This Is Where I Scream From

I was almost asleep when I felt someone crawl up into my bunk. I didn't need to turn around to know it was Gerard.

"What?" I asked.

"What the hell was that about?"

I sighed and turned around to face him.

"Gerard, I'm sorry. I just don't really like her. I think you can do a lot better, and I'm not the only one." I say, tiredly.

"Well then who do you suggest Frankie?" he snapped. "She's the only person who could possibly put up with me. I haven't met anyone that would want someone like me except her. That gives her credit in my eyes."

I just looked at him.
"Gerard..." I brought a hand up to his face and held it there. "Please tell me you're not settling for her because you think you won't be able to find anyone better. There are loads of great people out there. Please don't choose her."

He looked at me like he thought I was lying. "Frank, why do you care so much? And I don't think there are that many people out there that I could just choose from. I like her...sort of, and she likes me back. That's a good thing. Why would you try and take it away from me?"

I chose to ignore his first question.

I didn't want to take anything good away from him. I don't want to be a bad guy in his eyes, but I honestly don't think it's a good thing, and it's killing me inside that he could want another person.

"Gerard. I'm not trying to take a good thing away, I'm trying to tell you that there's something even better for you out there."

He didn't even look at me. "What if there isn't? What if I can't find anyone else?" Who else would there be?"

'ME!' my mind was screaming, but I would never say this out loud.

"I don't know, Gerard...just do whatever makes you happy. I still don't like her at all though."

We were silent again. I didn't know what he was thinking. I just listened to him breathe. He was pressed up against me. My skin burned under his touch.

"Frankie," he whispered, finally, "I...I don't think I have anyone else." He said it in such a sad voice that it would have broken my heart it if wasn't already shattered.

"Gee..." I looked straight into his eyes for once, "I know, I KNOW you have someone better for you out there. You just have to open your eyes."

He stared at me for a long time. Then he leaned in and hugged me. The hug lasted forever, it seemed. In reality, it was only a few minutes but time went slow. I took in everything. The way my body molded perfectly to his, the way our hearts beat at the same time. I matched my breathing to the slow rise and fall of his chest. I wanted so desperately to just seep into his skin, hoping that if i stayed there long enough, he could feel my soul, but that's impossible, and will never happen.

"Mmm...Frankie?" he whispered into my ear.

"Yeah?"

"Why can't I find anyone that's right for me?" he asked.

"I think it's because you're looking in the wrong place, Gee."

"I just don't get it. Why am I so alone all the time?" he pleaded.

I had no idea what to say to that. I desperately wanted to tell him that I love him and that I cared for him. That he never really is alone, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"I know how you feel." I mentioned, but he shook his head, which was buried in my shoulder.

"No, Frankie, no you don't. Everyone loves you. You have no idea. I just, I...I-" he broke off.

How could I convince him that he's loved? He started to break down in silent tears.

"Gee, we're both liked, but I'm not loved. At least not the kind of love I want. Not by the person I want to be loved by."

He looked up at me.
"Who is that?" he asked.

I bit my lip.
"Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter."

He rested his head on my shoulder.
"Is it okay if I stay here tonight?"

I just held him closer.
"Of course Gee."

His breathing eventually slowed and became even. He was asleep. I was nowhere close to it.

I held his sleeping form close to me. Savoring the experience as long as I could. He was half lying on top of me with his face buried on my shoulder and his arm draped over my waist.

I felt his warm breath against my neck. It was an oddly sensual experience, but I tried to not let myself get carried away.

I had three options. 1. I could tell Gerard that I loved him, and get shut down and die of depression. 2. I could let him go, just admire him from afar. Not do anything and see what happens and continue being sad, or 3. (I gulped as I thought of this.) I could end it all and off myself. I prayed to God that I didn't get that desperate.

None of these options make me happy. I know I"ll be sad either way, so I started to think of what would make Gerard happy. I doubt that he'd be overjoyed at having to tell me that he doesn't love me, and I don't think he'd appreciate it if I killed myself, so I was left with only one option. Do nothing and just let him do what he wants.