Tonight

“I think I fucked up.”

I was at Tix and Britt’s house the next morning, wallowing in my self-pity. Shit, I hadn’t even spent a whole night on the rocks with Nick and I felt like I was going to throw up with all the emotion. I groaned and reclined Tix’s caustic lay-z-boy chair all the way back. Well, it was more like I touched the knob on the side by accident and it sent me all the way back, but I just stayed there and closed my eyes, still miserable.

“Aww what happened, muffin? Jonas not fucking you right?”

I cracked an eye open once I heard Britt speak, she looked serious enough in the face but her eyes still held that mischievous glint that showed that she rarely took anything
seriously. Except when she was pissed, then she took everything too seriously.

“No, I kind of sort of broke up with him.” I mumbled that response, too ashamed to actually say it out loud.
Britt looked up from the TV with a shocked expression on her face.
“Seriously?” She asked, “What happened? You guys seemed cool last night.”
I groaned like I was in pain and threw my arm over my face.
“I’m such a dumbass. All he did was say he loved me and I freaked.”
“Eww the L-word.” Was Britt’s initial response, but seconds later she elaborated.
“Okay, bad response. Why would you be freaked by him loving you? I mean it’s totally
obvious that he does. Hell, he puts up with your shit. That’s love, muffin.”

I frowned at the whole “He puts up with your shit” thing.
“Hey, whose side are you on?” I asked, looking at the dirty ceiling, “And what the hell do you mean ‘why am I freaked?’ You know me and love don’t mix. Remember Jax?”

My boyfriend of two months Jax and I were on my bed one spring afternoon. I was studying for a bio exam and he was texting someone on his phone. Lying on my stomach, I giggled feeling Jax’s fingers run playfully down my spine.

“Stop it, baby.” I smiled over my shoulder at Jax, who was leaning against my headboard with a wicked smirk on his face, “I’m studying.”
Sinuous like a jungle cat, Jax moved towards me and laid down next to me at the foot of the bed, his shoulder length dirty blonde hair tickling my face with how close we were.

“Fuck, Mel. You’re always studying.” He complained, turning over so he laid on his back, “How about you get your head out of those stupid books and come play with me.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. Jax was always like that, selfish to the point of almost being insufferable, demanding, and childish. He wasn’t childish in the bedroom, though, in that aspect Jackson “Jax” Montgomery was all man. And I loved him, so I guess I could overlook all his faults.

“Baby, I have a midterm next week; I need all the studying I can get.” I tried to joke about my intelligence to lighten the mood and even added a slight laugh. Since Jax moved to the foot of the bed, the room grew uncharacteristically tense. I lowered my head back to my book but looked at Jax out of the corner of my eye to see him eyeing me like a lion would its prey.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that, babe?”

I had started to smile but that faded when Jax moved closer and accidentally-on-purpose swiped my book, notebook, and pen on the floor. Before I could protest, he had turned me around and had risen above me. My hair caught between my back and my bed and the sensation sent a streak of pain to my scalp and I was sure I was laying on my uncapped highlighter. In short, I was very uncomfortable and slightly nervous.

“Fuck, Jax, what’s your problem?” I snapped, trying to push him off me. Given the fact that Jax was a mechanic who wasn’t afraid of the gym, I was easily overpowered and I soon found my hands held above my head.

“This isn’t funny now get off!” Jax’s hold was starting to scare me, and the hungry look in his eye was adding to the fear. I had never seen him like this and when we used to play wrestle before, he always had a light, teasing glint in his eye. In fact, the fact that Jax was so playful was one of the things that drew me to him when we met at Ditch. Now when I looked in his eyes I didn’t see playful at all.

“What, love? I thought you liked it rough.”

Jax’s voice was like sugar laced with cyanide and I was scared shitless. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this at all. Any struggling I did was met with a sinister laugh and more of his body pressed on mine. The hand undoing the button on my jeans increased the gravity of the situation so I did what I was told to do in situations like that: I screamed my head off.

“God, that tool from your freshman year? I told you that Ditch was a horrible place to meet guys but did you listen to me? Nooo, Britt doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
I actually sat up from the chair to glare at her.
“Not. Helping.” I repeated, “And remember Adam? He totally screwed me over.”

“Yanno, for a three person band, why do you fucks have all this equipment?”

It was a late, crisp fall night and I was helping Cum’On Roxy unload their equipment into the Candy Van, their “gig van” or basically Tix’s car. It was called the Candy Van because it was just this dingy, white van with “Free Candy!” spray painted in black on both sides. I didn’t even know the name of the piece that I was carrying outside, only that Britt was going to “break her foot off in my ass” if I broke it.

“Mini, Mini, Mini…” Tix purred, patting my ass fondly with one hand while carrying his broken down mike stand in the other, “It takes a lot of machines for us to sound so deconstructed.”
I rolled my eyes at that and set the machine down carefully in the back of the van.

“Dougie move your cunt ass!” With a cigarette cherry burning red in the dark of the night, Britt emerged with her huge keyboard case balanced securely on her two outstretched arms. She was yelling back at COR’s drummer, Doug, who was carrying the last of the drum equipment. I frowned as I heard the C-word.

