Just A Dream

Today was the day of Matt’s funeral. Today I will be saying goodbye. Forever.

I sighed and got into the car that would take me to the graveyard. I looked out the window as the driver drove me to the church. I looked up to the sky and saw all the dark clouds and no white ones in sight.
It always seems to be that way. When someone dies, it’s always dark for that day.

We pulled up to the grave and I saw Matt’s family and some of our friends going to where he was going to be buried. I sighed and got out once the man opened my door.

“Thank you,” I said quietly and he nodded. I just stood there and couldn’t pull myself to walk to the site.

I started to picture myself in a wedding dress, running up the steps of a church, eager to get married. I pictured myself walking down the isle with my Dad, then him handing me away to Matt.
I pictured me and him at the alter saying our vows. Then, I pictured our first kiss as husband and wife.

“Taylor, you there?” I saw Matt’s lips move. I blinked and shook my head and looked at who talked to me. It was Jane.
I sighed. It was just a dream.

“You okay? Well…I mean…as okay as…well…fuck never mind,” she said. I smiled slightly and nodded. I started to walk to the gravesite. I saw some people standing and some people sitting down. Mostly the family of Matt was sitting down and all our friends were standing behind them.

Jane sat me down in the front row next to Matt’s mom.

“Oh honey,” she said and hugged me. I hugged her back and cried on her shoulder as she cried on mine.
We pulled away and she wiped her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Taylor. I knew how much you loved each other. Matt even told me he asked you to marry him,” she said. I nodded and showed her the ring.

“Wow. Very big. That’s so Matthew. Going over the top. No matter what,” she said.

“Yeah. He brought me to a very fancy restaurant for my birthday, I told him it was to much but he said that I as his baby, and I deserve the best,” I said with a smile.

“Yes, that is Matthew,” she said with a smile. The pastor stepped up next to Matt’s coffin. Matt’s mom grabbed my hand and I sighed and gave her hand a tight squeeze.

The pastor started saying how wonderful Matt was and how god is lucky to have him now.
I started to cry because he isn’t supposed to be dead.

Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been

I kept looking at his coffin. Hoping that he will jump out of it and pull a mean joke on me. But it never happened.
I pulled my attention to the men folding the flag. I wiped the tears that kept falling from my eyes. I watched as they walked over to us, thinking they would hand the flag to Matt’s mother. But they handed it to me. I took it and placed it on my lap and started to rub Matt’s dog tags.

I started to think about what our kids would look like. Would they look like Matt more or me? I know the girls would be spoiled rotten and they would be daddy’s little girls and the little boy would be a spitting image of Matt. They would play basketball in the driveway, Matt would teach him how to hit a baseball, and they would play catch in the backyard. All the boy stuff.

“Come up here dear,” Matt’s mom said. I held onto the flag and walked up to the coffin with her. She placed her hand on it and cried. Then she kissed it and walked back.
I ran my fingers over it and cried more. I leaned down and kissed it too.
“Goodbye,” I whispered and sat back down next to Matt’s mom.

And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

I wiped the tears, which didn’t do much because new ones filled their spot.
The men in uniforms started to shoot of their guns
I started to cry harder. It was real. He is really dead and never coming back.

I sat there and watched as everyone put in a rose on top of his coffin.
Soon, I was the only one left. I got up and stood next to his coffin. I was so tempted to open the lid and just see him one last time. But I knew it wouldn’t be good. I sighed and rested my head against the coffin.

“ Baby why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know” I sang to myself and him.
Once I was done the wind started to blow and I swear I heard Matt’s voice.

“I love you,” I said and kissed his coffin one last time and walked away.