Sequel: Exposed In Lights ›
Secrets Are Hard To Keep
I asked him to marry me like ten times
I walked out first waving to the crowd, I headed straight over to Ellen and gave her a hug. I stood up and waited for the boys to hug her before we all sat down together. “Hello!” Kevin said to Ellen.
The screams died down and Ellen spoke up. “Wow, it’s so great to have you here. Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for having us.” Joe answered courteously.
We answered some basic questions but I didn’t say much I just smiled at everyone who spoke. But then she directly asked me something.
“So, Julia, we didn’t really talk about this much when you were here last time but as most people know when you were fourteen to just after your fifteenth birthday you were dangerously anorexic.”
“Yeah, I was.” I nodded, everyone was quiet.
“Do you mind if we show some pictures?”
“No, go ahead.” I wasn’t really bothered because it wasn’t an issue for me anymore. And besides, if people could see how I was and how I am now then maybe it could stop them from being as stupid as I was.
On the TV screen appeared pictures of me basically as a skeleton, everyone gasped and were shocked but this wasn’t news to me. “This one shocked me most.” It was a picture of me in an open back dress, man I loved that dress, at an awards ceremony. This was when I was at my thinnest but I thought at the time I was beautiful. You could see my skeleton perfectly, every bump in my spine every rib was sticking out.
I was ashamed of my self now. “Yeah…” I said looking down at my lap.
“You’re a really beautiful, talented, smart girl. What happened?” Ellen asked, “Were you influenced by your surroundings?”
“No, I was just really unhappy. I wanted to be thin for me not for anyone else, I wanted a size zero to look big on me but people seemed to think it’s because I’ve grown up around fashion that I wanted to be… like that.”
“Tell us more about what you were like around that time.”
I really felt disgusting having to admit to all this, but it would be worth it in the long run. I hadn’t really talked about it much with Nick or his brothers, I didn’t talk about it much in general because I was never asked about it.
“I was horrible to put it bluntly. If I saw someone who was fatter than me I’d be disgusted, I wouldn’t talk to any of my friends because they tried to make me eat. My parents had tried so many different things but I remember—” I paused as the awful memory came back to me.
Ellen put her hand on top of mine, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I took a deep breath, “No, I’m good. I remember when my parents brought a specialist to come in and talk to me. I just went crazy and broke everything I could get my hands on. I ended up almost passing out. I could see how much it was damaging my family but I didn’t care about anything other than my self.”
“So what eventually pushed you to become healthy again?”
“I was sat on the staircase listening to my Mum cry on my Dad’s shoulder. She was saying that it was her fault and saying that everyone was right. I discovered that people were saying my parents weren’t good enough parents and that my brothers and I should be put into care. I was upset but above all angry and determined. I packed my bags and left not telling anyone where I was going, I checked my self into a eating disorder clinic just a few miles from my—”
People had started applauding, I’d never thought of that as applaud-able but they applauded and some even got on their feet. Joe put a hand on my shoulder and Nick who was sat next to Joe gave me a smile but every memory felt like a stab in my gut.
“That was really brave.” Ellen told me, I blushed and carried on with my story.
“I stayed in there for about three months with only one visit from my family on my birthday. I wanted them to just leave me to get on with it, I didn’t want credit or anything I just wanted to go and do it and come back and hope people would see that it was really all my fault. My parents are the two most important people in my life.” I told her truthfully.
“You had a really hard time didn’t you?” I nodded in reply, “You’re such a strong woman, Julia. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” Ellen told me and I smiled widely at her. “So, tell us about the songs you’re going to perform.”
I was pleased at the change of subject, “Fences is a very upbeat and pacing song. It’s very honest about the people who are around me, it’s basically me saying ‘for the time being you’re stuck as what you are and you’ll eventually be forgotten’.”
“Who is it about?” Ellen asked with a coy smile playing on her lips.
Miley Cyrus and other Disney stars I wanted to say. “A collective clan of people.” I answered grinning.
“You’ve never told me what the clan of people is.” Nick interjected, I laughed and shook my head at him. “No one except her as actually heard her song ‘She falls asleep’ yet. I think your agent did.”
“She heard the song during rehearsals yesterday because she had to make sure I wasn’t going to drown my career. But that song is more like a story and is about a girl who commits suicide.”
“Oh yeah!” Ellen piped up, “Before I forget and thousands of people kill me. Are you two dating?”
“I asked him to marry me like ten times, he shot me down.” I pouted playfully and he shoved my arm. “These guys are like my best friends and I love them all equally.”
“But, you must love Nick a bit more. You’ve been dating four months.” Everyone laughed.
“We’re loving life.” Nick said taking a drink of his water.
“What a useless answer Nicholas.” I chuckled throwing my head back, “’We’re loving life.’” I quoted and laughed some more.
“I’m being told you brought something to show me.” Ellen said. Yes! I almost totally forgot.
