Just to Hold You Close and Tight

When I finished with the breakfast my mom brought me, she apologized and said she had to go to work.

“That’s okay,” I said, “I don’t expect you to stay.”

This made her unhappy, and she said, “I’ll be back at around three. Is there anything you want me to bring you?”

“My ipod,” I replied automatically. Then I added, “Please.”

She smiled. “You got it,” she said, and left.

Ray watched tv with me for most of the morning. The only exception was when I had to go to the bathroom.

I frowned when I realized it. I wasn’t looking forward to getting up.

“What’s wrong?” Ray asked when he saw my sudden unease. He was sitting next to me, out sides touching.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” I replied, turning slightly red.

He laughed. “That’s normal. Why is it a bad thing?”

“I have to get up,” I groaned. Slowly, I shifted so that my legs were dangling off the side of the bed. When I stood up, my back protested, but I ignored it. My ribs sent a pang through my body, but once I was standing, it wasn’t that bad.

Ray was looking at me, analyzing my expression. Trying to see if how much pain I was in, I realized. When I smiled at him reassuringly, he smiled tightly back.

I tried not to wince when I took my first step. I must have succeeded, because he did not get up or even frown. When I was finished, he was waiting for me.

At around noon, a nurse came in to check on me. Ray had to scramble off the bed quickly. She asked me if I needed anything, and I asked for some lunch.

She was very nice, and she smiled a lot. However crazy it sounds, she made me feel uneasy.

By the time my mom returned with my ipod, I was bored out of my mind. I thanked her quickly before snatching it out of her hands. After she brought me dinner, I told her to go home, assuring her I would be fine.

She left, and Ray hopped back onto the bed. I stuck one ear bud unto my ear and offered him the other. He smiled and took it.

I closed my eyes and lost myself in my music. It was something I did time and time again, whenever I was stressed, sad, angry, or lonely. I put this time under the stressed category; I was about to explode because of lack of things to do.

My silence was disturbed by Ray’s voice, but I didn’t mind that much. Actually, I didn’t mind at all.

“Did I really bore you that much?” he asked, looking over at me.

I frowned. “No, of course not. You kept me from dying of boredom.”

“Did I really?” He grinned.

“Yes,” I replied, and closed my eyes again. He took this as his cue to let me rest. I felt bad for shutting him out, but I felt something I never had before: the need to be alone.

Stupid. I was stupid. I was always alone, and then as soon as I wasn’t, I almost missed it. No, I thought, contradicting myself. I don’t need to be alone, I’m just used to it. I was aware of Ray’s hand on mine. This assured me even more that I didn’t need to be alone, I just wasn’t used to always having someone.

I liked his hand on mine – even through the sheet. I didn’t want him to leave. I just wanted to let the music engulf me… and I fell asleep, reassured that I didn’t have to be alone anymore.