Just to Hold You Close and Tight

When we got back to my house, it was only eight.

“You’re home early,” my mom pointed out. I was just about to make a smart remark about her stating the obvious when she continued, “How was your date?”

Now instead of being sarcastic, I was angry. Trying to control my outbreak of emotion, I clenched one fist. Attempting to speak calmly, I said, “I already told you, it wasn’t a date. I was just going out to dinner with a new friend of mine. Okay?”

She looked at me blankly for a second, and blinked. “Oh. Sorry,” she said, backing off.

I sighed, knowing I had hurt her feelings. I went to my room without another word.

I sent my friends a quick email, telling them about Ray’s friend Ben. After hitting sent, I spun my chair around to face Ray.

“Do you think he liked me?” I asked.

He was taken off guard. “Of course he did.” Then he laughed. “Trust me. You’d be able to tell if he didn’t like you.”

I smiled. “I believe you.”

I took a shower, did some homework and climbed into bed at nine. I figured I could get a few hours of sleep before I snuck out.

I slept how I normally did: under a sheet with Ray’s arms around me, cradled in his chest. He woke me by stroking my side and whispering my name into my ear.

I got up, smiled, and pulled the sheet off my bed. Handing it to him, I whispered, “One sleeping bag, one sheet.”

“If you want,” he said, shrugging, but he looked as if he was much more pleased with my decision than he would admit.

It was a little colder out. Summer was coming to a close. I pulled on my hoodie and held the sleeping bag closer to me. I realized that soon it would be too cold to sneak out.

When we got to ourplace, I spread out the only sleeping bag. Then I wrapped the sheet around me and climbed into it. Ray followed. The sleeping bag was pretty big, so we weren’t squished, but we were comfortably close. I wasn’t cold at all.

Ray had the arm closest to me around my shoulder, acting as my pillow. I was quiet for a long time. I was trying to think of the perfect thing to say… and I found it. “Ray,” I whispered. “Do you know that I would do anything just to hold you close and tight?”

He took time to think of a good answer. Finally, he said, “I know. I would to anything to be alive again.”

I laughed. “Isn’t it funny that even after people get what they need, they still want what they can’t have?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean that even after I got what I needed – you to keep me from being alone – I still want what I can’t have.”

He sighed. “You’re so right. Even after I got what I needed – to stay on earth – I still want what I can’t have. I guess that’s how it always is, though.”

I sighed too. What I wanted right then was to kiss him. I wanted it more than I had wanted to kiss anyone before. I wondered if it was simply because I loved him more than I had loved anyone before, or if it was because it was totally and completely impossible. Then I realized the answer didn’t matter. It didn’t change how I felt.