I scurried backstage and put on a jacket and zipped it up. I pulled Ernie from his cage and put him in my hood. I had to be slow when I walked over so not to scare him, I could feel him moving in my hood. Kevin was laughing to himself as I passed him, then Nick and then Joe who were all stood along with Ellen.
“You brought me a jacket.” Ellen joked.
I pulled my hand around to the left hand side of my neck. “Look in my hood.” I commanded. She peered inside then screamed and fell back onto her chair.
The audience watched as Nick pulled Ernie out from my hood and set him on his shoulder. I swapped places with Joe and stroked him. “That was so funny.” Joe said still laughing as Ellen stood back up.
“You brought a rat!” She shouted, “Who’s is it?”
“It’s mine, he’s called Ernie.” I told her as he crawled from Nick’s shoulder to mine.
This was so totally worth it.
* * *
I sat at the grand piano with a microphone in front of my face. I’d just performed ‘Fences’ and now I was doing ‘She falls asleep’ I played the short count up and then the strings started up.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You re why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.”
The beat picked up to a more intense pace.
“She sits alone, on her phone
And she's calling about a broken home
And I don't know what I should say cause she's crying
And feels as though she's thrown it all away
She won't last another day
You're climbing the stairs, unaware that she's hurting
Bad and lying very still on the floor by the door
But it's locked and she was hoping
You would come back for more
But it's too late to realize you've made mistakes.”
It came back down to a normal, slow speed as the chorus took over.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You are why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.”
It picked up again to a very violent and loud aurora.
“Please save me
I've been waiting,
Been aching far too long.”
It slowed back down for the chorus again.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You are why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.
Please save me
I've been waiting.”
The strings dwindled out and everyone cheered, I even noticed a few girls wiping away stray tears. I took a bow and gave Ellen a hug. “Julia Beckham everyone!” She announced.
The theme tune came on and Nick, Joe and Kevin came onto the stage. Nick engulfed me in a hug, trailing his hand up and down my back softly.
“That was amazing.” He whispered. I smiled at him and waited until the cameras were all off to walk away. We all said goodbye to Ellen and then headed back to our dressing rooms.
I quickly threw on my black trench coat and tied the band around my waist after zipping it up. Dean had made sure my bag was ready so I threw it over my shoulder and headed outside to sign for the fans.
I waited in the SUV for the boys and when they got out the back they came straight into the car. I was happy to get away from there. Nick kept me close to him in the car as we drove to his house to spend the short afternoon together and then flying to Mexico City. I’d let so much out back there and I just wanted to sleep.
To escape.
The screams died down and Ellen spoke up. “Wow, it’s so great to have you here. Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for having us.” Joe answered courteously.
We answered some basic questions but I didn’t say much I just smiled at everyone who spoke. But then she directly asked me something.
“So, Julia, we didn’t really talk about this much when you were here last time but as most people know when you were fourteen to just after your fifteenth birthday you were dangerously anorexic.”
“Yeah, I was.” I nodded, everyone was quiet.
“Do you mind if we show some pictures?”
“No, go ahead.” I wasn’t really bothered because it wasn’t an issue for me anymore. And besides, if people could see how I was and how I am now then maybe it could stop them from being as stupid as I was.
On the TV screen appeared pictures of me basically as a skeleton, everyone gasped and were shocked but this wasn’t news to me. “This one shocked me most.” It was a picture of me in an open back dress, man I loved that dress, at an awards ceremony. This was when I was at my thinnest but I thought at the time I was beautiful. You could see my skeleton perfectly, every bump in my spine every rib was sticking out.
I was ashamed of my self now. “Yeah…” I said looking down at my lap.
“You’re a really beautiful, talented, smart girl. What happened?” Ellen asked, “Were you influenced by your surroundings?”
“No, I was just really unhappy. I wanted to be thin for me not for anyone else, I wanted a size zero to look big on me but people seemed to think it’s because I’ve grown up around fashion that I wanted to be… like that.”
“Tell us more about what you were like around that time.”
I really felt disgusting having to admit to all this, but it would be worth it in the long run. I hadn’t really talked about it much with Nick or his brothers, I didn’t talk about it much in general because I was never asked about it.
“I was horrible to put it bluntly. If I saw someone who was fatter than me I’d be disgusted, I wouldn’t talk to any of my friends because they tried to make me eat. My parents had tried so many different things but I remember—” I paused as the awful memory came back to me.
Ellen put her hand on top of mine, “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I took a deep breath, “No, I’m good. I remember when my parents brought a specialist to come in and talk to me. I just went crazy and broke everything I could get my hands on. I ended up almost passing out. I could see how much it was damaging my family but I didn’t care about anything other than my self.”
“So what eventually pushed you to become healthy again?”
