Days of Summer

“She’s…” I took a gulp from feeling like my mouth was going cotton dry on me. “She’s back?” I asked them again.

Nick just looked from me to Frankie and then back at me before going to Frankie and pulling him away from Tina, Kevin and myself.

How much I wished that I could just walk away from this dilemma too, I couldn’t tell you. But when Kevin nodded his head, it took everything in me to not break down right there.

“She’s back. And I guess she’s staying for the rest of the summer.” he said softly as he made his way towards me and lightly rested his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged away from him and locked my eyes with Tina.

As badly as I didn’t want to talk about her since the hole in my heart grew a little bit more, if possible from the first time it was put there, I wanted to know everything that Tina knew.

I wanted to talk. But I only wanted to either talk to Tina or Allie. After all, Tina was Allie’s best friend and she would have a good majority of the answers I was looking for.

“I want to talk.” I stated as my eyes locked with Tina’s and I could see her eyes start to tear up.

Why? I have no idea. Maybe she knew how hard of a sentence that was for me to say. But for whatever reason it was, I saw them tear up.

And as weird as it sounded, it felt good to have someone else suffer as much as I was at this point.

“That’s great. We’ll go get lunch and talk this whole thing out and fix everything an-”

“No.” I interjected, cutting Kevin off while Tina’s head dropped down to look at the pavement. “I want to talk to Tina. And only Tina. I need to.” I said, my voice raspy and low from how I was trying to hold back my tears.

Kevin just nodded his head and then made his way to Tina, gave her a big hug and a quick kiss on the cheek before he went off in search for Nick and Frankie.

The two of us just stood there, a good 6 feet away from each other and before I knew it, I was running to her, tears streaming down my face and bawling like a baby.

I didn’t even know why. All I knew was that she was back and it was playing with my heart. Just like she did.

“So…” Tina finally broke the sniffles and crying between us as she straightened up and wiped away her tears while I followed suite. “What do you want to know?”

I smirked slightly at her just from the fact that she was so willing to help me out even though she was her best friend. But at least I didn’t have to pull any teeth to get the information that I wanted.

“Everything.” I stated back to her while I wiped away any last minute tears from my eyes.

She smirked slightly at me before saying, “Well, I guess this means that we need to get something to drink. This may take a while.” before grabbing my hand and started walking.

* * * * *

“And so basically, she’s possibly staying here for a year with her dad and step mom to figure out what she wants to do with her life.” she finished while I sat there with my mouth hanging open and still clutching my full cup of Strawberry Frappiciano.

I couldn’t believe it. Everything that she said. Everything that she told me. I couldn’t believe it.

“Joe…” Tina said softly after a few silent minutes between us passed. “Please say something.”

I’ll say something alright.

“You mean to tell me that she’s been just as messed up as I have because of her leaving and she never bothered to call to tell me that she loved me?”

I was pissed. Pissed that all this time that I’ve been angry and heart broken and upset, I could’ve been happy and completely one hundred percent in love.

Yeah….that hole in my chest were my heart was, was filled in now. Only not with happiness. With anger. And a little bit of hatred.

Yes, I know that’s a strong word. But so is love. And to me, Love and Hate go together hand and hand.

“Joe…” she said just as softly while reaching out for my hand to calm me down.

No. That wasn’t going to work. Not if everything she just told me was the truth.

“Don’t Joe me. I’ve wasted the last year of my life for basically nothing if everything you just said to me was true. Why? Why would she do something like that? Break my heart and then a month later realize that she fell in love with me? No. That’s bull shit.”

“Joe she was scared. She ended a two year relationship three weeks before she met you.” she said a little bit louder towards me to try and get my attention, but she also attracted some nearby neighbors attention as well as my own.

“That doesn’t explain why she just left like that. Saying what she did. So what she was scared. So was I. It’s still bullshit!” I said as I got up from the booth we were sitting in at the back of Starbucks for a little bit more privacy.

So much that was doing for us considering I was now standing and we were both yelling at each other now.

