Just Like You Imagined

In the land of fluffy clouds, and of course we mustn’t forget the unicorns.
Rainbows and happy fairies. I’m resting under a tree, I’m alone and the sun is shining bright. I’m even wearing a t-shirt to my great surprise. I can hear music; it’s probably inside my head though. I can’t imagine listening to Nine Inch Nails without someone complaining. La Mer. It’s almost too perfect
Yeah, this is the best place I’ve ever been to. For sure.
”Alice?
Where are you?
Alice, I’m home.”

Home?
What the hell, this isn’t home…

The song changes.
My voice just echoes off these walls, and I just slowly fade away.
Fade away Fade away Fade away.
My fluffy, pink clouds are turning into rainclouds and it’s getting dark. A black abyss.

My eyes snap open. Shit. I knew it was too good to be true.

“There you are, I thought you’d gone out.” My mom entered my bedroom
I looked at my alarm clock next to my bed. 17:13.
“I just fell asleep for a while. Is dad home?”
“No, he got caught up at work; he’ll be here soon though.
God, this awful music you listen to.”

‘Caught up at work.¨’ Yeah, right. Caught up doing his secretary is more like it
I wonder if my mom will ever admit to herself that he’s been cheating on her all along.

She walked over to my cd player and pushed the power button.
See what I meant about the complaining part?
“Mom, could you just leave me alone, please?”
She left my room with a “Dinner will be ready soon”.

It was starting to get dark, I went to turn the light on. Passing the mirror.
I stood there for a while. Staring at myself.
My jet black, waist-long hair. And my heavy side fringe.
My skinny, brittle body. With the scars hiding beneath my dark clothes.
Maybe it was time for a change?
Maybe I could get away from my identity for a while.
Maybe he wouldn’t recognize me for some time if I changed?

I looked at the scissors lying on my desk on the other side of my room. Yes.
That seems like a good idea.
As I’m standing there lost in thought I can hear my father’s car pulling up to the driveway.
Urgh. I’ll have to think of that later. I’ll be forced to have dinner now.
And as expected.

“Alice, come on. Dinner’s ready and you father’s home.”
I walked down the stairs, My dad was in the hallway taking his jacket off.
“Hi dad”
“Hi” he replied.
We walked to the kitchen in silence. Apparently we’re eating tacos. Weird.
It’s Monday tacos seems a little special for that. Whatever.

My tortilla is getting way too full. It’s so annoying, It always ends up being too much in it no matter how I do it, and then I end up getting all the sauce and shit running down my hand. Getting all sticky.
Taking my first bite.
“So how was school today Alice?” my dad asked me.
“I went home early ‘cause I was feeling sick” I replied, he sure isn’t gonna like that.
A look of irritation flashed across his face.
He cleared his throat
“You sure don’t look very sick to me.” He said in a patronizing tone.
“Yeah, well I was. So deal”
“Don’t speak to you father in that way Alice…” My mom interrupted.

I’m so fucking sick of this. Sitting here at the table every night. Playing happy families.
When clearly none of us is happy.

“Oh you’re getting sauce all down you’re sleeve Alice, here let me help?”
She reached for my sleeve to turn it up. My breath hitched in my throat.
She reached for the left sleeve. In panic I snapped my arm away from her.
“Mom fucking leave me alone!? I’m not a baby. I don’t want anymore food, I’m going upstairs”
I stood up and went to my room as fast as I could.
“Alice, Don’t you talk like that at the dinner table! Alice come back downstairs!”
My dad shouted up the stairs in an angry voice.
Fuck that. I’m not going anywhere near them for the rest of the night.

My heart drumming in my ears. Shit, that was so close.
Way too close. I have to be more careful
I stood there leaning against my door coming off my adrenaline/panic rush, for what seemed like for ever. I locked my door just to be safe. I went over to my cd player,
removed Year Zero and put The Downward Spiral on.
It’s ironic how this ‘hardcore anxiety music’ can make me feel better, but it does.
I walk with shaky legs over to my bed. My alarm clock says 18:37.
I close my eyes for a while. I’m exhausted.

Dreaming. Back in that prefect, peaceful place.

Waking up. Yet again. 23:11.

My parents have gone to bed. I can’t fall back to sleep.
I know just how to pass the time though.
Almost excited I walk to my desk where the scissors lie. I know just what I want.
Shane McCutcheon-hair[<3].
I sigh, silently saying goodbye to my long hair. I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I take one strand of my hair. Open the scissors. Close them, and the hair falls to the floor.
Again and Again and Again

23:46

I stand there astounded at my reflection. It looks pretty good.
I just wish I could get over the reason behind this crazy act.
Hopefully I can escape his attention for some time.
Deep down I know this won’t fool him though.

I turn the light off, walk over to my bed,and fall into a deep sleep.

Full of Unicorns and Rainbows.
But don’t forget the Rainclouds and the dark Abyss.

In my finest hour of my darkest day