This Is Where I Scream From

"Hey babe, What's up?" he asks. There was a pause while whoever was on the line was talking.

"Not much, just talking to Frank...yeah you can meet them all...yep...that's a great idea. I can't wait...talk to you later hun, bye."

He blushed as he hung up.

"Erm...that was my friend Eliza. She's really cool."

I finish my cigarette and let out a small "oh." I didn't even ask why he called her 'babe' and 'hun.' I didn't need to. The glowing smile on his face told me everything I needed to know.

I turned away from him without saying another word, and climbed back onto the bus. I walked down the hall, managing to not collapse in front of everyone. I was headed to the bathroom, knowing I was about to shatter in 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1.

I closed the door and locked it. It was small, because it was only a bus bathroom, but there was enough room to curl up on the floor and try to not let my anguished sobs get too loud, which is exactly what I did.

It felt like my heart was being thrown into a wood chipper, run over my a steamroller stabbed by a thousand knives, and turning into shards of ice all at once. I was being swallowed up into a black hole and I just wanted to die. I was in convulsing gobs that soon turned into hysterics and all I could do was just lie there, a broken mess. Tears streaming down my face, and all the while, trying to stay silent so that nobody could hear what was going on.

I felt so completely shattered. I reached my arm up and pulled out the drawer where my blade was hidden. I was shaking as I brought it to my arm. I sat up and sliced through my skin again and again and again.

Sixteen times the razor caused my blood to come flowing out. All over my arms, legs, stomach. It flowed down to the bathroom floor, soaking me in it. I've never cut this deep, or this many times in one sitting.

I was losing a lot of blood. I panicked and tried to stop the flow with a bunch of toilet paper, but there wasn't that much in the tiny bathroom. It was kind of working but I felt really dizzy and had to lay down.

I was afraid that I went too far. There was blood everywhere. I was shaking, and I thought I was going to die. I felt a tingly feeling in my toes and the ends of my fingers. Thoughts of my life were running through my head. I haven't accomplished so many things that I wanted to do.

I was panicking, but I stayed silent. Maybe I would be better off dead?

There was blood everywhere and I was extremely light headed, but eventually I stopped bleeding. By that time my desperate sobs slowed to a broken flow of tears. I couldn't think of anything but how much I was hurting. Both emotionally and physically. I was so tired and drained that I passed out there, on the floor of the tiny bathroom, still covered in blood and tears.

***

I woke up a few hours later, and was a bit disoriented. My lips were crusted together and chapped, covered in dried blood. I could taste stale cigarettes in my mouth.

I tried to figure out what woke me, when I realized that the bus wasn't running. We must have stopped at a gas station or something. I could hear someone gently knocking on the door.

"Frank...Frank are you in there?" I heard Mikey ask.

Oh shit. They can't come in here. Even worse, I can't go out there. They can't see me like this. I wondered if I can trust Mikey to do me a favor.

"Mikey, I'm fine. Can you do something for me?" I ask through the door.

"Yeah, sure. What is it?"

"Mikey, you have to get everyone out of here. Get them off the bus, and call me when you do. I'll explain later, but you have to distract them. Please Mikey!" I begged.

"Alright, but you owe me an explanation." he sounded kind of angry. I waited, panicked and still light headed, until Mikey called me. I had no idea what he told everyone to get them out.

My phone rang and I answered it. I was greeted by Mikey's hushed voice.

"Alright, they're all buying coffee, you have about 5 minutes so hurry up." He then hung up without waiting for my reply.

I dashed out of the bathroom to change my clothes first. Then I cleaned up all the blood from my face and skin. I locked the door so I could clean up the bathroom and I was almost done with it when they came back.

I finished cleaning it up and went out to everyone.

"Dude, you look like crap." Ray told me.

Mikey came up and pushed me into the back room.