'Til the Need Seeps In

"Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me," I sang softly, as Mike strummed the last chords in Bohemian Rhapsody.

He started playing a slow song as I sat on the couch tapping my bottom lip with the end of my pencil.

"What do you feel like doing?" Mike asked, sitting idly as he played softly.

"I dunno. I'm incredibly uninspired. Do you have any plans?" I asked.

"Nope. There aren't any big parties tonight, so nobody to do make-up for"

We sighed, sitting back against the couch and basking in the sun, which streamed through the open curtains. As we stared up at the boring roof, Adam came out of the home office. He grunted and snarled, walking briskly over to the windows and shutting the blinds.

"I hate those windows," he muttered.

"Then move out," Mike said, roughly.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Hanging out with my best friend, since her husband never does"

"Hey now-," Adam started angrily.

"Guys. Please stop. Mike, let's just go out. There's gotta be something to do. We'll just leave Adam alone," I interrupted, trying to avoid confrontation.

I cleaned our things up quickly as Mike and Adam stared each other down. I picked up Mike and my jackets and handed Mike's jacket to him. He snatched it out of my hands and led me out, his hand on the small of my back.

"I'll be home later. Uh, probably after dinner okay?" I said to Adam, who's eyes seemed to have lit up.

He closed the door behind him and we walked down the hallway, silent as Mike fumed. As soon as he got into the elevator, Mike's opinion exploded into words.

"I hate your husband. He's so," he paused, struggling for words.

"Stubborn"

"Not exactly the word I was looking for. I was thinking something a little harsher"

"Well, he is in any case"

"Why do you even bother?"

"Because I love him. I love him so much that I can't even explain my feelings"

"He doesn't seem to share your gusto"

"He's got a different way of expressing his affection"

"Well whatever happened to that guy you were in love with? What was his name?"

"I don't particularly want to remember"

"But you really loved him and he was head over heels for you"

I grimaced, remembering Jonas' impish grim and young face.

"Do you remember though? I really liked him. What was his name?"

"Jonas," I muttered.

"Jonas! Now that was a man"

"He was more of a boy"

"More of a man than Adam. You know what? I haven't even seen him around anywhere. Do you know what happened to him?"

"I bet he's off having a great life. I bet he's forgotten all about me"

"I doubt it. You were too far in love"

"We were never in love. I loved Adam and I always will"

Mike frowned.

"There's something odd about Adam"

"What do you mean?"

"Was he always this distant? I remember him being all over you back when you two first got married"

"He just needs some space. Or maybe something new"

"Ew. Are you talking about getting kinky with your hubby? I don't wanna know"

"I said none of that"

"Well it's implied"

"New things aren't always bad you know"

"Unless it's someone instead of something new"

"He would never do that to me. He loves me as much as I love him"

Mike looked down at his shoes, walking along the underground parking lot.

"Where do you wanna go?" I asked, getting into the sleek black car.

"Let's just drive and see where it leads us"

I nodded and started the engine. I waved at the security guard and he waved back lazily. Mike rummaged through the CD cases and popped in a hot pink CD.

Liz Phair's Extraordinary started to play.

"Oh my gosh! I can't believe you kept this mix," Mike exclaimed, referring to the mixed CD we made when we were twelve.

"Well why wouldn't I? It reminds me of really good times"

Mike smiled.

"Can we talk then?"

"Absolutely. You're my best friend"

"How are you managing in the public eye?"

I suddenly realized why he picked this mix and this long drive. He wanted a long sentimental catching up. He also chose to let me drive, so that I couldn't turn my gaze elsewhere or change the CD without him reacting faster.

"You're incredibly clever"

"I know. I'm glad you finally figured it out. So?"

"It's really hard"

"What's up?"

"We've got the bills to keep us the hot topic, but I haven't got the prissy attitude to get along with anybody. Everybody avoids me and I'm always by myself"

"What about Adam? Does he go to any of those parties?"

I shook my head.

"Never"

"Well being alone isn't all bad"

"Would you know? You're always surrounded by people who adore you. I'm surrounded by people who are afraid of me. All they want me from is a big fat wad of cash and a new dress to gossip about"

"I am extraordinary if you ever get to know me, I am extraordinary. I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho, super goddess, average every day sane psycho" Liz Phair sang softly from my speakers.

"How about telling me a story"

"Sure"

I wound up taking the Williamsburg Bridge out of the city.

"After high school, where did you go? How did you meet Adam and when did Jonas hop out of the picture?"

I sighed and opened a bottle of water. Taking a sip, I braced for the long story ahead.

"After we graduated, as you know, I went to law school. You went for cosmetology and I went for law. Adam was in the same school as me, but for business and we only ever saw each other when walking around the halls and sometimes during meals. He was a jock, he lived in a frat house and his education was paid for, more than earned. He knew he'd get his family's business and that was enough cash for him to never have to work a lick. I got accepted with hard work. The first semester of my freshman year, Jonas and I were madly in love. He was in a different state, studying psychology. He joked about being the next Doctor Phil. But he'd be Doctor Jonas and he would have less bullshit.

"As soon as my lawyer family decided they needed more cash flow, they partnered with a business corporation. They partnered with Reedings Insurance. It was perfect, insurance and law together. Our families chatted and chatted and soon they figured out that Adam and I went to the same school. Adam was a few years older than me, but what did it matter? It was only two. They made a proposal to each other and we were betrothed. Adam was nineteen and I was seventeen. With me still a minor, since they only had so much time, they signed the papers to have me married. I was betrothed at seventeen. I spent my eighteenth birthday in school, a small party with my friends. Jonas even drove all they way out to kiss me, eat some cake, give me a present and leave cause he had school the next day.