“She was scared about her feelings for you. You made her feel something within 4 weeks that her 2 year boyfriend never made her feel and that’s why she pulled away. She was scared of how quickly she fell for you and she knew it never would’ve worked out. You’re famous. She’s just a girl from Massachusetts. She figured you’d find some other girl and be happy with her. Not become a depressed mess.”

I shook my head while turning my back to her.

Not wanting to hear anymore, I made my way from the back of the building to the front, chucking my still full drink into the garbage can before exiting the Starbucks we were seated in.

I needed to get away. I needed to see her. I needed closure.

So the first thing I did was call Big Rob and tell him where to find Tina before I started my walk home.

Only to run into some paparazzi who practically mauled me for answers of why I just blew up at Kevin’s girlfriend.

I just ignored them and had Tina’s words replay in my head.

It couldn’t be true. None of it could be true.

If she really loved me, she would’ve called. She knew how I felt for her. She knew because I was straight up about it and told her the day she left.

Before I knew it my feet were hitting the blue carpeting of my room and that’s when I snapped.

That’s when I let it all out.

The reason I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place was because it would cause me pain. And now, it was more painful than ever to even think about her.

I hated her. She ruined everything that I was. Basically sucked the old Joe out of me to be replaced with this new depressed one. And I hated her for it.

And yet. I still loved her. A part of me still wanted to see her just to see her beautiful face. Hear her laugh. See that amazing smile that made my heart flutter.

Yeah. I had it bad then. And it didn’t lessen at all over the year. If anything, it made it worse.

I went to my closet and grabbed her box from the top shelf and started rifling through it.

I had every intention of throwing everything out in the box. Ripping it up. Burning it. Cutting it up.

But the first thing I saw, the picture of her and I taken last summer, I just couldn’t do it.

I cried. Harder than I did a year ago when she left. Harder than today when I knew she was back.

I hated her for making me so weak. So crazy and helplessly in love with her. How she alone, made last summer the best summer of my life until she left.

As I rummaged through everything, taking everything out of the box and remembering memories with each item, I came across something that I had completely forgotten about due to her absence and me being sent into a depression.

Allie’s Song

I read at the top of the folded up piece of paper and my heart ached to see her again.

Even though I was so mad at her, upset at her and angry with her, I still wanted her. Even a year later I wanted her. And the want wasn’t going to go away considering I knew she was here in California and the fact that I knew she fell for me. That at some point, she loved me back.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get my tears to calm down along with my nerves before I started reading her song I had wrote for her.

What can I say,
I miss you eyes.

Those two lines brought a small smile to my face and I remembered the night I performed it for her.

“Joe!” she squealed with delight as I led her down the basement steps quickly. “What has gotten into you?”

“Nothing has gotten into me. I just…I want to show you something.” I said to her, pulling her down the stairs and into the small room where we kept all of our instruments and such.

“Ok…well then show me.” she stated with a small laugh and I chuckled at her a lack of patience.

I stopped into front of a bean bag chair and turned around so I was facing her, gave her a quick kiss before pointing down to the bean bag and said one word.

“Sit.”

She giggled slightly from my command and sat down while looking up at me with confused and excited eyes.

“Now what?” she asked me and that alone brought the butterflies to my stomach and my nerves to resurface.

Because now that I had her down here, that was the exact question that was floating in my head as well.

Except there where a few other questions following it afterwards as well like, “What will this mean to her?” “Will she like it?” “Will I scare her away?”

But I knew that I had to suck it up and do it. I wrote it for her.

All by myself.

It was the first time I’d ever written a song by myself along with the music for it.

I knew that there had to be some drums or something in it to make it more of the ‘Jonas’ sound, but I liked what I had at the moment and I didn’t want my brothers to put a ‘band spin’ on it quite yet.

She deserved to hear it first before anyone else. After all, it was about how I felt for her.

“Just…” I said while I turned around and grabbed my electric guitar and a stool and made my way back to her and took a seat on the stool before finishing my sentence. “Don’t laugh.”

“Joe…why would I laugh at you? Obviously this means a lot to you. I’m not going to laugh. Unless you fall off the stool or something. Then I might have to laugh a little bit.”

I shook my head slightly as I laughed lightly under my breath from the way she always made me calm.

By slightly insulting me.

