Secrets Are Hard To Keep

“Julia, do you think we’re boring?” Maya asked. We were sitting in my suite eating strawberries in the kitchen. All the boys were doing an after concert meet and greet so we decided to hang out here and I must admit, it was dull.

I shrugged and pulled open the mini bar, inside was an assortment of alcohol that the staff had forgotten to take away. I smirked to myself and pulled out two bottles of vodka. “Do you ever drink?”

“Do you?” She retorted. Of course I drank, I was from Hartlepool. There they may as well have run lessons on how to drink on the streets and not get caught.

I unscrewed the top of the vodka bottle and took a large swig of it. It burned my throat but was oddly exhilarating. I needed to get drunk, I wanted to. It had been so long since I’d had any stupid fun like teenagers are supposed to. Kids my age are supposed to be getting anti-social behaviour orders and being yelled at by police to get off public grass.

I wanted to be stupid basically.

I handed Maya the other bottle and watched her as she took a gulp. She coughed and spluttered a bit, straight vodka hurts. “Just keep drinking it, you’ll get used to it.”

So she did. I did. We drank, danced and sung. Practically trashed my suite but I had never felt so liberated in so long. I’d been put on leashes. Don’t do this, you can’t go there, that’s bad. I was sick of it all. I was rebelling everyone and it felt amazing.

“Total eclipse of the heart!” Maya and I sang completely out of tune into our empty vodka bottles back to back on my bed. “Shit!” I shouted as we both fell onto the bed and bounced onto the floor.

“Mothers are killers!” Maya announced through her giggles, surprisingly I knew what she meant.

“My room is a room.” I told her as my blurred vision shook. I felt like nothing could touch me, drunkenness was amazing especially after so long.

Maya was funny to watch drunk, she was a light weight and she had a lot of alcohol in her system. She couldn’t walk so she decided the best way to get around was to crawl or roll. She’d also announced to me that she ‘felt like Bluetooth’ which kicked off a ten minute giggle session inside of me.

I didn’t even think about what would happen when Nick came up to say goodnight. I giggled to my self as I thought of what he would do. Laugh probably. Hopefully. I was happy enough and all he should want is my happiness.

“Joolsie, you know, when Nick… that’s his name right?” I nodded to her, “Well, when he started dating you I was like, no! This cannot be, not my Nick. But I actually like you.” Maya announced everything I already knew.

I smiled at her and pulled my self up from the floor. My hands were out in front of me as I tried to not wobble on my feet but it looked more like I was bracing to pick up a weight lifting bar. I eventually got to the point where I was just swaying so I stumbled over to the kitchen. I chewed on an Oreo and stared at the wall, on it was a painting of a naked woman. People see priceless art, I see a naked woman. That would be about right.

A knock reached my ear and I guessed it was the door, it could have been Maya who I could hear singing loudly to N-Sync. I danced to the door and swung it open. “Hi.” I smiled and threw my self onto Nick.

I heard him sniff the air and I giggled, “You’ve been drinking.” I bit my lip and giggled. “You’re drunk.” He sighed and I shook my head. Ow, that hurt.

“I’m not, Maya is though.” I skipped back into the suite and fell over a shoe. Nick pulled me back to my feet and sat me down on a sofa.

“Sit here while I deal with Maya.” I laughed at his stern face then jumped up on the sofa and danced. I stopped when I heard the music cut off. I watched as Joe and Kevin arrived, I saluted them and giggled. They just stared at me and tried not to laugh.

Nick came through to the lounge room where we all were with Maya in tow, “Do we tell her Mom?” Kevin asked as Nick sighed.

“No, just take her back to our room and sober her up.” Kevin nodded and Joe began cleaning up my room. Nick turned to me and I smiled cheekily at him. He walked over to me and sat me down on the sofa keeping his arms on either side of me to stop me from falling. “How much have you drank?”

“Well, I had milk when I was a baby and I’m guessing I progressed onto a juice substance of some sort—“

“No, tonight how much alcohol have you drank, Julia?” I stared at the ceiling as I tried to remember.

“Oh!” I exclaimed as I got a brainwave. “Much.” I told him, waggling my finger in his face. He battered it away and placed a hand on my forehead. “I’m not ill.”

With the mention off illness I felt my stomach churn. “Shit.” Nick mumbled and picked me up. He ran into the bathroom just in time to watch me puke in the toilet bowl. I really wish he wouldn’t watch me. “You’re so stupid, why did you drink? You’re sixteen.”

Well observed. I wanted to say, but I couldn’t because the puke was coming fast. Nick pulled back my hair as I couldn’t, my hands were occupied with gripping the toilet. Once I thought I was done I sunk to the floor and put my head in-between my legs. Nick held a glass of water out for me and I swallowed some of it shakily.

“Sorry I don’t live with a rod up my ass. I just wanted to have some fun.” I snapped at Nick then groaned.

“You find this fun?” Nick laughed as he paced in front of me making me dizzy.

“I’m going for a walk.” I announced and pulled my self up using the sink. Nick followed me as far as the door and he watched me as I walked down the corridor, I didn’t remember seeing Joe in my room. He must have left. Once I got to the elevator I couldn’t find the button so I settled on the stairs. I pondered how to get down them for a moment and decided going down on my bum step my step would be easier.

Once at the bottom I peered into the lobby to check how full it was. It was practically empty so I strolled down random corridors glancing around me. I walked past a swimming pool which was connected to the gym and stopped. Swimming sounded relaxing right now.

