This Is Where I Scream From

The next morning I'm exhausted. I didn't get any sleep last night, and I feel like crap physically, but I'm proud of the fact that I resister hurting myself last nigh.

I just want to sleep all day until we get to the venue for the sound check at 3. I feel like I could sleep for decades.

"Frank, get your lazy ass up!" Gerard chorused in a sing-song yell. His voice cuts through my sleepy haze like a knife.

"Lay off, Gerard. I don't feel good." He immediately calms down. something I wasn't expecting.

"Are you alright, Frankie?" he asked in a concerned voice. He came up to my bunk and leaned in, feeling my forehead.

"I'm not sick, Gee. I'm just tired." I said. He got a guilty look on his faice.

"I'm sorry. I kept you up last night. You just get some sleep" he said, stroking my hair. It felt really good.

"mmm...that feels good. Keep doing it." He chuckled slightly, but he stayed with me. I was in heaven. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, I closed my eyes.

"Sleep, Frankie... we have a show tonight and you need your energy."

I smiled and let out a quiet sigh of content.

"Thanks, Gee." He just smiled and ran his fingers through my hair as I fell asleep. My last thought being how weird it was that Gerard actually remembered me comforting him last night.

***

"Wake up, Frankie." I heard him whisper. "It's time to do a sound check. We're at the venue."

I get up and we head to the venue to do the check. We run through a few songs and everything's working. I feel absolutely awesome. It's been a very good day so far and I'm starting to feel like I can handle waking up in the morning and living. What's more is Gerard is in a good mood and he's acting nice to me, surprisingly.

We get back on the bus and I head to the back where we have built a little recording studio. I don't really want to record at all but I need to get away from everything and just rethink things. I'm starting to have a positive outlook and I want to try to keep it that way at least.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Gerard walked through the door.

"Hey Frank, what's up?" He asks.

"Nothing. Dude that sound check went so good. I have a feeling that we're gonna rock the show tonight."

"Yeah, dude. I'm excited." He smiled. We just sit and talk for a while. It feels good to just talk to him. I missed our normal conversations. He's always too busy or too frustrated nowadays.

"Frankie... are you feeling alright?" He suddenly asks.

"Yeah Gee, I was just tired this morning, not really sick." I answered, trying to brush what he said off, but I had a feeling he was talking about something more.

"Um...Frank, I wasn't talking about that. You've seemed down lately. Not today so much, but you've seemed distant and don't pretend you weren't crying last night. I heard you." He looked at me with a concerned face.

What was I supposed to say? I couldn't pretend that everything was fine, but what was I supposed to tell him? How can you tell someone you love who is asking you what is wrong, that they are, in fact, the problem? You can't. And what did he mean about me being distant? He's the one who is always closed off and won't open up to me.

"Nothing Gee, I just had a bad day." I mumbled.

"Frank...it wasn't me was it?" he asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"NO!" I said a little too quickly. "Erm...I mean no, Gee. You did yell at me a bit but it wasn't anything to be upset about.:

He relaxed a little. "Good, because I'd hate myself if I was the one making you upset.:

I held in a bitter laugh from escaping. How ironic that he would hate himself when he's the one making me hate myself.

We talked more a bit, but I wasn't as responsive as I was before. I had more on my mind now. I had no idea I was so easy to read. He knew something as up, so I would have to be more careful of how I was acting around him.

After a while, We had to go get ready for the show. I put on my black skinny jeans and a misfit's tee. Gerard wore black skinny jeans as well, but he wore a white tee and his infamous jean jacket. He looked gorgeous tonight. I laughed inwardly as I remembered him calling himself a "jacket slut."

We all met up backstage and did our pre-show rituals, which included jumping jacks and push ups. We all gave each other high-fives and then there was that moment of pure adrenaline pumping through my body as I was about to step out on stage. The fans were screaming. This is what I lived for. This is what I know I should be doing for all my life. It's a better release than cutting, even.

We step out on stage and the fans go crazy, I position my pick for the first song as Gerard is screaming to the fans about how much we love them. They're screaming back the same thing. I smile. Everyone wants a piece of Gerard. Why wouldn't they? I'm glad that he's getting the recognition he deserves.

The first song starts and I immediately lose myself in the music. I start jumping around and going crazy. The song is pumping through me like an IV and I love every minute of it. I can barely tell when one songs melts into the next. I just play.

We're about halfway through the show and I'm so gone in the music that I barely register Gerard sauntering his way over to me. I do notice him though, when he stands behind me and wraps an arm over my shoulder and slides his hand down my shirt, resting it on my chest. I automatically lean my head back on to his shoulder and he kisses me on the cheek. I'm in heaven, and I almost forget what I'm playing, but I manage to keep my cool. I just soak in all of Gerard's presence. It's one of those moments where I'm actually comfortable being in close proximity to him. Then he's gone, strutting his way across the stage.

We finish the show and head out to the buses. There are a few fans out there wanting autographs and pictures, and I happily oblige, because the fans mean the world to me.
I step on the bus afterward and head back to my bunk for a well-deserved deep sleep. I'm happy now, and I hope that it lasts, because I haven't been genuinely happy for a very long time.