But it worked and it definitely put me more at ease with what I was about to do.

“Ok….so since you were gone for the last couple days…well, not gone gone, but not with me gone, I had some spare time on my hands and I came up with this. So, I hope you like it. As of right now, it’s just called Allie’s song, but I’m sure it’ll change once my brother’s get a hold of it.” I said with a small laugh at the end and her smile just grew a little bit more when I said that.

My heart soared from that smile and I couldn’t help but stop and stare at her for a few more seconds before I made myself look down at my guitar to start the song.

I started strumming the first few chords while I closed my eyes, letting myself get completely immersed in the music before I started to sing, tapping my foot every few beats.

What can I say
I miss your eyes?
Nothing more.
What can a love song provide?
Nothing more.
Words are a lovely try,
For something more.
And I wanna give to you.
Give to you.

More than a love song can give.
More than feeling like this.
More than a dim light upon the path you walk.
More than my words can explain.
More than a falling rain.
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face.
Just more than a love song.

I opened my eyes slowly to see her eyes tearing up slightly and I couldn’t help but smirk slightly from seeing that.

That meant it had to be good right? If it’s bad she would’ve started laughing by now right?

And I found a way you call to me.
Show me where.
You show me where I used to be.
You bring me there.
And this is the life to seek,
Something more.
And I wanna give to you.
Give to you.

More than a love song can give.
More than feeling like this.
More than a dim light upon the path you walk.
More than my words can explain.
More than a falling rain.
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face.

And I look upon your face.
And it’s beauty to me.
And I look upon
And it’s beauty to me
And it’s beauty to me.
And it’s beauty to me, to me, to me, to me, to me.

Yeah

More than a love song can give.
More than feeling like this.
More than a dim light upon the path you walk.
More than my words can explain.
More than a falling rain.
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face.
Just more than a love song.

Just more than a love song.

Just more than a love song.

Just more than a love.

I opened my eyes to see her with a giant smile on her face while tears streaked down her cheeks and I instantly put my guitar down on the ground and leaned towards her while asking her what was wrong.

I figured she cry, but I didn’t expect her to cry how she was and not say anything, and it actually started worry me a little bit.

Maybe I’m not as good of a singer as everyone makes me out to be.

“Noth-” she cut herself of while taking in a big breath and laughing slightly while wiping at her cheeks. “Nothing. It’s beautiful. Really. That’s the sweetest, nicest, most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. I’m a little blown away to be honest with you.” she said to me and I couldn’t help but feel myself glow from her words.

Sure, I’d gotten praise from people all the time for how well my brothers and myself performed, but for some reason, when the compliment was leaving her lips, it filled me up with a unnatural sense of joy.

And I never wanted to let it go.

“Thank you so much Joe. It was amazing.” she said as she reached out for me and wrapped me in a hug around my neck.

I buried my face in her hair and got lost in her Herbal Essences shampoo for a few minutes before she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“I just wish there was something I could do to reciprocate. Like, I can’t sing for my life, and I can’t really play any instruments. So I’m kinda screwed in that aspect.” she laughed out, causing me to chuckle slightly while brushing away some last minute tears that were landing on her cheeks.

“You’re here with me. That’s all I need from you.” I said to her while her lip trembled and more tears started to pour from her eyes.

“Oh my gosh I’m such a loser right now.” she cried out while more tears somehow made their way down her cheeks.

“No you’re not. You’re even more beautiful than before.” I stated while bringing her into me and having her bury her head into my chest as she cried out, “Stop staying stuff like that. You’re making me cry even more.”

I tried my hardest to stifle a laugh, but since she was right up against me she felt the shaking of my body and she pulled away from me slightly to look up at me, with a mock scowl on her tear stained face.

“What?” I asked her with a smile spread wide on my face as I squeezed her quickly around her shoulders. “You want me to lie to your face? I don’t think so. You’re gorgeous in every possible way to me.” I stated and watched as her eyes started to tear up again and that time, I couldn’t contain my laughter.

I pulled her into me again and kissed the top of her head while rocking her slightly, chuckling lightly to myself while she cried into my shoulder.