"Around the holidays, I went home. I was completely exhausted from finals and I just wanted to go home and not think about Brown vs the Board of Education for the rest of my life. The second I got home, my mom and dad greeted me, a diamond ring in their hand. I said, 'But I didn't even get my grades back yet!' and then Adam, came from the back room, looked me up and down, smiled and got one knee. He offered me the ring and I was appalled. I slapped him across the face and screamed that he didn't even know me. My parents got him a pack of ice and sat me down in the sitting room. We talked it over and I was bawling. I didn't even drag my suitcases up the stairs before I was proposed to. It was so fast. Apparently we were to get married and as soon as we were married, we would get half of our inheritance. We would get twenty five percent of inheritance once our parents gave us their business' and the rest when they died. Together that was over 3 billion dollars.

"I wasn't allowed to say no. Later that night, Jonas came over, he crawled up the banister like he normally did. I was crying my eyes out, seeing him wasn't helping at all. I had to break it to him easy. He leaned in to kiss me and I turned my head. He got my cheek and knew something was very wrong. Maybe it was because I was so rigid or maybe it was because he was going to be a psychologist, but he got really serious and sat on my bed, waiting for me. All I said was, 'I found somebody else. I don't love you' I thought that if he hated me, it would be easier to forget him. He got up, he walked out of my room, down the banister and I never saw him again"

I stopped and took another sip. By then, I was far out into Long Island. I decided while we were on the Long Island Expressway that we were going to Montauk. It was clear there, there were beaches, a warm vacation home and probably snow.

"What happened then?" Mike asked softly, almost like he didn't want to know.

"I got married. You were there. We dated while we were engaged. I fell in love with him"

"You didn't fall in love with him, you filled the void"

"You're wrong," I said, gripping the steering wheel so tight, my knuckles were white.

He huffed and we stopped talking about my past. He relayed to me his college career, his friends in school, his boy problems and all manner of chit chat. We pulled into the drive way of my vacation home and got out, the cool air chilling us. We ran, giggling to the front door and I unlocked it swiftly.

"It's colder in here than out there," Mike complained, rubbing his arms as I flipped on the light.

I turned the gas on in the fireplace and lit the fire. It lit and Mike and I huddled close, waiting for the rest of the house to get warm. I found some throw blankets and we sat on the couch, watching the sun set on the clear Montauk coast.

"It's beautiful here," Mike sighed.

"Yeah. That's why I bought it. It's lovely here"

We ordered food in and forgot our problems in a fit of laughter. We watched a few movies, pigged out and hung out. As soon as the clock struck nine, we had to be on our way if we wanted to make it home on time. It took about three hours from the City to the very tip of Long Island, where we were. Mike had some appointments tomorrow and we needed to be on our way.

The ride home was quiet for the most part. After about a half hour of driving, Mike nodded off and I popped in a relaxing classical mix. The first deep chords of Moonlight Sonata rang through and probably lulled Mike into a deeper sleep. I was rested and pleased with my day. I got to spend all this time with my best and only friend that I had actually made with no help from anybody. Adam was more like a forced friend and Ceci was a bit like a hired friend. It felt good to hang out with my only real friend. The silence lent me time to think and I thought back on our conversations. At first, I only remembered the funny conversations, chuckling under my breath at the replay of events. But then I remembered our serious conversation. I thought about Jonas, his light brown hair falling over his ears in a shaggy, yet cute, way. His honey eyes were always warming and comforting, his skin was soft, but he had toned muscles from scaling the side of my house almost every night. His hands were much bigger than mine and slightly rough and calloused. I remembered his lips the most, they were softer than any silk I've ever felt and gentle. Jonas was completely perfect in every way and I had broken his heart. He was probably off getting his own private practice by now, maybe he had a wife, maybe some kids.

We weren't old, but it was still enough time by now. I would have loved to find out what he was up to by now.

I dragged Mike up into his hotel room as he kissed my cheek.

"Night Mom. Can you make waffles tomorrow? With choco-chips?" Mike asked, quite delirious from the sleep.

"Maybe," I responded, smiling as I tucked him in under the covers. I ripped his shoes off his feet and fished around his pockets for his cellphone.

I plugged it into the charger and set his alarm clock.

I left his room, and got back into the car that the doorman was watching. I handed the man a twenty dollar bill and he smiled graciously, bowing his head slightly.

I yawned as I pulled into the garage. It was just past midnight and I stretched as I got out of the car, happy to be in a different position. I pressed the elevator button and I was annoyed that it was taking so long. I just wanted to go home, shower and sleep. That was all. The elevator seemed to take longer than normal, but I got there eventually. I slid my key into the lock, only to find the door already unlocked. At first, I thought we had been burglarized, but then I saw him.

Adam and another woman stood in the middle of the living room. She was missing a heel and her skirt was thrown haphazardly over the kitchen counter, exposing her black lacy underwear. Adam's hand rested on her bum, supporting her as they kissed passionately. Her silky blouse was unbuttoned most of the way, revealing her flat stomach and her matching black lacy bra, Adam's other hand was caressing her chest and I gagged.

"What the hell are you doing?!"