Changes

There were only four words that either Mikey or Frank could think of to describe the resort: This place is awesome. And it really was, in every way. Snow stretched out across in every possible direction with endless opportunities for snowball fights. Right across from the little cabin they had been given sat a little convenience store and a cozy café.

However, there was one small inconvenience that all three teenagers faced: the sleeping arrangements. It’s quite obvious why this was a problem, especially to Frank and Mikey. Gerard’s agenda for the night (and for the entire trip) was to avoid discomfort at all costs. Mikey and Frank however, each tried to make damn sure they got their way. It wasn’t a very complicated predicament, but it was difficult to solve. The youngest boy had only one thought in his head, the fantasy of spending a cold night with Gerard’s warm body wrapped around him protectively.

Mikey was a bit more realistic and not quite as selfish. Okay, maybe he was just as selfish. He wanted to be next to Frank for the night on that heavenly soft, white bed. Was that too much to wish for? Maybe it was, but that didn’t stop him. After all, Frankie was his guest! It was only fair! They all looked around in silence for a few moments, gazing in turn at each other, the bed and the sofa.

Gerard contemplated the situation. The couch might be uncomfortable. The bed looked inviting. Mikey wouldn’t mind sleeping on the sofa, but Frank might prove to be an irritating bed-mate. Perhaps he snored or rolled around. Gerard didn’t think he could handle that kind of thing politely. Frank seemed willing to sleep on the sofa, but that would be rude. Finally deciding on an appropriate course of action, Gerard plopped down on the sofa to test it. Cozy enough.

“Right then Mikey, you and Frank can take the bed. I’ll sleep here.” Gerard put his bare feet up, letting himself sink into the cushions.

Frank’s eyes snapped to attention at the suggestion. Thinking quickly he replied, “I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable just ‘cause I’m here, Gerard…” he trailed off and let his eyes wander between the floor and Mikey.

Mikey noticed. How could he not. The look was so obvious, the way Frank’s was staring in a hopeless sort of longing. And Mikey realized that he wanted Frank to look at him that way. Him. Not his brother. “D’you prefer the bed, Gee? ‘Cause I’m fine with anything, really.” But Mikey was lying. He wasn’t fine with anything other than him and Frankie sharing the bed. Best friends. Beyond best friends. Mike wasn’t fine with Gerard stealing Frank’s attention, whether or not it was on purpose. But what Gerard said next made the younger Way want to run up and hug him. Except Gerard would have killed him.

“He’s your guest and your friend, Mikey. You guys have your fun and choke each other and tickle each other or whatever it is you want to do instead of sleep. I’ll take the couch tonight. We can rotate tomorrow.” Gerard rolled over to the side and wrapped himself in a bed sheet. “Okay? Okay.” A hint of finality rang in his voice. “Good night.

Frank couldn’t stop the words from coming. “But--”

“I said, good night!”

Quietly, Frank and Mikey climbed into bed, their bodies automatically finding comfort within one another. Mikey draped his arms over the smaller boy, closing his eyes and taking in the familiar presence.

Frank sighed quietly and snuggled closer to his best friend. This was what nothing would ever change. This, to have Mikey wrapped around him protectively, was what gave Frank hope and happiness. He was small, he was easily hurt. But he knew as the room filled with the deep breathing of slumber, that Mikey would make sure he was never hurt. His last thought as sleep claimed him was that not even Gerard would hurt him so long as Mikey was by his side.

Mikey was thinking the exact same thing.

The following morning brought unhappy groans and a disgruntled Frank rising off the floor. It was really unfair that everyone thought Frankie was the hyper one who would be a horrible bedmate when it was Mikey who snored and shifted and rolled around like a pig in the mud. Upon seeing Gerard lying blissfully on the sofa, eyes closed and smiling, Frank couldn’t help but smile himself. And hopefully, tonight Gerard would be in the bed with him. And then he’d see.

Mikey stirred awake and looking for his glasses, mumbled for Frankie to open the window. Behind the curtains lay a beautiful sight. Snow in all directions, flashing cheerfully with reflected sunlight. Mikey looked at Frank and Frank looked back. They had barely opened their eyes, yet they both knew what was coming: Snowball fight.

Gerard slept blissfully as the pair fought over the bathroom and didn’t even hear Mikey’s anguished groan when Frank threw his toothbrush into the toilet. Pulling the blanket tighter over his shivering body, Gerard dreamed and dreamed of being alone. Just him, his drawings and his liquor. Even in the state of half-sleep, he realized he would have to go down and buy some without arousing any suspicion. After all, his parents and his brother and that freaky kid were all watching him. Especially that kid.

About an hour later, Gerard’s eyes fully opened. Light was streaming into the silent room. Clothes were strewn about and the bed resembled a small fort made of blankets. But it was quiet, and that was what Gerard needed. Silence without irritation. Time to reflect. Time to try and enjoy himself in the middle of nowhere.

A quick glance at the clock told him it was eleven. Quickly ordering a room service breakfast, he began to pull out his materials. The money rested safely in a pocket in his suitcase. And he was tempted. Later, Gerard told himself. Save it for later. But it was easier thought than done.

Looking around the room for inspiration, Gerard’s gaze finally went to the window. The world outside was a canvas itself. White on white. Oddest of all, there were people outside. People he knew. Squinting, he realized his brother and Frank were outside. Having a snowball fight. Mikey was running after Frank with a snowball. His glasses and height stuck out a mile. The kid was all gangly limbs and unruly hair, but he managed to catch Frank despite that, and pinned him down. Gerard heard laughter. And he smiled. Mikey was Gerard’s everything.