“I was sat on the staircase listening to my Mum cry on my Dad’s shoulder. She was saying that it was her fault and saying that everyone was right. I discovered that people were saying my parents weren’t good enough parents and that my brothers and I should be put into care. I was upset but above all angry and determined. I packed my bags and left not telling anyone where I was going, I checked my self into a eating disorder clinic just a few miles from my—”
People had started applauding, I’d never thought of that as applaud-able but they applauded and some even got on their feet. Joe put a hand on my shoulder and Nick who was sat next to Joe gave me a smile but every memory felt like a stab in my gut.
“That was really brave.” Ellen told me, I blushed and carried on with my story.
“I stayed in there for about three months with only one visit from my family on my birthday. I wanted them to just leave me to get on with it, I didn’t want credit or anything I just wanted to go and do it and come back and hope people would see that it was really all my fault. My parents are the two most important people in my life.” I told her truthfully.
“You had a really hard time didn’t you?” I nodded in reply, “You’re such a strong woman, Julia. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” Ellen told me and I smiled widely at her. “So, tell us about the songs you’re going to perform.”
I was pleased at the change of subject, “Fences is a very upbeat and pacing song. It’s very honest about the people who are around me, it’s basically me saying ‘for the time being you’re stuck as what you are and you’ll eventually be forgotten’.”
“Who is it about?” Ellen asked with a coy smile playing on her lips.
Miley Cyrus and other Disney stars I wanted to say. “A collective clan of people.” I answered grinning.
“You’ve never told me what the clan of people is.” Nick interjected, I laughed and shook my head at him. “No one except her as actually heard her song ‘She falls asleep’ yet. I think your agent did.”
“She heard the song during rehearsals yesterday because she had to make sure I wasn’t going to drown my career. But that song is more like a story and is about a girl who commits suicide.”
“Oh yeah!” Ellen piped up, “Before I forget and thousands of people kill me. Are you two dating?”
“I asked him to marry me like ten times, he shot me down.” I pouted playfully and he shoved my arm. “These guys are like my best friends and I love them all equally.”
“But, you must love Nick a bit more. You’ve been dating four months.” Everyone laughed.
“We’re loving life.” Nick said taking a drink of his water.
“What a useless answer Nicholas.” I chuckled throwing my head back, “’We’re loving life.’” I quoted and laughed some more.
“I’m being told you brought something to show me.” Ellen said. Yes! I almost totally forgot.
I scurried backstage and put on a jacket and zipped it up. I pulled Ernie from his cage and put him in my hood. I had to be slow when I walked over so not to scare him, I could feel him moving in my hood. Kevin was laughing to himself as I passed him, then Nick and then Joe who were all stood along with Ellen.
“You brought me a jacket.” Ellen joked.
I pulled my hand around to the left hand side of my neck. “Look in my hood.” I commanded. She peered inside then screamed and fell back onto her chair.
The audience watched as Nick pulled Ernie out from my hood and set him on his shoulder. I swapped places with Joe and stroked him. “That was so funny.” Joe said still laughing as Ellen stood back up.
“You brought a rat!” She shouted, “Who’s is it?”
“It’s mine, he’s called Ernie.” I told her as he crawled from Nick’s shoulder to mine.
This was so totally worth it.
* * *
I sat at the grand piano with a microphone in front of my face. I’d just performed ‘Fences’ and now I was doing ‘She falls asleep’ I played the short count up and then the strings started up.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You re why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.”
The beat picked up to a more intense pace.
“She sits alone, on her phone
And she's calling about a broken home
And I don't know what I should say cause she's crying
And feels as though she's thrown it all away
She won't last another day
You're climbing the stairs, unaware that she's hurting
Bad and lying very still on the floor by the door
But it's locked and she was hoping
You would come back for more
But it's too late to realize you've made mistakes.”
It came back down to a normal, slow speed as the chorus took over.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You are why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.”
It picked up again to a very violent and loud aurora.
“Please save me
I've been waiting,
Been aching far too long.”
It slowed back down for the chorus again.
“She falls asleep and all she thinks about is you
She falls asleep and all she dreams about is you
When she's asleep the air she's breathing is for you
You are why she wants to live
She's not got that much more to give.
Please save me
I've been waiting.”
The strings dwindled out and everyone cheered, I even noticed a few girls wiping away stray tears. I took a bow and gave Ellen a hug. “Julia Beckham everyone!” She announced.
The theme tune came on and Nick, Joe and Kevin came onto the stage. Nick engulfed me in a hug, trailing his hand up and down my back softly.
“That was amazing.” He whispered. I smiled at him and waited until the cameras were all off to walk away. We all said goodbye to Ellen and then headed back to our dressing rooms.
I quickly threw on my black trench coat and tied the band around my waist after zipping it up. Dean had made sure my bag was ready so I threw it over my shoulder and headed outside to sign for the fans.
I waited in the SUV for the boys and when they got out the back they came straight into the car. I was happy to get away from there. Nick kept me close to him in the car as we drove to his house to spend the short afternoon together and then flying to Mexico City. I’d let so much out back there and I just wanted to sleep.
To escape.
♠ ♠ ♠
Song credit; Mcfly and Paramore.- Rose