I strolled into the water, not bothering to take off my clothes even though no one was around. The lights were dimmed so I guessed I wasn’t supposed to be here but it didn’t stop me. I needed to get back to the happy place I was in before Nick crashed my party but the water made me relax.

Nick. Nick. Nick. Why did everything I have to do revolve around him? The times I try not to do something for him he comes along and ruins it, I felt like he controlled my life. Maybe I was on strings? Just a little puppet that Nick was controlling, yeah that sounded about right.

I dunked my self underwater to try and cloud these stupid thoughts and because half of me was still wet.

I’m comparing my self to a puppet! I sound like a mental person. Maybe that’s where I would be best, in a padded room where I could scream all I wanted. Or sleep. Man I wanted to sleep, to drift off into a wonderland of my own imagination.

I heard a loud splash which shocked me, I went to gasp and inhaled a lot of water. It was then I realised I’d forgotten to come back up to the surface, my eyes were wide under the water and I faintly saw a black blurry figure. Someone dragged me above the water and I coughed up the water I had inhaled as someone hit my back.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” I processed Joe’s voice as my eyes rolled about in their sockets. I was breathing deeply and out of control. “Julia!” He shouted shaking my weak body.

I opened my eyes. Joe’s face was a mixture of anger, upset and confusion. His hair was pushed back out of its hair line so it was all out of his face, he was fully clothed in a maroon coloured shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. I looked around me, everything was still the same.

“No,” I started but I had to cough again, “I wasn’t trying to kill my self.” I answered and removed his hands from my arms. I walked over to the steps and used the silver pole to help me out. I squeezed the water out of my clothing the best I could creating a puddle where I had been standing. “I was trying to get rid of my thoughts so I could relax and I kind of forgot I needed to breathe.” I explained and stared up at Joe who hadn’t taken his eyes from me.

“How can you forget to breathe?” He snapped.

“Alcohol.” I answered and began making my way out through the gym. Joe grabbed onto my arm as I reached the treadmills. “What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I,” I stared at him waiting for him to continue, “I thought you were dead.”

He thought I was dead? As soon as I imagined it my face dropped. “I’m sorry.” I whispered and hugged him. He rested his cheek on top of my head and held me close to him. “I really am sorry.” I told him once we broke apart.

“You just scared me for a moment. Come on, Nick will be worried.” I nodded and followed Joe all the way back to my room, he left me there and headed back to his room.

As soon as I closed the door Nick was there, “Why are you wet?”

“I accidentally almost killed my self.” I told him, “Let me change.” I sighed and walked past him but of course he stopped me. “What?”

“What do you mean you almost killed yourself?” He exclaimed.

“In my drunken state I forgot to breathe, Joe pulled me out from the pool and I’m alive, ta-da. Now would you like to see a card trick?”

I walked away from him and went to my closet not failing to notice the sudden cleanliness of my room. I changed into a clean pair of underwear and a Nirvana shirt not bothering with pants because the shirt was so big. I began routing around for some medicine.

“There’s some Tylenol by your bed and a glass of water with it.” I headed to my bedside and swallowed the drugs and gulped down some water. I wiped my mouth and sat down cross legged on my bed, staring at Nick as he walked over to me. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” He took my face in his hands and kissed my nose.

“I’m sorry about, well…” Where should I start? “Everything.” I sighed and threw my self back onto my bed keeping my legs crossed. Nick uncrossed them for me and rubbed my leg, “I just shaved.” I giggled and help it up in the air.

He smiled and stroked the full length of it until he reached the top of my thigh. I breathed heavily as his fingers traced the band of my underwear. Nick never usually got this close and it never bothered me before. He pushed up my shirt and kissed my stomach as his hands roamed my legs and bottom.

I moaned as he kissed in-between my breasts and then across my collar bone. His teeth nibbled my neck and I involuntarily arched my back, I tangled my hands in his hair and turned my head to try and find his lips. He placed them on mind with a perfect pressure and pushed his tongue into my mouth. I pulled his body close to me, aching for the friction of his body against mine.

He groaned against my lips and pulled my shirt over my head only momentarily removing his lips from mine. As we kissed furiously I unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it onto the floor, the feeling of his skin on mind was like no other. The softness, the silk smooth feeling. I ran my hands up and down his bare back and I hooked my fingers under the rim of his boxers which stuck out over his jeans.

His hands traced every curve of my hips, every space between my ribs, every single bit he could touch he did. He gathered my wrists in one of his hands and held them above my head. He kissed my neck, breathing his hot breath onto my skin. His lips moved into the dip behind my collar bone, I let out another moan. He kissed my lips once more then rolled onto the space next to me.

“We should stop.” He told me breathlessly. I stared at my chest watching it go up and down quickly. I turned my head to look at Nick who was gazing at the ceiling with a content look on his face. “I shouldn’t have gone that far.”

“I don’t mind.” I chuckled and went back to staring at the roof. I watched Nick’s hands wrap around my waist then he pulled me across the bed so I was against him. I let him put on a pair of pyjama pants on me and put my shirt back on, he kissed my forehead and then my lips.

I leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed Nick’s shirt. I put it on him like he did with me and I buttoned it up for him. “There!” I kissed his forehead and then his lips like he did with me and smiled at him.

I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes, letting sleep come to me.