Smoother Me

*Smash*

Another Month. Another Day. Another Hour and Another broken Jack Daniels bottle.

So here I am drinking one of his favorite drinks. Getting as drunk as I can to numb the pain of him not being right next to me.

I can't bring my self to play my drums, which was his favorite thing to watch me do. Especially at Warped Tour. He said he loved the way the sweat made my pale white skin shine so my tattoos looked even brighter.

I can't bring my self to even get up, but I have to not for me. Not for the fans, but because it's what he would want me to do.Thank God this tour is over.

Matt came to the back of the tour bus where I currently was and shook his head before picking me up bridal style and taking me to our shower. Normally I would have fought back, but I can't. I'm took weak. Partly from being this drunk and partly from the pain that was twisting my insides making it hard to breath let a lone walk and the lack of sleep. He walked into our back room and set me on his and Val's bed before turning on the shower. I sat there looking helpless just like I have for the past six months. When the water was where he wanted it he walked over to me and took my shoes off, which was followed by my pants, then socks, until I was in nothing but my boxers. He stripped down to his boxers also before picking me up and putting me in the shower. I leaned on his for support since I couldn't stand up straight since I was drunk and falling asleep under the warm water. It's been weeks since I slept. Each dream is a memory of what I lost. Of what I will never have again.

HIM

"You falling asleep?" He asked as I placed my head in the crook of his neck. I nodded unable to speak. He nodded showing me he acknowledged my answer before grabbing my Axe body soap and grabbing a wash cloth the best he could before gently washing my skin. He washed my skin like I was some fragile doll that would break. But I guess by now I am. Tears started flowing out of my eyes. I couldn't stop them no matter how much I tried.

"You ok?" Matt asked me as he rubbed my back. I shook my head as my breath started to come out in quick shallow breaths. My chest was tightening. I was going to have a panic attack and I couldn't stop it. Normally I can, but my sobbing won't allow it.

"Hey..hey let it out. You need to let it out." He said as he stroked my hair. I shook my head and tried to force my self to stop, but that just made my attack worse.

"Yes let it out. Look at what you're doing to your self. Not only are you starting to have another attack, but you're going drink to death. You have to stop."

"I can't Matt. I can't. I need him here with me." I cried helplessly feeling my chest tighten three times as much.

"I know Jimmy. I know. We all do." he said as I felt him kiss my head. I heard the door open and yet another body joined us. Tattooed arms wrapped around my waist and Matt's as they pressed their body against mine and tried to comfort me. I could tell just by the weight of the head on my shoulder that it was Brian. He, unlike me and Matt, was fully clothed and the door was open letting the floor get soaking wet. Both my arms were crossed over my chest like I was hiding myself as I cried into Matt's chest as I felt Syn's tears fall onto my neck. I heard the song Smoother Me by The Used being played from their set.

"Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine
Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of my days
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?

Let me be the one who never leaves you all alone
I hold my breath and lose the feeling that I'm on my own
(Leaves me all alone)
Hold me too tight, stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
(All the time)

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of my days
Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?
Smother me (smother me)
Smother me (smother me)

When I'm alone time goes so slow
I need you here with me
and how my mistakes have made your heart break
Still I need you here with me
So baby I'm, baby I'm here

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and smother me
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me? (Let me be the one)

Now I can breathe, turn my insides out
and smother me (smother me)
Warm and alive I'm all over you
would you smother me?
Smother me (smother me)
Smother me (smother me)

Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time
Let me be the one who calls you baby
The one who calls you baby."

If I wasn't crying before I defiantly am now. This is the worst feeling ever.

The words were fitting to the T! I cried harder and harder. I heard another person walk into the room and felt them hug me, Syn and Matt, but it's not the person I want it to be. The one person who could stop my crying. MY BABY! This stupid world too him away and now I'll never get to know what he meant when he promised he was going to love me forever. I heard more sniffling and looked over to see nothing, but Zacky's chest, but I knew those sniffles were from Gena, Val, and Michelle.

"That song is deciated to a good friend of ours," I heard Bert say. For once his voice wasn't slurred, "That song goes out to Rev. Yes, the drummer of Avenged Sevenfold. As many of you know he and the band recently went through a very difficult thing. The recently lost one of the most valued members, Johnny Christ, but it's more then that. Rev lost his husband. I heard people talking shit about how the band hasn't been preforming the best. Well can you blame him! I couldn't imagine going through that. Losing the love of my life and in less then a second. He was way too young to go, but you know what. Everyone says everything happens for a reason. It's bull! He may not be here physically, but he's here spiritually. You know that little shit is up there waiting for us with a bottle of Jack in one hand and his bass in his other waiting to strike someone down." As if on cue we all heard a note bing played from a bass.

"Just so you know Rev, because I know you can hear us that wasn't us. I don't even have my bass on." I heard Jehpa say, "If any of you play bass and were watching me. then you know I messed up on a note, but if you listened you wouldn't have heard it. Thank You Johnny! I know it was you and I know you are sitting there laughing at me too." This got all of us to laugh slightly. He's right Johnny is here watching us. My husband is watching me drink my self away. He's watching Matt and Val take care of me like I was a baby. He's watching the bass tech fill in for him and screw up the song, but when I thought about it I never heard a wrong note being played. I thought it was a recording of bass, but I guess it's not. My tears stopped and I pushed the guys off of me and walked over tohis my bunk and got out a fresh pair of pants and his favorite shirt and slipped on my socks and shoes and kissed his picture.

"I love you baby. Always and forever." I said before heading out the door with a trash bag of all of my alcohol.

"Where are you going?" I heard Matt ask.

"Why waste a beautiful day on the bus. Johnny wouldn't have." I said as I stared at his with a smile on my face. I walked out side and threw the bag to one of the techs guys and told him to keep it all, but I didn't stop walking. I walked over to where The Used was playing and smiled up at Bert and the guys before mouthing 'Thank You'. Tears were going down my face again, but not in the way they were before. Now they were happy. Happy to know that my baby was watching me. Waiting for me to get up there, but in my own time. I felt a very familiar scent. The mixture of Axe, Jack Daniels, cigarettes and sweat. I could have sworn I felt the same air of arms that i had been morning enclose my waist before I heard the all too familiar "I love You" whispered in my ear.

"I love you too baby. I love you too." I felt what felt like a soft kiss me placed on my neck, right where Johnny loved to kiss me, before the feeling was gone. I started to get choked up again, but I held it in.

Now I realize that I can't drink myself away. I have to live for both of us. I looked up at the sky and smiled before shaking my head and laughing.

"The little shit was right. There is an afterlife. You'll see him again Jimmy." I heard from behind me. I laughed and nodded my head.

"I know. I know."