Rise Above This

Dear Beej,

Hey.

Where to begin...

First off, I know the move from VA to PA isn't what you thought it would be. That's okay. Hang in there. There's this awesome thing called PALCS. You get in. Study in that. All of it. Even math. Just trust me, kay dude?
Then, the greatest ever. You'll meet these two girls. Two mental, insane girls who are just as fucked up as you. These two girls will, quite literally, be saviors as well as bffs.
They'll lift your spirits when you're down. They'll always be there for you. You'll have so many inside jokes, you won't be able to tell them apart. They'll be your rock through family trouble, life trouble, boyfriend trouble.

Speaking of boyfriend, guess who you get back together with? That's right, chika. Sometime around January of 2007. I know you love him and he holds a piece of you, but honestly, don't do it. I'm not even sure if there will be anyone else. There isn't yet, but he's not the right one. Trust me. You'll waste almost three more whopping years of your life on him.

Then, there's the girl. Yeah. There'll be a girl. Simultaneous to the boy. Again. Don't do it. It might be worth feeling loved, but it's not worth what you'll feel when the love is gone.

Dad will get diabetes. When he first starts sleeping more than usual, mention a urine test to Mom. Catch it. He'll be alright though. I promise. He's still around to aggravate and humiliate...=]

The family thing. -sigh- You know the family's always been shaky. For nearly all of 2008, you won't speak. To any of them. That'll be hard. You'll come out of it though in one pizza-stuffed, soda-filled, laughter-lined night. It's amazing. Remember that.

Where to next. 18th birthday? Sure. Mom and Dad will start this thing. Take you to Texas Steak House for birthdays. Skip the chicken. Get steak. Trust me. Med-rare. That'll also be when you graduate. Yeah. You, miss procrastination, graduate. D average, but hey. It's graduating. You're gonna be nervous, but trust me. It all goes well. Go straight with your hair. The curls kind of clash with the cap.

Also, there's this thing, a present, but I shouldn't tell you. It'll make your entire month. Except for when it breaks. That sucks.
You'll get your drivers permit. It'll be awesome. Just make sure and keep an eye on your wallet. I can't find the damn thing to save my life.

Also, during this year, there'll be several things that will take over your life. Twilight, for a brief time. Trust me. The movies are nowhere near as good as the book.
True Blood for another. Forget Tudors. Trust me. You won't get to watch it much and if you miss a few episodes, you're lost.

After this, you'll go through drastic and heart-breaking changes. The deaths and disappearances of many pets. Moving. Leaving all your memories. Remember to go through and get everything. Don't put it off. And get Mom and Dad's wedding video from the attic. Make sure that's one of the first things you grab. Also, Nanny's Christmas decorations. Make sure and get them. Again, trust me.

Your new place is small, cramped, but awesome. Listen to Dad and don't swing on the swing with more than one person if you don't want it to break.

2009 will suck.
MJ dies.
Patrick Swayze dies.
Billy Mays dies.
Farrah Fawcett dies.
Britney Murphey dies.

Your world will stop on December 28th. Cherish the hour or so when you wake up and you don't know. When it seems like nothing bad could ever happen. When you find out, you're going to start crying. Just do yourself a favor and go outside. Take a walk. Go down to the wall. There, you can scream and cry all you want. Mom and Dad won't understand. Your sisters won't understand. Makes sure you keep your phone on you. Allie will need you. You weren't even a drummer-girl, but you'll feel like you lost a piece of yourself. It'll make you cry so much, you'll get sick. It's unavoidable. During the next week, the pain is insufferable. You'll be able to manage it. Put on a happy face for everyone. Smile like nothing's going on.

I'm not gonna say it gets easier. It won't. I don't know if it can. You can just manage it better. You'll be able to go a few weeks without it hitting you so hard that it knocks you to your knees. It happens in the oddest of places. In the car. Trying to go to sleep. In the shower. Reading a book.
But it mostly happens when you're on a walk by yourself. When it happens, you'll be in one of those random thought-trains, and suddenly, you'll think of him. It'll be like someone knocked the air out of you. If you're standing, you'll fall to your knees. The tears will already be there when you land, running down your face while the hole where he used to be is reopened with a dull fucking butcher knife. Go find somewhere to sit until it passes. Until you can shakily get out your needle and thread and patch up that hole, even though you know it's just going to be ripped open again.
It won't get easier. I still can't listen to them. I avoid their music scrolling through my Walkman.
Through this, you and Allie can lean on each other. You'll need her, chika, because she may have other people who understand, but you just have her.
You'll see his smile in the sun, hear his voice in the trees. You'll see him in people on the street. It's normal. It happens a lot, actually. Beware of going grocery shopping about three days after. Just trust me, kay. Be prepared.
It's okay not to update the stories for a while. I still haven't updated any of them. Just take your time with it. Write something that you feel good about. Something that is worthy of that man that was a light in a dark place, something worthy to have James Owen Sullivan's name on it.

Which brings me to my next point. Where the hell is Korynn in all of this? Don't lose contact with her. You'll miss a lot with each other, stuff that you shouldn't have missed.

You'll meet a lot of friends over the years. Vanessa, Jenna, Trin, Manda, Amanda, Annie. They're all great, fantastic, wonderful people for putting up with all the shit you bring to the table.

I know it may not seem like it, but Mom and Dad really are just trying to help you. Mom's a big part of the reason you graduate. Just believe me and agree with them, okay.
I know your sisters get on your nerves, but love them anyway. They're your sisters, and no matter what, you always have your sisters.

I know that you feel like you're weird for being the "mother", but hun, it's not such a bad trait. Just keep being the mothering, peace-keeping, conflict-avoiding person you are. Cuz it turns out alright.

Alright. I think I'm through rambling. I'm probably exceeding the word count.
So that's it. The three years from 17 to almost 20.
Just some last minute advice.
When you start seeing the numbers on the scale go down, don't quit what you were doing, okay?
When you make baked ziti, be careful to make sure the cap to the salt is on all the way.
Love your family and friends with all your heart. You won't regret it.
Brush your teeth more. Seriously, Mom was right. Also, careful around Cassie. She tends to be around both times you chip a tooth.
Spend more time with MeeMaw. It might seem scary, but it's okay. She's amazing, and she's going to tell you stories about bakeries and your family and a UFO sighting. That story's a great one. Trust me.

I haven't even accomplished this yet, but I want you to set a goal for it. Try to love yourself more. You can't love someone else until you love yourself, or at least that's what Mom says. I think it's bullshit. But if you don't love yourself, if you keep telling people you're ugly or you're stupid or that you're annoying, they'll get tired of you being so negative. No one likes a person who thinks they're shit.

Okay, so here's the big goodbye, from your 19-year old self. I feel like I should say something incredibly sensitive and endearing, but nothing's coming to mind. How about don't quit getting up to watch the sun rise or taking a few minutes to watch the sun set?
Because in those few moments of spectacular light, when the world is just opening, or closing down, that's when magic happens. That's when your greatest, happiest, wildest wishes are within reach. That's when you can see Baby and Snow and Nia and Sweety and Shadow. They're right there. You can touch them. That's when you see Jimmy, and even though you might cry, you'll be happy, because even though he's gone, he's in that place, that better place where you can ride a raindrop or hang out on a rainbow. That's when whatever it was that was happening before just fades away. It's gone, and you're warm and soothed and happy, and you can make it though the few hours till it happens again. Don't give that up.

Trust me.

xoxo

Bobbi Jo