Just to Hold You Close and Tight

“What are you saying, Ben?” Ray exclaimed angrily. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking.

Ben sighed. “Don’t be difficult. I’m supposed to move on, and you’re supposed to take my body. Is it that hard to understand?”

I took in a sharp breath. I started to put it all together in my head. Ben, my new friend, was dead. As soon as he told us everything we needed to know, he was going to go to heaven… and I wouldn’t see him again in another day of my life. Both Ben and Ray turned to me when they heard my gasp and watched my face. It only took a moment for me to realize that I was losing Ben, and a tear slipped form my eye.

Then something even bigger dawned on me. Ray, alive, with a heartbeat… Ben’s heart. Ray, with his careful personality, looking like Ben, in his carefree body. Not that Ben didn’t look good, but he wasn’t Ray. Then again, even if Ray didn’t look like Ray, he still would be. I felt a trill of excitement that was instantly replaced with shameful guilt. I couldn’t be happy about Ray having a body, because it meant Ben had to leave, but… My confused feelings of sadness, happiness, and guilt produced a large amount of tears.

All this took a few seconds. Almost before my tears fell, Ray had me in a hug. He tried to murmur comforting words to me even though he had no idea what was going through my mind. “Why are you crying?” he finally asked.

I shook my head.

He frowned. “Come on. You can tell us.”

“No,” I sobbed, “I really don’t think I can. I’m not sure myself.”

Ray rubbed my back, and Ben looked away. He probably felt like he was intruding. “Try to explain,” Ray said.

I only managed to choke out fragments of sentences. “Ben’s dead… You in Ben’s body…Why am I… I shouldn’t be even the least bit happy, but…”

Ben cut in. “Really? You’re upset that I’m dead?” He sounded almost pleased; it sickened me. “I didn’t know you liked me that much. But still, I can’t blame you for being a little happy that Ray will have a body.”

I avoided his eyes. “It’s wrong,” I stated.

“Hold on a second!” Ray exclaimed. “Don’t I have a say in this? Ben, I can’t take your body away from you. That’s just horrible.”

Ben sighed. “You can’t think of it like that. If you don’t take my body, I’ll still be dead. Don’t you see? It would be a waste of life.”

This made me feel a little better. It had an even more positive effect on Ray. He straightened up a little. “If that’s the way it is,” he said slowly, “I will not waste life. I, of all people, should know better.” His voice was full of guilt, though. He added quietly, “How do I do it, then?”

Ben came to sit on the ground in front of us. “They told me it was simple, really.” Again with the “they” business. I would have felt annoyed, except that I wasn’t following their conversation very closely. I was still battling with myself.

“You pretty much just have to be touching my body, and it will take you in,” Ben said. “It should come out of the coma. You should come out of the coma. Then my body will be yours.”

Ray raised his eyebrows skeptically. “It can’t really be that simple.” He saw Ben’s guilty reaction of looking away. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“You sort of right. That part is that simple, but there’s more,” Ben said, and then paused. Why? Probably for effect. He sometimes had a cruel sense of humor. “Slowly, my body will start to correct itself. It will change gradually, but eventually it will look just like yours did. It will be your body, truly.”

After hearing this, I perked up a little. No matter how guilty I felt, this was starting to sound like a good deal. I smiled tentatively at Ray.

He wiped away the last of my tears, but he wasn’t smiling. He was scowling. “That’s bad,” he said. “That’s very bad.”

“Why?” I asked. It sounded very good to me.

He shook his head. “After some time, I won’t be able to pass as Ben anymore. I can’t walk around town looking like me.”

Ben shook his head solemnly.