Asphyxiated

The rays of the rising sun shone defiantly past his head as she watched from the room, the beams of light obviously not bothering him from the other side of his shades. He leaned steadfast against the balcony as her eyes traced over the contours of his silhouette, and she wondered when she would see his slender form again after today.

She drew back timidly onto the bed and brought her knees up against her chest, the salty drops of emotion falling from her cheeks and splashing to her thighs. She could hardly breathe as everything of the past few years caught up with her all at once; surfacing from the depths of her mind that she’d known existed but never dared to venture into.

I think I’m drowning.

The crystalline tears continued to fall as she silently curled up on the quilt, behind his oblivious back. Those tears were a mixture of all sorts of things. Love – simply because she loved him more than she loved life. Jealousy – simply because she resented the control he had of his own life, versus the fact that she couldn’t control her feelings. Need – simply because her mental state depended on him staying here with her. Hate – simply because she hated him for being able to do this to her.

I wanna break this spell that you’ve created.

It reminded her of what she was like a couple of years ago – just watching him, as he was unaware of her fixation. She’d seen him almost every day for four years and every second in his presence was like a drug. It was dangerous, but she couldn’t get enough of it. Every day that she was at school was like her own personal torture – not for the usual reasons of teachers and schoolwork, but him. Every time she’d had to sit across from him in Math, Physics or any of the other many lessons they shared was a pleasure/pain thing – she loved his entrancing company, but each person that captured his attention more than she did was another arrow to her heart. She begrudged him for making her resent her best friend, simply because she spent more time with him than she was ever able to.

The worst part was that she couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it at the time – he barely knew her except for the smart, shy girl who had a similar taste in music. She could spend every moment of the day with him on her mind but as soon as they were out of each other’s company, he would forget all about her, and she hated it. She was frustrated with the idea that there was a side of him she didn’t know and hadn’t the confidence to explore – no matter how badly she wanted to.

I wanna play the game, I want the friction.

Looking back on her school days, sometimes she could grasp at the luck she felt – the fact that she did indeed get what she wanted after years of longing. She was happy, the gap was filled – well, partly.

“How long have you been awake?” He asked, interrupting her thoughts as he became aware of her. She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and shrugged, smiling softly up at him. His bare feet made the transition from the wooden balcony to the soft beige carpet as he walked across to her and took off his shades, his features becoming distinguishable now – that mop of light brown hair framing a slightly tanned face, a gentle smile painted on his wide mouth as his coffee coloured eyes surveyed her, pulling her up into an embrace with his large hands. She wondered with a pang how long she could continue to look at his face with the same fascination she held through her school years and all through their relationship, before her head and heart finally cracked open. The fissures were there, undoubtedly, ever since he grew aware of how much she actually loved him. It was only a matter of time…

You will suck the life out of me.

The clock read that it was two hours before he had to leave. Her breath left her in a heavy sigh and he ran a hand through her hair to quieten her. Lips comforted her neck and she immediately melted into him, just as she always had done; she could never help it. She screwed up her eyes as his hands moved to her back, pulling her against him as he walked slowly backwards. It had always been this way – she was happy to do whatever he wanted just because she’d wanted him so badly for the two years beforehand, and although he loved her, he used it to his advantage. As he turned her round so her back was pressed against the cold wall, she felt an urge to push him away and get out of the cage of his arms, to call the shots for once before he left – but as his hands brushed her bare thighs, a shiver ran through her system and she couldn’t bear to do so.

I wanted freedom, bound and restricted,
I tried to give you up, but I’m addicted.

Her friends didn’t understand. They saw past him – they found out about his lies, his betrayals and tried to convince her that it wasn’t healthy for her to be so in love with someone like that. But they didn’t know the other side of him, the side she had known through school. The soft side, the caring side, the intelligent, funny side. The side she’d never dreamt could carry a ‘possessive, manipulative streak’, as the girls had described it. It never used to matter to her – the good outweighed the bad by far. She loved him far too much to care, and only recently had it started to affect her mind.

