekend passed quietly and anxiously. Everytime someone knocked on the door, the doorbell buzzed, or the phone rang, we jumped out of our skin. We couldn't help but think it was a policeman phoning to get a few questions with "Mr. Way" or coming to arrest him for manslaughter.

Nothing of the sort happened.

School Monday was hell. Finals were so close, and the school board was so brash that they decided we could finish off the year and everyone could grieve over Rick over the summer--on their own time.

We were jumpy and nervous and everyone looked at us as if we were ghosts. We were avoided more than usual--even the jocks didn't bother us. We began to get nervous.

"You will never believe what I just heard," said a white-faced Bob during second period.

"Oh, God, what," I said, rolling my eyes and smiling, assuming it was idle gossip or maybe a new insult or rumor about us.

"Ten policemen are coming to this school at the end of the period to question as much of the school as possible. All day. If they don't get everyone today, they're coming back every day until they do."

My heart started pounding. My mouth went dry, and there was a taste like copper in my throat. The endless chatter around me dulled to a dim buzz and I suddenly became very cold.

"What... what kind of questions will they be asking?" I said slowly, as speaking was difficult.

"I have no idea, but what else could it be about? They're trying to get as much information as they can about Rick's death, and they're hoping by the end of the week to have made an arrest. We all know how Gerard gets under pressure, and if his usual tendencies hold up this week, we know who it is they'll be arresting," said Bob, his face growing flushed.

Many thoughts flew around in my head, some coherent, others quite the opposite. There were some things, however, that rang most loudly.

We have to protect him.

We can't let them take him.

Everyone in this school knows it was him.

They'll tell all they know, and maybe some things they don't, and just think would help their jock friends get revenge.

They're not taking him to prison.

He's not going anywhere.

And if he is, it will be with me, far away from here.