Baby I've Got My Eye On You

I used to think that my life was miserable. Now I know how wrong I was.

It may sound cliché, but I really feel like the past several months have really made me...grow up; looking back on how pathetic I’d act in the past over my parents arguing seemed ridiculous...that’s something everyone has to deal with. I couldn’t decide whether life was simpler then or now: back then, my parents were at least pretending to be happily married, Beth was here and filled he house with her and Tommy’s loved-up laughter, I had few friends I cared for but I really didn’t mind. Now half my family is estranged and I had lost all connection with some of the greatest people I’d ever encountered. Without Brian, I truly understood what is was to be sad. But, I had no one left to consider but myself, decisions were easier to make than ever before...

What should I eat for breakfast?
Is it even the morning? Can you even remember when you last ate?

Dad was back to his former jolly self I knew when I was young and it was all thanks to Maggie. I was so happy for him; I only wished I could ever feel that good again. It was almost Christmas I think. Dad’s deep humming of carols and the fresh December page on the kitchen calendar alone revealed to me the time of year. I didn’t even care. Days didn’t matter. What clothes I wore didn’t matter. What I ate didn’t matter. How I wore my hair didn’t matter. Even when I tried by best, I was never good enough for Brian...now that that was clear, there seemed no reason to even try. There seemed no reason to breathe in and out to be quite honest.

Should I watch reruns of ‘friends’ or put on a DVD?
Do you really think you’ll get enjoyment out of either? You may as well watch a blank screen...

Sometimes I’d fight with myself. One part of me would blame Brian and hate him passionately. The next would blame the girl he slept with. But it would always conclude with both sides agreeing, that I must have done something wrong... I wasn’t enough.
Dad addressed me seriously one day: “Rosie, what are you going to do? Are you going to love in your pyjamas the rest of your life?”
I wanted to say no, I wanted to say something witty about living at the bottom of a bottle instead. But I couldn’t be bitter towards him...he was all I had left. And I knew he was right! I couldn’t go one living like this, watching as my phone rang time after time onto answer phone as his beautiful 5 letter name flashed on the screen. It’s my turn to ignore you, Brian! It’s my turn to hurt you back!...I’d secretly give anything to have the courage to have picked up that phone and talked things over. But eventually he stopped calling, and I stopped kidding myself.

Tequila or more Johnny Walker from the kitchen cupboard?
You’ll end up fucked whatever you drink.

...And then, when I thought all was lost, Maggie made a decision for me.
It was out of the blue. She was waiting for Dad to come back from the supermarket so she could finish making Lasagne for the two of them. I’d politely refuse to eat with them...’three’s a crowd’ and all that...

And wouldn’t you know...

“Rosie, dear...I’ve been offered...well, I’ve been offered a new job.”
“That’s great, Maggie,” despite it all, I can still fake enthusiasm. I was turning into a nasty piece of work. “Where is it?”
“Edinburgh”
“What!? That’s...Scotland... Maggie are you gonna take it?”
“Yes. I mean...it’s a great job and I’ll be near my family.”
“Oh my...Dad will be heartbrok-”
“He’s coming with me Rosie...and we want you to come too...”

Should I leave the country and start a new life?
Why the fucking hell not?