He closed the window and walked back to his bed , tripping over a pair of jeans along the way. They weren’t Mikey’s. Upon closer inspection, Gerard saw initials enclosed in a heart. So. Frank had a little crush, did he? Gerard held the pants up to the light to see the letters. G…no…C. C…M. Gerard smiled again; he only usually did that when he was alone. C M. So Frank liked Caroline Mason.

Gerard’s thoughts went to Caroline, with her strawberry blonde hair and pretty figure. And she was so funny. And her boyfriend was such an asshole. Gerard set the jeans back down and his good mood washed away. This Valentine’s Day, he’d make her see. Wasn’t she the one who caused most of his problems anyway? But she never hated him. Even when the whole school laughed in his face, she had never spoken an unkind word. They belonged together.

Getting out his materials, Gerard forced himself to at least at act happy. Try to think happy thoughts, just for a moment. But it never worked. It probably never would.

Bitter thoughts swirled through the air as he put pencil to paper. Dark red paint stood out against white. Green ocean and sky slowly gave way to gray. And Gerard slowly forgot where he was. All his irritation and frustration and disappointment in himself came out in acrylic color. He did not stop or think. Perhaps he was not alive, but neither was he dead.

Within a few hours, his stomach confirmed that he was indeed alive with a loud, churlish grumble. But he ignored it. Occasionally, he would stare out the window at his brother and wonder what ever came between them. When they were young, they were inseparable and even had friends. But now…neither had anything. He didn’t know, of course, that in due time they would have everything they ever dreamed of. Right then, they were both stuck.

At least Mikey had that…kid. Frankie. That dumb kid. Lost in his thoughts and self-pity, Gerard continued to paint and paint. I suppose emotional hunger will always overcome physical hunger. Mikey, however, felt no such emotional hunger at the time and came galloping upstairs to drag his big brother down for some pizza.

An obnoxiously intrusive knock snapped Gerard out of his color-induced trance. Irritated, he looked down at the smudgy streak on the paper. Perhaps he could fix it if—knock!

The older Way jumped when the sound came again, followed by a familiar voice.

“Gee! Gee! Come on! Open the door!” Mikey began to pound repetitively on the door instead. Sighing, Gerard opened it and tried not to look too angry.

“I keep telling you not to call me that. Even Ray started.” Gerard turned back to the bed, expecting his little brother to follow. Not that he wanted Mikey to follow, it was opposite, but Mikey would follow anyway.

And he did. Of course he did. Something was up with Gerard, even more than usual. It was pretty normal for him to get up late (like really, un-humanly late). But it wasn’t normal for him to be so…so…bummed. So of course, Mikey did the one thing Gerard wanted him to do least.

“Hey Gee,” he said, quietly muffling his better judgment, “D’you want to come outside? Like, after lunch? Frankie and I are having a snowball fight.”

“I know,” came the reply. If Mikey didn’t know his own brother, he could have sworn Gerard almost smiled. And lately, Gerard almost never almost smiled. At least, not in his presence.

“So…are you going to join us? It’s like, one right now. The pizza place closes in an hour and mom and dad went exploring.”

Sometimes, we don’t know why we do the things we do. Gerard’s stomach was grumbling, growling, roaring and screaming. But he opened his mouth and simply said “I’m not hungry.” It might have worked, had his digestive system not given him away with that peculiar noise it made when starving like an Ethiopian child.

Mikey knew the noise. “Yes, you are. Why don’t you come down? You’re dressed and stuff. You spent enough time on your comic for now. You should hang out with us for a bit. You know, even Frankie thinks you’re cool.”

Gerard looked down. Well, at least one person thought he was cool. Something was telling Gerard he should go with his brother and have fun. And something else was stopping him. He didn’t know what it was and it was irritating him. Well, Mikey had a part to play in that too.

“C’mon Gerard!” Mikey whined a final time.

Gerard couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t take it. “I said I don’t want to come!”

“What the hell! You never hang out with me anymore! You never talk to me in school! It’s not like you even have any friends that I could embarrass you in front of! Jesus Christ, Gerard, what is your problem?” Mikey was exploding with a lot of feelings he didn’t like dealing with. Sadness was among them.

The dislike of dealing with emotion apparently ran in the family, though. Gerard snapped back with just as much force “You’re my problem, Mikey! Get out of my face! Why don’t you get that I don’t like having you around all the time? You’re not my freaking shadow, okay!”

The younger boy became quiet. His eyes became sullen behind his black frames and directed themselves to the paints on the table. “It’s the art, isn’t it?” his voice was close to a whisper. “I guess that shit means more to you than I do. I’ll go eat with Frankie. You just have fun being an asshole.”

If the skinny boy had bitten Gerard, it would not have caused as much pain. But every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Pain causes anger. With the combined force of both, Gerard could control himself no longer and his hand flew across his brother’s face with a loud, melodramatically resounding smack.

“Get out of here,” Gerard hissed. “Get the hell out of here.”

Biting back his thin lips to hold the tears, Mikey groped around the floor for his glasses. They had landed a few feet to his left. Picking them up, he sulked out of the room, wondering when exactly his older brother had outgrown him.