This Is Where I Scream From

He dragged me into the back room and sat me down. "What did I just distract everyone for?" he asked me in a serious tone.

"I...I know I promised to tell you but..." I started.

"NO! Frank what has been going on with you?!" he demanded.

"Mikey, I..." I tried to speak but nothing came out. Mikey sat down and tried to switch tactics. He calmed down and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Frank...whatever it is, you can tell me."

I stayed quiet for a while. I didn't know if I could tell him. I know if I did, then he would probably lecture me. I doubt if I would even feel any better if I told him. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?

"Mikey...I, I just got sick all over myself and didn't want anyone to worry." I tried to cover up with a lame story.

"Bull fucking shit. What is going on?" At this point, I started to break down in tears.

"I can't tell you! I wish I could but I just can't!"

"Frank...something is happening to you and it's literally destroying you inside. I can see it. We all can. You've changed lately and I just want to know so I can help. You don't even have to tell the whole band, just tell someone or else you're gonna hit rock bottom, man!'

I looked at him and his face was concerned and stubborn. Only the Way brothers can pull that look off. Then I looked down at my shoes. I stayed silent for a long time, trying to slow my breathing down.

"Frank..." he whispered. I nodded.

"Mikey, it's not..." I started in a small voice. I didn't even know where to begin. "It's not that easy. I can't tell you everything, or why it's happening, but...you can't...you have to promise. Promise Mikey that you won't tell anyone. Not even your brother...especially not him." I doubt that even made sense but he seemed to get it.

"I promise. Just tell me. I'm really worried about you."

I didn't say anything for another couple of minutes. Occasionally I would open my mouth and try to speak, but I couldn't get anything out. Eventually, I just took a deep breath and spoke.

"Mikey, I did a very bad thing... or at least I think it's bad, that's what everybody says, but...I"m not going to lie. I'm not going to say I didn't want it, or that it doesn't help, because it does. And I know you can lecture me about it and everything...but it won't make me stop, so I"d prefer if you didn't."

He began to develop a very serious and worried look on his face. "Frank...what...?" He didn't finish his sentence.

"But remember, you promised not to tell this to any living soul. You're going to want to but you can't. No matter what, so I'd prefer it if you don't ask and just drop it, because you're not going to like it." I was secretly hoping that he would just turn away and say that he doesn't want to know anymore, because truthfully, I don't want to tell anyone.

He just gulped and nodded. "Frank...I promise. Just talk to me, because I'm worried about you."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and pulled up my sleeve, revealing my arm which was still bloody and just starting to scab over.

I looked up at Mikey and his face paled. He stayed silent but I could tell that he was near tears.

He just lifted his hand to my arm and lightly ran his fingers down it, barely touching my skin.

"Frank...why?" he whispered.

"I can't really tell you why. Just...there's been so much shit going on and I just can't deal with it sometimes!" I choked out, starting to cry again. God I'm such a chick.

"But Frank...you... you can't!" He squeaked the last two words. He had tears beginning to stream down his face now.

"I can...and I do. It's something I do to keep a grip on life. I know that sounds backwards, but sometimes I feel like I'm not even alive until I can actually feel something physical. It's something real, and the feeling let's me know I'm still here. That I'm still real. It's something that helps me." I told him seriously.

"It's not helping you!" He almost pleaded. "It's only hurting you...and...and those around you." he finished in almost a whisper.

"It does help. It's a release. A relief. You don't understand, and it wouldn't hurt anyone around me if they don't know!" I said desperately.

He just kept silent. So did I. We stayed like that, each lost in our own thoughts. I pulled my sleeve back down to cover my arm.

"Are there any more cuts?" he asked after a while.

I thought for a moment on whether or not to tell him about the ones on my legs and stomach.

"No."

I hated lying to him, but he was already so upset, I didn't want to push it. I couldn't tell if he actually believed me or not.

"Look, Frank. I won't lecture you or judge you. All I ask is that you tell me when you do it. Maybe if you get the urge to do it, tell me beforehand and I can help you. I promise I won't judge you if you do."

"Alright Mikey."