Asleep Or Dead

I wasn't bearing Gerard's child.

I knew.

It was Earnest's.

Oh how I wanted it to be Gerard's but I could not bring myself to tell him. He would kill the child, had he known it was Earnests. That much I knew.

I wanted to die.

Just then, I wanted to die.

On a whim, just like that.

I wanted to love my child, even if it was Earnest's. I never thought I was one to get pregnant at such a young age. My god, I am a whore. Such an ugly whore. Sleeping around. Oh wait. I had gotten RAPED. By an evil sadistic man who took advantage of a girl's weak strength. Eileen doesn't know the half of it. Oh, gods! What will my parents think! "Oh, hey mom and dad, I'm pregnant because I got raped by someone at college that was not Gerard whom I love, and It makes me want to DIE. So yeah, what do you think I should name my kid? How about Fuckup.

I need Gerard. I am going so crazy, I need him to be there, so so badly.

I'm going to the doctor so I can get checked up, and to get a final word on who is the father.
Earnest or Gerard.

The man I hate, or the man I love?

Gerard, give me strength, please.

God, I am acting so depressed, if I were a preppie, I would have called myself emo. But emo is not a word. Emo is just emotional. I new a guy once who went around calling himself emo. He looked like an asshole. Wait. why am I going on rambling about Emo?

My Chemical Romance, the band. The music has given me strength, but I need a bit more than strength in my music now. I need more empathy.

Death Cab for Cutie, one of my new favourite bands is playing on the radio on the iPod Gee bought me for our anniversary.

I skip the track 'What Sarah Said." It is a travesty. It is my life in a nutshell. Really, Gerard, please. Give me the strength I need. I need you...
---------------------

I went to the doctor.

The result:

It is a boy.

It is Gerard's child.

I want to die with happiness. I was certain that it was Earnests.

The Bad News:

I am almost certain to die in childbirth due to the murmurs.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

I call Gerard. He answers on the second ring.

"Kate?"

"Gerard."

"What is it?"

"I'm going to die."

"WHAT?! C'mon! After all this, you can't die."

"I'm having a son."

"That's great! But you can't die. You, just can't."

I could tell Gerard was struggling with his composure. He was straining his beautiful voice, the voice that gave me comfort.

"I'm dying in childbirth, I can't survive with the heart murmurs."

"Then get an abortion! I can't live with out you!"

"I can't just do that!! I'm Catholic, Gerard!"

Gerard was silent. He was Catholic too. He was Italian, after all.

"I need to spend as much time with you as possible."

I'm crying now. Into the phone.

"Okay" I choked.

"I'm coming back down."

He had just left for New York. Coming back to Oklahoma was not going to be fun. There was an energy crisis goddammit.

But I could have never been happier.