“Hey, that’s not nice!” I frowned, hitting Britt lightly in the arm after she set her case down, “No need to call him a C-word!”
Adorable little Asian Dougie beamed at me triumphantly.
“Yeah, Britt, not nice!” He countered, sticking his tongue out jokingly before laughing.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, eat me.” Britt was too tired to have a witty response, and I didn’t blame her. It was nearly three in the morning.

“Mel come home with me and Tixwell,” Britt slung her arms tiredly around my shoulders and playfully nipped at my ear before adding sleazily, “We’ll make it worth your while.”
I didn’t even have the strength to correct her grammar.

“Naw, I’ll threesome with you nasty hoes later.” I giggled as Tix joined in on the hug and started to dry hump us, “Adam told me to swing by after I helped you guys out.”
Tix and Britt shared a look and collectively rolled their eyes at me. I knew exactly what was coming and braced myself.

“Oh Adam, fuck me harder!” Britt started off with a high pitched moan that sounded freakishly like me, “Oh God, yeah, pull my hair just like that! OOOOOHHHH!”
Tix grinned wickedly and joined in on the fun.
“Yeah you like that, don’t you, slut? You like when I pull your fucking hair? You’re such a dirty girl, baby. Only dirty girls like shit like that.”

My best guy friend moved over to where Britt was and created this elaborate scene of him humping her and pulling her dirty blonde hair in slow motion. To any passerby, we would look like mental institution escapees, but Dougie just laughed hysterically at our antics. Tix, Britt, and I just had that crazy, incredibly close relationship where we could do anything around each other and still be cool. That and we all thought that dry humping was super hilarious.

“Oh wow, look at these comedians over here.” I said sarcastically, but grinned nonetheless. It was pretty funny. They soon finished in a noisy climax and Tix snatched Britt’s cigarette and took a drag.
“I need a smoke after that fuck!” He said overdramatically. I got my car keys out of my purse and shook them.

“Well, I’m gonna head out, friends. I’ll be around for breakfast tomorrow, kay?” I said, yawning in my hand. We all said our goodbyes and I got in my shitty first generation Mini Cooper and headed to my boyfriend’s apartment. The streets of LA were surprisingly clear and I made it to his building in no time. I let myself in with the key he gave me –it was part of my three month anniversary gift –and stopped short as I walked in the door.
All I heard was various forms of dirty talk and loud moans that came from the direction of the small, hole in the wall bedroom.

“What the hell?” I frowned, walking towards the source of the noise. I actually thought that I had the wrong apartment before ruling out how stupid that was. Adam’s bedroom door was cracked open and I looked in to see him having sex with another woman. Shock managed to take over before anger settled in and when that happened, I kicked the door wide open.

“So you’re fucking other bitches now?!” I exploded, taking the hair tie I always kept around my wrist and tying my hair into a messy bun, “Oh hell no!”

To digress mildly, when I was younger I used to stay with my aunt on my dad’s side in Englewood, California. To put it lightly, her and her family were very ghetto (in the best way!) and sometimes when I got really angry, their influences came out. Now was one of those times. I was ready to fight the both of them.
Seeing my frantic expression, Adam scrambled out of the bed and hastily into his boxers.

“Mel, I swear, it’s not what it looks like!” He tried to tell me, “I love you!” Behind him, the bitch he was fucking was putting her clothes on quickly, not trying to call attention to the fact that she was still in the room. I narrowed my eyes at the both of them.

“You know what? First, Imma whip your ass,” I looked over his shoulder, “And then I’m comin’ for you, bitch! You better pray to God I let you live!”

I toed off my heels and swung at Adam, catching his cheek. He swore at the impact and stumbled back some. I continued to take out my hurt and frustration out on Adam’s body, until I had a realization: That asshole wasn’t even worth all the effort. Mind you, it was a little late to try and save him and when I stopped abruptly, he cowered away. I was breathing hard and looked around to see that the bold whore had fled. I think it was then that the tears came, flowing down my cheeks like a warm river. I actually really thought that he loved me. I turned and left, but not before looking at his pathetic form over my shoulder.

“Lose my fucking number.”

Britt scoffed at that.
“I’m surprised he didn’t fuck around with another guy, you knew how effeminate the douche was. Didn’t he ask to borrow your makeup once?”
I winced at the memory. He did ask to borrow my eyeshadow once to fill in his eyebrows.
“What are you getting at?” I asked impatiently. The whole shooting down my argument thing was getting tiring. Britt lit a cigarette slowly before answering; it was like she wanted to
annoy me more.

“What I’m saying is that you have shit taste in guys.” She told me bluntly, “And when you finally choose the right one –and if you tell that Dizcunt I said that, I’ll kill you –you push him away. You can’t keep living your life like that, sugar snatch, you’re gonna end up like my Aunt Gena, alone with a cat colony and a serious hoarding problem.”

As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. Before it never really occurred to me to blame the guys that fucked me over instead of myself; I just thought that I drove them to do the horrible things they did. I could feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, once I finally placed the blame on those assholes. But once that weight was gone, the guilt set in. I hoped it wasn’t too late for Nick and me. As if reading my thoughts, Britt rolled her eyes and turned back to the TV.

“Stop being so fucking overdramatic and go to him.”