As I pulled myself out of that memory, of the way she fit perfectly into me while I held her, of the smell of her perfume and shampoo mixing together to create a scent that had my head spinning for hours after it was gone, I cried even harder. Missing her more than ever before.

There was a light knock at my door and I made my way towards it, opening it a few inches to get a good look at whoever was on the other side.

I wasn’t surprised to see Tina standing there, watery eyed just like me and I opened my door even wider, a silent invitation to come into my room.

She walked past me and took a seat on my bed and noticed the box and all the memories laying on it, picking up various things and laughing about it while I stood by my now shut door and looked at her.

“How could she have done this to me Tina? I don’t understand.” my voice cracked from how raw it was from my crying. “I don’t get it. How can someone say they love you and then not call and tell you after 11 months?”

She just shrugged her shoulders while a few tears slipped out of her eyes and she got up from my bed and came to me, wrapping me up in a hug while I let out a loud sob before crying into her shoulder and squeezing her tight to me for support.

I was crumbling. I was broken.

After a year of trying to recover from that horrible day, I was back to where I was in the first place.

Head over heels, madly, insanely, hopelessly in love.

“I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow before I go over there. You’re welcome to come if you want.”

“To what? The shopping or to her house?” I asked as I clung to her for dear life.

“Both. If you want to.” she said to me and then wiggled her way out of my death grip.

I nodded my head once to her before opening my door for her to leave and go back to whatever she was going to do with my brothers while I shut and locked my door and threw myself onto my bed.

I laid there, face down in my pillow for a few seconds before I looked over and saw a Polaroid picture of her and I. Her on my back with a bag of skittles in her hand smiling at the camera while I smiled widely as well with the sunset behind us as we stood in the water.

I small smile tugged at the corners of my wet cheeks and my heart soared from hearing her laugh in my head. The warmth of her body against mine. The feel of her smooth cheek pressed against mine for the picture.

And then I closed my eyes, for a mere second to blink, and realized that it was just a picture that I was looking at.

I needed to get over her. I needed closure. I needed anything to get me to feel otherwise at this point in time.

I rolled off my bed to my messy desk that had papers with music notes, lyrics and random tour dates scrawled across them and dug out my CD’s that were underneath it all and popped a blank CD into my stereo and turned the music up to drown my tears that I’m sure my brothers would be hearing about from Tina as soon as they got home if they weren’t already.

As my mind wandered back to her and last summer, I tried to drown out the playing song because it fit my situation too perfectly, that it actually creeped me out.

Rufio’s “Road to Recovery” was playing and I started the song over to listen to it more carefully to try and see if it really did fit to my situation as good as I thought it did in the first place.

I thought I was delusional at first, that some random guys who I’d never met before could write a song about my love life, but it turned to be that I wasn’t as crazy as I thought I was in my state of mind.

Upon hearing the first verse, I knew, and was totally creeped out, that this was practically written for me.

He never thought someone would come along,
And show him a feeling he’s always dreamed of.
She didn’t plan on falling in love,
Upset the balance she’s wanted so long.

This road to recovery,
Has taken all I have.
It seems hard
As I try,
To succumb once again.
Again.

I threw myself down onto my bed again, letting the words of the song hit me like a brick to my chest.

Well he lost control and gave up his heart,
To follow the girl that he’s always dreamed of.
She pulled away so scared of a love,
That might have been more than she had planned on.

This road to recovery,
Has taken all I have.
It seems hard,
As I try,
To succumb once again.
Again.

Starting to mouth the words as they were sung, I felt myself get tired from my information overload that happened today.

Well love is a bitch all relationships end.
What happens now,
When that person’s gone.
The one who you thought,
You could always count on.
You fall in love,
And they fall out.
Love is a bitch,
All relationships end.

How do I let go of a love,
That meant so much to me?
How do I go on,
When you’re a part of me?
I’m dying inside,
Each time I see you.
Don’t lose sight of me,
Cause you’re all I see.
You’re still all I see.
This road to recovery has taken over me.

Yep. This road to recovery for me had taken over me. And yet, after a year of trying to get over her, I hadn’t gotten over her in the slightest bit.

If anything, I just ended up loving and wanting her more than ever before.