Just to Hold You Close and Tight

I was brought back to consciousness by my sleeping bag being jostled. When I opened my eyes, Ray’s face was inched from mine. I jumped back in surprise.

“Oops, sorry. I scared you, didn’t I?” he asked.

“No, you just surprised me,” I said, smiling. It was still dark. “What time is it?”

“Almost four. You only got three hours of sleep. I, uh, would have woken you up more gently, but I can’t touch you, so…” he said. Then he grinned. “It was between shaking your sleeping bag, jabbing you with a stick, or throwing a rock at you.”

I grimaced. “Thanks for choosing the first one.”

“Any time,” he replied. “Come one, get up. We have to walk back before people start waking up. What would they think if they saw you walking home? With two sleeping bags?”

I realized it would have looked very bad, so I got up and started rolling mine up. “Thanks for showing me where you go at night,” I said as I got my stuff together and flung my backpack over my shoulder.

Ray smiled and said, “No problem. I’m glad you liked it.”

We walked back to my house quietly. Ray made sure my parents were still sleeping, leaving me on the porch for a few seconds.

“All clear!” he called from in the house, making me jump.

I rolled my eyes and mumbled, “He could have come out and told me politely, like a gentleman.” I tiptoed up to my room, stifling a laugh when I realized a ‘gentleman’ would not be checking to see if my parents were awake at four in the morning, after helping me sneak out of the house.

When Ray saw the look on my face, he asked, “What’s so funny?”

I just shook my head, setting my backpack down on my floor. “Alright. You get some sleep,” he said, and started to walk away.

“No,” I whispered. “You don’t have to leave. I’ll only be sleeping for a few hours. Didn’t you stay when I was sleeping before?”

“Yes,” he said sourly, “and I felt like a stalker again, watching you sleep. So I’ll be leaving now…”

“It’s not creepy if I know you’re here,” I hissed. “And besides, aren’t you supposed to be keeping me from being alone?”

“If I were alive,” he replied, “I would not be staying with you while you sleep.” He sounded like he was starting to consider it though, so I pushed further.

“If you were alive, you wouldn’t be taking me to feed wild animals, and you probably wouldn’t be smuggling me out of my house in the middle of the night either.”

He smiled slightly. “Probably not,” he allowed.

“And,” I continued, “Maybe if you do your job well enough, you can leave and go to heaven.”

This made Ray frown. “I hope not.” Then he looked hurt. “Do you want me to leave? To go to heaven?”

“If I wanted you to leave, I wouldn’t be asking you to stay the night,” I said softly, trying to repair his broken expression. “But I do want you to go to heaven. It’s not fair that you have to stay here because of me.”

Ray shook his head. “Don’t you get it? There would be no point in going to heaven without you. Then we would both be alone for however long your lifetime is.”

I snorted. “Does that mean you’ll stay?”

“Fine, whatever makes you happy,” he said, rolling his eyes.

I nodded. “Good. See you in the morning.” I climbed into bed.

“Goodnight,” he said, reaching out to me. He dropped his hand quickly, looking pained. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

I looked at him sadly, reaching towards him with one hand. “Goodnight. I wish-”

“Don’t,” he interrupted firmly.

Despite this, I fell asleep wishing that I could just have touched his hand.