Unexpected Meetings

My only friends are rats. Yes, rats. True there are other girls in the home that I live in, but none of them get along very well with me. So in that fact I have no friends. I mean the rats will listen to me, but only when I feed them cheese or scraps from the slop we eat for nourishment. Seventeen years I’ve lived in this place. I’ve never been what most would call attractive, even when I was a child. I’ve also been, what’s the word that one couple used… Oh, eccentric. Though I don’t see it that way. I find myself to be… Unique, special in my own way, but no one else will see it my way.

I know I have a family. Somewhere. I mean I’ve been told at least. I was left on the doorstep, yes this is so corny, but it happens. As I was saying I was left on the doorstep in a small basket with a note attached to the blanket I was wrapped in. Saying that, yes, my parents loved me, but they just couldn’t afford to sustain me. The letter also mentioned something about who they were at the time, their names and such, but I took no interest. I didn’t understand, the owner of the home told me when I was five. At the time my best friend was all the family I need. But she was adopted shortly after.

As I said before I’m nearly seventeen, just nearly, my birthday is in a few days. Just a week off of Christmas, which is in two weeks by the way. I was thinking the other day, what kind of information they put on the letter and how accurate it was. If… If Miss, the owner, would help me locate them, maybe they can handle me now. I don’t know. But I would still like to meet them. One of the girls had actually had the chance to find her biological family. She was adopted a few years back, she’s fourteen now and she had the chance to find her bio’s. Bio’s we call them, because biological family is just too long to say. So it got me thinking… What if I could find my family, well, bio’s. They’re technically not my family since I don’t really know them.

Now it’s just trying to get Miss to help me look for them, though I doubt she will. It’s a policy here that once an orphan reaches, well, close to adulthood they give up on the adoption process and just give them a full scholarship to the college of the child’s choice. If I reach that point I would love to go to Juilliard but the college is so competitive there’s a slim chance I would get in. But it’s possible. Oh boy, here comes the sun, da da da dum. Yes, a Beatles reference. No, we are not completely deprived here.

The rats have scampered off at this point. And thus begins the daily routine. Sitting here watching the sun rise as the rest of the sleepyheads make their way out of bed and into the mess room, or kitchen, whatever the word is of the day. Noises filled the room as the girls climbed out of bed. The breakfast bell rang and I hopped down from the window seat and jogged down the stairs, dressed as usual, before the other girls and ready to eat. Today is a special day. One of the younger girls, Kali, is leaving today. Her adoptive parents finally filled out the paper work and she is off. Meaning we get a real breakfast today. Not like we don’t everyday, but these days are different, waffles and pancakes, when we normally get like, cereal and oatmeal, and on a rare occasion cornmeal.

Kali’s new parent’s are here as well, as soon I see them I make sure to slow down, as to not seem… Undiplomatic? Is that right word? Anyway. I took my seat politely and smiled. The girls filed in one by one, with Kali at the end, all dressed up in the pretty green smock Miss made the night before. Speaking of which, here comes Miss. Her eyes are darkened from the lack of sleep, but none of the girls notice, they are too preoccupied with the fact that Kali is leaving. Some are even shedding a few useless tears.

Miss called the table to order and the girls quickly shape up. Within moment we are introduced to the new parents and then proceed to eat breakfast. I watched the girls eat quietly, stealing glances at the new parents and back at Kali. Who, actually at the moment looked like she had been tortured and then was told not to say anything about it.

Breakfast finished in an orderly fashion and, like cattle, we merged into the main room to say our final good-byes. Kali hugged each girl dutifully, but when my turn was up to hug her she clung to me. I may not have mentioned this before but this particular little girl was like a little sister to me. When she got here I took care of her because Miss was having boyfriend troubles at the time. So yes this little girl holds a dear place in my heart.

“I’ll miss you,” she whispered to me, her voice sounded strained, even for such a young age.

“And I’ll miss you kiddo, take care of yourself ok? These are good folks, and hey, at least you’ll have a bed to yourself,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood a little bit. “I’ll come visit when I can ok?” I promised, though I knew it would never happen. So did she.

“No you won’t,” Kali whispered.

I chuckled at that comment and hugged her again. My heart and limbs knew I had to pry myself away from her otherwise I’d be sitting there holding that girl all day long. The line of girls continued on after me but I had run up to the balcony, trying to fight the intense churning in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to find a bathroom and fast. I could feel my breakfast wishing to be free again, and on the floor. The bathroom door gave way when I pushed on it and I stumbled to hover my face over the toilet. My arm wrapped around my stomach and the other held my head over the bowl so I didn’t fall in.

