This Is Where I Scream From
You Know I Hate Myself Without You Now
It turns out to be a sleepless night. I've been having those a lot more often now. Even though being near Gerard can be torture sometimes, being without him is even worse. I guess you could say that I'd rather be miserable with him than miserable without.
Being near him is frustrating because I have to use so much self control. I know that if I don't then I will end up either coming on to him, or breaking down around him. I don't want that, and neither does he, so I end up exhausting myself trying to refrain.
But at least he distracts me from myself. When I'm without him, self-loathing seeps through my skin. I just keep thinking of everything he said to me. Over analyzing everything to come to the conclusion that he hates me. I'm paranoid, I know. But I can't get myself to calm my thoughts.
I hold my breath and focus my ears on the bunk above me. I can hear him breathing. The slow, even sound of slumber seeps through me. It's very calming. I focus on him. I imagine what he looks like right now. I'm almost tempted to get out of my bunk and look at him. I can imagine his pale chest rising and falling. He always sleeps with his mouth slightly open.
It's at this time I begin to feel like a stalker and immediately draw my attention somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel guilty. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My fingers subconsciously run across my scars out of habit as a sense of desperation begins to settle in. This is probably one of the loneliest nights I've had. There really isn't any reason why I'm feeling like this, he's caused me to bleed before now. It's not like it's some huge thing.
I'm trying very hard not to think about him, but no matter how many pillows I place over my ears, I can still hear him breathing. The sound is so seductive, and tonight is a night that I just can't get enough of it. I feel less guilty now because I know that these nights are the only times I can concentrate on the sound without him suspecting anything. I imagine myself resting my head on his chest under the stars, listening to the steady sounds of his breathing combined with his heartbeat. In my mind, I tell him that I love him and he smiles back and tells me that he loves me too.
All of the sudden, a sharp flame of anguish rips through me as I know that I will never be able to live out that scenario. I scold myself for even thinking such things.
So much for feeling numb. Usually I won't get upset so quickly after letting my emotions all pour out of my veins. This is only getting worse. I don't know what's wrong with myself. I just can't control it anymore. I start to break inside and I get up out of my bed, heading to the bathroom to find my blade again when a small whisper startles me.
"Frankie...what are you doing up?" I hear Gerard whisper to me. I sigh quietly and turn around, tip-toeing my way back to his bunk. I inconspicuously dry my face and eyes with my sleeves before I get there.
"Nothing, Gee. Go back to sleep." I tell him in a gentle, caring whisper. I don't want to let him know that anything is wrong with me, so I try to talk to him as gently as I can.
He takes my hand that's resting on the side of his bunk and puts it to his face. I can tell he's still half asleep because he always gets very affectionate when he's exhausted.
"Mmm...stay with me Frankie, I can't sleep." I really don't' know what to do now. The urge to hurt is so strong at the moment that I can almost sense each blood cell pounding in my veins, screaming at me to set them free.
On the other hand, I can't say no to Gerard. I just want him to be happy and I will do anything to ensure that. Even if he's half asleep and won't remember anything in the morning.
"What do you want me to do, Gee?" I ask him, not really knowing what he wants.
"Just stay here. Talk to me. I'll move over, just stay here."
This isn't anything new. It happens sometimes when he's stressed and he can't sleep. He gets nightmares and I talk him through it.
"OK, Gerard," I whisper, "move over a bit."
He scoots over and I climb into his bunk, whispering nonsense and things until he falls asleep. As soon as he does, I gently climb out of his bunk, breathing in his scent one last time before I leave him. Even though it meant nothing, and he surely won't remember anything tomorrow, It felt good.
That night was the first night that I resisted cutting when I had the urge.
Being near him is frustrating because I have to use so much self control. I know that if I don't then I will end up either coming on to him, or breaking down around him. I don't want that, and neither does he, so I end up exhausting myself trying to refrain.
But at least he distracts me from myself. When I'm without him, self-loathing seeps through my skin. I just keep thinking of everything he said to me. Over analyzing everything to come to the conclusion that he hates me. I'm paranoid, I know. But I can't get myself to calm my thoughts.
I hold my breath and focus my ears on the bunk above me. I can hear him breathing. The slow, even sound of slumber seeps through me. It's very calming. I focus on him. I imagine what he looks like right now. I'm almost tempted to get out of my bunk and look at him. I can imagine his pale chest rising and falling. He always sleeps with his mouth slightly open.
It's at this time I begin to feel like a stalker and immediately draw my attention somewhere else. Anywhere else. I feel guilty. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My fingers subconsciously run across my scars out of habit as a sense of desperation begins to settle in. This is probably one of the loneliest nights I've had. There really isn't any reason why I'm feeling like this, he's caused me to bleed before now. It's not like it's some huge thing.
I'm trying very hard not to think about him, but no matter how many pillows I place over my ears, I can still hear him breathing. The sound is so seductive, and tonight is a night that I just can't get enough of it. I feel less guilty now because I know that these nights are the only times I can concentrate on the sound without him suspecting anything. I imagine myself resting my head on his chest under the stars, listening to the steady sounds of his breathing combined with his heartbeat. In my mind, I tell him that I love him and he smiles back and tells me that he loves me too.
All of the sudden, a sharp flame of anguish rips through me as I know that I will never be able to live out that scenario. I scold myself for even thinking such things.
So much for feeling numb. Usually I won't get upset so quickly after letting my emotions all pour out of my veins. This is only getting worse. I don't know what's wrong with myself. I just can't control it anymore. I start to break inside and I get up out of my bed, heading to the bathroom to find my blade again when a small whisper startles me.
"Frankie...what are you doing up?" I hear Gerard whisper to me. I sigh quietly and turn around, tip-toeing my way back to his bunk. I inconspicuously dry my face and eyes with my sleeves before I get there.
"Nothing, Gee. Go back to sleep." I tell him in a gentle, caring whisper. I don't want to let him know that anything is wrong with me, so I try to talk to him as gently as I can.
He takes my hand that's resting on the side of his bunk and puts it to his face. I can tell he's still half asleep because he always gets very affectionate when he's exhausted.
"Mmm...stay with me Frankie, I can't sleep." I really don't' know what to do now. The urge to hurt is so strong at the moment that I can almost sense each blood cell pounding in my veins, screaming at me to set them free.
On the other hand, I can't say no to Gerard. I just want him to be happy and I will do anything to ensure that. Even if he's half asleep and won't remember anything in the morning.
"What do you want me to do, Gee?" I ask him, not really knowing what he wants.
"Just stay here. Talk to me. I'll move over, just stay here."
This isn't anything new. It happens sometimes when he's stressed and he can't sleep. He gets nightmares and I talk him through it.
"OK, Gerard," I whisper, "move over a bit."
He scoots over and I climb into his bunk, whispering nonsense and things until he falls asleep. As soon as he does, I gently climb out of his bunk, breathing in his scent one last time before I leave him. Even though it meant nothing, and he surely won't remember anything tomorrow, It felt good.
That night was the first night that I resisted cutting when I had the urge.
♠ ♠ ♠
A/N: Alright, this one was kind of hard to write because of all the inner turmoil going on in Frank's head, but at the same time, it was fun.Comments are lovely.
I've written a few chapters ahead, but that's all for tonight. I'll post the rest soon but I would like to get a few comments and constructive criticism so I can improve what I've written a bit before I go ahead and post it.
And I encourage you all to listen to the song "Say Anything" by Marianas Trench. It's the song that inspired me to write this story, and it's a very good song.