Just to Hold You Close and Tight

I had to keep my flashlight off and walk by streetlight until we were on the path in the forest.

This time, we followed the path farther than we had before. Then Ray turned off and led me to a clearing. I followed him to the center, and we laid out our sleeping bags.

“Turn off your flashlight,” he instructed, as we both got into the sleeping bags, laying flat on our backs.

I switched it off, and after a few seconds, my eyes adjusted to the darkness. It was a new moon, so only the stars were giving off light.

I could see more of them than ever before. I gasped, and my reaction made Ray smile.

“It’s beautiful,” I said.

Looking at the innumerable stars, I couldn’t help but think there was something else out there. A higher power. “I can see how this makes you think,” I said breathlessly.

He didn’t answer, and we were quiet for maybe about an hour. During this time, I realized how dull my life would have been without Ray. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t want to break the long silence by saying something stupid. I thought carefully about how to formulate my thoughts into the perfect words.

Finally, I shattered the silence by saying, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Ray tore his gaze from the sky and looked at me with a tortured expression. This was the part of him that he always tried to hide, the open part of him. “I know,” he replied. “Last night, I realized that that is why I am still here.”

I was puzzled, and I was also torn apart by his expression. “I don’t understand.”

He sat up, and his eyes bore into mine. “You are my unfinished business,” he said shortly, and then returned to looking at the stars.

This really caught me off guard. How could I be his unfinished business? “How?” I asked. “I didn’t even know you before you died.”

“You would have met me,” he mumbled. “If it weren’t for me being stupid and getting myself killed, you would have moved into some other house, and we would have met eventually.”

“No!” I said defiantly. I could not accept it. “It’s not my fault you’re still here!” I was feeling guilty. What if I was the reason he wasn’t in heaven?

“Oh, no, it’s not your fault,” he assured me quickly. “I’m the one who got myself killed. But if I hadn’t, I would have met you, and if I had gone to heaven, you would be alone. So I’m torn between two. I’m dead, but I have to stay with you.”

I shook my head. “No, you don’t. I don’t…” I trailed off. I knew I was going to have to lie. “I don’t need you. I don’t want you to keep me from being alone. I’ll be fine on my own.”

He sighed. “I wish it were that simple, but it’s not. I need you too. And besides, a few minutes ago, you said you didn’t know what you’d do without me.”

“Why do you need me?” I asked, completely surprised.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you either.”

I glared at him angrily. “I know what you’d do without me. You’d be in heaven!”

“Maybe I would, but I’d still be without you,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“So how does it work, then?” I asked. “You’re destined to be a ghost for the rest of my life? Would I always be alone without you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It was just a guess, but it makes sense, doesn’t it?”

I had to admit, “It makes perfect sense.”

Our conversation ended there. I wanted to deny it, but I thought he was right. I had to be his unfinished business, but what did that mean? I would never have anyone but him? Did it mean that if he was alive, he was meant to be more than my friend?

I yawned and my eyes suddenly felt heavy, but I forced myself to stay awake and keep thinking. Was I never going to find anyone else? Was I always going to look alone to everyone, when all I really had was a ghost?

My thoughts turned into fragments, and then to jumbled words. At last, I slipped into sleep under the stars.