Clothes hit the floor and fingertips triggered electrical sparks up nerve endings and a thin layer of perspiration coated skin as she shuddered and gasped under his touch, his lips curving into a grin against hers. He loved this reaction from her, she knew he did – the knowledge that his name rolled off her lips was something he gained great satisfaction from. He’d never had someone love him quite so much as she did – but combined with his addiction of control, this was a dangerous thing.

You’d never dream of breaking this fixation…

And each time he’d come back to her, and everything that followed the lies and the wrongdoings was the only thing that mattered – his tears, his pleads, his apologies – because she knew it would hurt too much just to let go. But this time as she was pressed up against the wall with her thighs round his hips, all that filled her mind was the imminent separation that came with his new job placement and the fact she couldn’t follow. Something in her mind broke down the barrier, the one that tried to tell her that maybe he wouldn’t cheat, maybe he would keep his word and not use her love against her. By this time next week he would be miles away and she could be a different girl, and he could have security because he knew she loved him too much…

“Stop,” she choked, and he paused in confusion.

“What is it, honey?” he mumbled, opening his eyes.

“Just… stop…” she sobbed, tears clogging in her throat .

I won’t let you bury it.

“Baby, what’s up?”

I won’t let you smother it.

“I can’t do it – not anymore. Not like this. I can’t let it end on a bad note,”

I won’t let you murder it.

“What do you mean? What bad note? I…”

And she tried to push him away, because they both knew that she was right. That it was bound to happen, and it had taken her this long to see the light. No matter how much he tried to tell her he loved her and everything would be alright, she knew it had to come to an end before it suffocated her.

“Stop it,”

“No, I can’t -”

“I love you,”

“Would you keep doing this to me if you did?” she cried, standing limply in his grip as he tried to stroke her hair. She pulled away from him and it hurt just to do that, not to have his arms around her as she pulled her nightgown back on and made her way outside, clutching to the low metal rail that stopped her from falling onto the pavement below. How was she going to survive when he left? Bar school holidays, she hadn’t gone a week at a time without seeing him for about five years straight. She’d dreaded the separation, of course, but ending things completely was something different…

Her eyes focused on the cars rushing by ten storeys below instead of him. He clearly thought she was having a moment of craziness – she saw it as clarity. Her life was him, but she didn’t know if she could take any more betrayals. It was all so unfair – he was her only one, so why couldn’t she be his?

He didn’t answer her, and in that moment she thought her lungs would collapse. He legs buckled and she turned round to face him, her hair whipping in the wind as the wrought iron left imprints in her hands from where she clenched the fencing tightly.

“I love you too… but I can’t do it any more,” she spluttered.

“Look, honey – just come away from the balcony, and we’ll talk –”

“I’m not stupid, I’m not going to jump,” she laughed almost manically, tears streaming down her face.

“I know, but please –”

“Don’t do this,” she pleaded, letting go of the railing and taking one step forward. “Don’t try and persuade me any more, I can’t do it. I can’t take you, you’re killing me…”

You will be the death of me.

“Come here!” He cried out, before making the mistake of reaching out for her. She jumped backwards angrily and felt the railing against her lower back, a pivot as the weight of her torso tilted back with the force of her leap. Her eyes widened in shock as her feet left the floor and her body fell from the balcony, almost in slow motion. She didn’t even scream as the cold morning air rushed past her skin, because all of a sudden about a million emotions came to her, all positive. For the first time in years she honestly felt free as she hurtled through the air – without him, as he screamed from the balcony above. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t intentional – but as the ground became nearer she was almost glad of a release from the man she loved. The pain of the cement wracked her body for a few seconds as her skeleton smashed – but she decided it was nothing at all compared to the heartache that he has and would have caused her had she remained on the balcony – and then, she was free.