This Is Where I Scream From
You Can Say You Only Think You Know.
I do feel better now, I won't lie. After having so many negative emotions burning through my veins, letting them all out and feeling numb to the world is almost like a sort of high for me.
I get cleaned up, wipe up my mess, hide my razor, throw on a long sleeved shirt, and head to my bunk to sleep or maybe listen to music.
I'm about halfway through a CD and almost asleep when I hear a whisper outside my bunk.
"Frank...Frank can I come in?"
It's Gerard, and I don't know if I can handle being near him at the moment. I consider pretending to be asleep for a few seconds.
"Frank... I know you're awake. Can I please come in?"
I heave a sigh and pull back the curtain to let Gerard in. It's a tight squeeze but there's enough room. I hold my breath and my whole body tenses up. It's so hard for me to be in these situations with him sometimes. Being so close that I can feel his breathing, and I can almost hear his pulse. Still not being close to him anymore at all. I know I shouldn't have let him in, but I can't say no to him. I could never say no to him, no matter what he asks of me.
"Gerard... what do you want?" I say in an almost-polite-but-not-quite-there tone.
"Frank, I just wanted to say sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way. It's just been a bad week for me.'
I let out a sigh. He's apologizing now, like he always does. He gets mad, blows up at me, then an hour and a half later he apologizes and I forgive him. It's too bad that he waits until after my blood has been rinsed down the drain. I don't tell him, I just forgive him. I will always forgive him.
"Gee, do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" I ask. I know it's backwards, and I should be the one letting it all out to him, but I can sense the tension in his voice, he needs to vent a little, and I would never lay my burden of self harm on him. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with that. Even if he's the cause of it all.
He sighs. "Everything is just way too stressful. The tour, being away from home, the media. It's just too much to handle sometimes.
"Gee, I know how you're feeling. We're all feeling it, but don't worry, once we get onstage, you'll forget all about it, and you can get it all out of your system." It's me comforting him again, like I always do, but we both like it that way. It's works... for him at least. I just want him to be happy.
"Frank... you only think you know. I have so much going on right now that it's just unbearable sometimes." He's being a little over dramatic, but I'm supposed to be comforting him so I just nod.
"You're right Gee... I don't know." I sigh and give in before it turns into an argument.
I let him vent about tour planning, media, Mikey getting on his nerves while I just rub his back soothingly. I just listen and nod, like a good friend would, offering small bits of advice when needed, and he relaxes more as he's finishing his rant.
"Feel better Gee?" I ask in a sweet tone.
"Yeah, thanks Frankie for listening and not getting mad and annoyed with me." he says. Then he hugs me and my skin burns. I hug him back but I wish he'd stop soon because it's getting harder and harder to let go of him.
"Anytime, Gerard. You know I'm always here for you."
He shoots me his breathtaking smile and climbs in his bunk to go to bed. I bite my lip and hold tight to my stinging arm where I had cut it.
I get cleaned up, wipe up my mess, hide my razor, throw on a long sleeved shirt, and head to my bunk to sleep or maybe listen to music.
I'm about halfway through a CD and almost asleep when I hear a whisper outside my bunk.
"Frank...Frank can I come in?"
It's Gerard, and I don't know if I can handle being near him at the moment. I consider pretending to be asleep for a few seconds.
"Frank... I know you're awake. Can I please come in?"
I heave a sigh and pull back the curtain to let Gerard in. It's a tight squeeze but there's enough room. I hold my breath and my whole body tenses up. It's so hard for me to be in these situations with him sometimes. Being so close that I can feel his breathing, and I can almost hear his pulse. Still not being close to him anymore at all. I know I shouldn't have let him in, but I can't say no to him. I could never say no to him, no matter what he asks of me.
"Gerard... what do you want?" I say in an almost-polite-but-not-quite-there tone.
"Frank, I just wanted to say sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way. It's just been a bad week for me.'
I let out a sigh. He's apologizing now, like he always does. He gets mad, blows up at me, then an hour and a half later he apologizes and I forgive him. It's too bad that he waits until after my blood has been rinsed down the drain. I don't tell him, I just forgive him. I will always forgive him.
"Gee, do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" I ask. I know it's backwards, and I should be the one letting it all out to him, but I can sense the tension in his voice, he needs to vent a little, and I would never lay my burden of self harm on him. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with that. Even if he's the cause of it all.
He sighs. "Everything is just way too stressful. The tour, being away from home, the media. It's just too much to handle sometimes.
"Gee, I know how you're feeling. We're all feeling it, but don't worry, once we get onstage, you'll forget all about it, and you can get it all out of your system." It's me comforting him again, like I always do, but we both like it that way. It's works... for him at least. I just want him to be happy.
"Frank... you only think you know. I have so much going on right now that it's just unbearable sometimes." He's being a little over dramatic, but I'm supposed to be comforting him so I just nod.
"You're right Gee... I don't know." I sigh and give in before it turns into an argument.
I let him vent about tour planning, media, Mikey getting on his nerves while I just rub his back soothingly. I just listen and nod, like a good friend would, offering small bits of advice when needed, and he relaxes more as he's finishing his rant.
"Feel better Gee?" I ask in a sweet tone.
"Yeah, thanks Frankie for listening and not getting mad and annoyed with me." he says. Then he hugs me and my skin burns. I hug him back but I wish he'd stop soon because it's getting harder and harder to let go of him.
"Anytime, Gerard. You know I'm always here for you."
He shoots me his breathtaking smile and climbs in his bunk to go to bed. I bite my lip and hold tight to my stinging arm where I had cut it.
♠ ♠ ♠
This chapter, along with most of the chapters to come was written in the middle of the night when I had insomnia, so forgive me if it's crap. Comments are always appreciated, and the commenter will always be loved.