Miss had apparently seen me falling over myself to get here and came to check on me.
“You ok?” she asked in her sickening motherly tone.

“I’m fine,” I croaked, knowing I wasn’t going to see breakfast again, but somehow I just didn’t feel well. Apparently this condition was obvious to Miss and she came in the bathroom and sat down next to me.

“It’s because Kali is leaving isn’t it?” she asked, trying to be diplomatic and prying with out making the obvious worse.

“No,” I snapped and pulled back from the toilet leaning against the opposite wall. She just looked at me with those deep brown eyes and smiled softly. The corners of her mouth lifted just so to make me cringe, “Yes,” I finally managed to reply. “I don’t know why her leaving affected me this way. Hundreds of girls have left this building and we do the same routine, every time. But this time, this time I felt like my heart was being ripped out as I watched Kali walk out the door.”

Miss just looked at me and said nothing, which was uncomfortable, awkward silences always were. So to make the moment even more awkward I just stared at her. She sighed and got up, “When you’re through with your pity party, the laundry needs to be done.”

Of course, Miss had to think of the laundry at a time like this. My stomach still churned against itself. I finally decided to pry myself off the ground and get started on the laundry. Good thing I didn’t have to do this everyday. Clothes are disgusting, well at least used ones. And some of these girls have a tendency to roll in mud. Showers are required after completing this task.

A thick deep ringing filled the room and the yard, the bell for lunch. I scurried out of the room, much like my little rat friends and made it to the lunch table. The air was thick, you could slice it with a knife and watch it bleed for days. The girls just pushed at their food and I wondered if I wasn’t the only one feeling like life is over. Several of the younger girls were sniveling over the food.

Miss saw the condition of the girls and sighed. The look on her face meant a pep talk was building in her head. My eyes closed and I leaned back into my chair, forcing myself to shovel food into my mouth. I really did not want to hear another pep talk from Miss. They were always so sickeningly loving and gentle. If I heard another one I would honestly consider forcing myself to reveal breakfast back on the table, just for the sake of getting her to stop.

Some of the other girls nearby got the drift and started to eat as well, the domino effect taking over the table. I glanced over at Miss as I drank my milk; the disappointed sparkle in her eyes was almost enough to send me into a fit of giggles.

I fought to control the laughter bubbling up in my throat but I failed miserably. The laugh trickled out of my mouth and grew in volume, until every single one of the girls followed along. Several of the girls fell out of their chairs from the sudden fit. Miss as well was chuckling along with the girls.

“Ladies, ladies, please contain your selves,” she said suddenly as she rose from her chair. Her five-foot frame was not daunting, but the fact that most of us grew up with her as the matriarch had enough power over us to cease the giggling fit. With the silence she smiled and looked to all of us. After all of our enthusiasm she still would pull the pep talk.

“Now I know you all are missing Kali, which I can understand how you guys are out of hand. But you all should know that she is in a loving home, her parents will take good care of her. I know we will miss her, but just remember she is better off. Every one of you will have your day too. And we will miss you then too,” she smiled softly as she spoke.

“No,” I counted, standing. “I’ve yet to have my day. I have been here seventeen years now and every single child that has walked out that door, none of those departures had the same effect that Kali’s departure has had. There is something special about that little girl. And I know you all feel it too,” I said turning to the girls. “That girl had something, something special. And it affected and changed us all, in ways we didn’t realize until just now,” I turned again and looked at her. “And none of your little pep talks is going to change that. So for once, please, let us mourn the loss of a friend, in so many words, in peace.” With that I turned and excused myself from the table.

Now I knew I was busted, Miss will never help me find my family now. Well, my bio’s at least. As for family that is something I will never have. I get it now. Family is just unavailable to some. I guess I’m one of those few that are lucky enough not to have to fight with parents. Something about that made my heart wrench within my chest. Suddenly my eyes burned and I couldn’t function. My knees collapsed under me and I felt the cold hard smack of the floor against them.

My lungs felt like they’d stopped working, my heart beating at an unnatural rate, skipping and doubling beats. Not at all helped by my rapidly erratic breath. A tight grip took hold of my throat and the burning in my eyes worsened. Before I knew it, warm streaks of tears ran down my cold cheeks. Sobs poured from me in a way I had never experienced. The pain that couple with the sobs was too much to bear, my arms wrapped around my chest as if to hold myself from falling apart.

