Just to Hold You Close and Tight

I almost wish I hadn’t gone in. When I saw Ray, Ben’s body looked horrible. A leg and an arm on the same side were casted. He had bandages everywhere: on his bare arm and leg, his neck, his face, the back of his head, and his hands.

I had to bight my lip to keep from whimpering. Sure, it was bad to see Ben’s body so broken, but it was worse to know that Ray was trapped inside. I knew he could feel all the pain.

He noticed I had come in. The grim smile he gave me did not fit on Ben’s face. Ben was always happy. If I had had any doubt that it was Ray, they would have been eliminated by his expression.

“Amber,” he said quietly.

I strode across the room to sit in a chair next to him. I was grateful that Ben’s mom had been kind enough not to follow me into the room. We were alone.

I examined him closely. His somber face was shadowed with pain. I said, “How badly does it hurt?”

Ray smiled, bringing a little light to Ben’s face. “Not nearly as bad now that you’re here.”

This bothered me for two reasons. First, he had evaded my question. Second, I was going to have to leave eventually.

I frowned at him. “This isn’t like when I was in the hospital. It’ll be longer, and I won’t be able to stay forever.”

His smile faded. I didn’t like that. “I know,” he said.

I wanted to make him smile again, so I asked, “How does it feel? Being alive, I mean.”

It worked. He was grinning, stretching some of the bandages on his face. “It feels wonderful. The heartbeat, the warmth, and – even with the pain – the breathing is nice.”

Looking down at his hand, he continued, “And the sense of touch! All I could feel as a ghost was hard or soft. Now it’s hard, soft, smooth, rough, bumpy, silky, warm, cold… so many different things.” His eyes moved back to my face.

It was all very confusing. I saw Ben’s face, but Ray’s expressions. I heard Ben’s voice, but Ray’s words. I knew this was the time to reach out and grab his hand, so I did.

I will never forget the first time we touched. It was different than I expected. I thought it would be awkward, because it was in the shape of Ben’s hand, but it belonged to Ray. It was Ray’s skin, his warmth, his touch. After all the longing, the craving, the needing for his touch. I finally had it in my grasp, literally.

Ray sighed in content. Then he frowned, saying, “That’s strange.”

“What?”

His expression twisted into what looked like anger.

“What is it?” I repeated.

Ray grunted. “He liked you.”

“Excuse me?” I scoffed. Who was he talking about?

“Ben,” he stated. “Ben liked you. A lot.”

This caught me completely by surprise. “How… How do you know?”

“I remember things from his mind,” Ray explained. “Especially the most recent things.”

He winced before continuing, “The accident is very vivid, but so are you. How dare he even think about you. Even consider you. I-”

“Are you jealous?” I interrupted, smirking.

Ray stopped short, snapping his mouth shut. After a moment, he admitted, “Very jealous.”

I laughed. “Don’t be. Ben. Was my friend, and we could have been even better friends, but nothing more. Come on, you know I like the boys that are hard to get.”

Ray smiled, muttering, “Very hard to get.” He looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“You’re tired,” I pointed out. “You should sleep.”

“Probably,” he allowed, “but I’m not sure if I want to.”

I laughed quietly, soothingly. “Now, you’re starting to sound like me, and I’m starting to sound like you.”

He smiled up at me, blinking more rapidly than normal.

“Go to sleep,” I crooned. “You haven’t slept in months. It will feel very good.”

“Almost as good as your hand,” her murmured. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whispered into his ear, and he was asleep.