My world spiraled and seemed crash on top of me as I sat there, holding myself together as I sobbed, curled up in the hallway, my tears pooling beneath me. Miss must have heard me because I felt her gentle hand on my back. My head jerked up to look at her, I could nearly feel terror creeping into my face; I couldn’t let her see me like this. Not after that fight I just put up.

She said nothing; just wrapped her arms around me, another disgustingly mother-like moment, but I needed it. I let my arms wrap around her and I sobbed into her shoulder, drenching her shirt. Miss simply sat there, letting me cry, not saying a word.

When I finally finished dehydrating myself I pulled back from her and blinked, a couple times. She looked back, her brown eyes soft and understanding.

“Miss?” I started, unsure if I really wanted to try and find my bio’s.

“Yes?”

“If I asked you to help me with something… Would you?” I probed, trying to get a feel of her reaction.

“Of course,” she replied with a smiled.

“Even if it meant finding my bio’s?”

Her face fell for a moment, “I will have to double check if I am allowed to. You know the rules.
Sometimes there is the privacy clause-,”

“But my parent’s didn’t sign anything, they left me on the doorstep with a note pinned to my bassinet!” I cut her off, knowing the story.

“That is true, but even then, there might be a law, or a federal law protecting them,” she corrected.

“Whatever, I knew you couldn’t help,” I snapped and stood. With my chin lifted ever so slightly I marched back to my room. One of the girls looked up at me as if to ask what was wrong, but she thought better of it. I could see it in her face. My seat on the window was free as always and plopped myself into the window, glaring out at the world that apparently hated me.

It seemed like mere minutes that I had sat there fuming, letting wild thought pass through my head, but before I knew it the dinner bell rang. The girls had already left the room it looked like. But I stayed. I looked out the window again and sighed. My heart twisted again as I sat there and thought about how some kids were lucky enough to know what it’s like to grow up with a mom and dad, to be able to fight with their parents. I guess I didn’t realize how much I wanted to experience that. To live with parents, fight, argue, love, have fun, everything you could do with a family. I wanted to know what it was like.

At this rate I knew that would never happen. I just wasn’t cut out for it. Even my parent’s didn’t want me when I was a child. No one wants to deal with a rogue child, especially not one with an attitude. And not one my age, the majority of the parents want children that are under the age of one, and if they can’t get that they’ll settle for a child under five. Anyone over that is lost their chance. And of course parents are selfish. They only get the best looking ones. So the one’s with an odd nose, or off-colored hair, like mine, they just don’t cut it. Now I don’t have an odd nose. At least I don’t think so. I focused on the reflection in the glass.

In fact, if I had paid more attention to detail I could have been a cute kid. My nose had a certain kind of swoop to it. It fits well on my face to. Not to big, not to small. My eyes are relatively decent. I don’t like them but many of the girls think they are neat. It’s one of the thing’s that made me unique. They were a slight violet color, with a gold ring in the center. My hair is the most unique. Because it’s not stereotypical, it’s a red color, almost maroon and straight.

Most redheads have a more carrot color red, and their hair is curly. That’s not so with mine. I love my hair. I like my nose. But it’s my hair and eyes that most of the parents I had talked to disliked. But ever, it didn’t matter now. Just another year and I will have my scholarship to Juilliard.

I could hear the girls downstairs eating dinner and chatting happily to themselves, Kali, the sweetheart, already forgotten. Not by me though. I wonder how she’s doing. If she’d adjusted to her new home yet, what toys her new happy parents got her. Most importantly, if she was happy, I would like to know if she is happy. I sighed, and my heart felt like a brick in my chest dragging me further into this whole of darkness that I’ve dug for myself in recent days.

This darkness surrounded me as I closed my eyes. The window was cold against my cheek as I rested against the glass. Before long the sounds of the girls climbing in bed filled the room.

Sheryl, the girl that was looking at me before came up to me and put her hand on my elbow, the girl was no more than fourteen but she picked up on the fact I was distraught. She said nothing but smiled peacefully. I couldn’t help but smile back and mess up her hair teasingly. A small giggled emitted from her and she scampered off to her bed, leaving me be by the window. Miss normally came in around midnight so I knew I had another two hours before I would actually crawl in bed.

Now is about the time most would think I’d be waiting for my rat friends. I was only kidding about that. It’s just nice to think that something would be my friend. Even if it couldn’t talk back like a rat, and now that Kali’s gone, my loneliness deepened.

More than ever I want to find my bio’s but I doubt that Miss will help with that. The door cracked open and my heart leapt into my throat as I turned to face the door. It was Miss. The lights are out and I’m stuck on the windowsill. Busted again, she’s got to hate me by now.

Actually she smiled and motioned for me to come to her.