Just to Hold You Close and Tight

Ray wanted to set our plan into action right away, but I refused to say a word to my parents until he was out of the hospital. I didn’t have to wait long, though. He got out of the hospital on Tuesday.

I drove him to school on Wednesday. He refused to let me carry his backpack, despite the fact that he had to walk with crutches. His broken arm also complicated things. Still, he only allowed me to help him put his books in his bag between classes.

The news that “Ben and that new girl” were dating got around school pretty fast. I didn’t really mind, except that I got some dirty looks from a few girls. Apparently Ben had been pretty popular.

It wasn’t nearly as bad as the week before, because I saw him between some classes and even had History with him. We ate lunch at a table with some of his friends, including Dan and Kevin.

Instead of driving him straight home, we stopped at a convenience store to get hair dye. He had also secretly ordered blue contacts from his eye doctor, but he couldn’t get them until the next day.

His parents weren’t home, so we didn’t have to worry about them. I reluctantly helped him dye his hair. I hadn’t wanted him to dye it. I wanted him to look like Ray, with brown hair. He had assure me that it was necessary if he was going to stay for two weeks after I left, the amount of time we’d agreed on. That was part of the plan, so that people didn’t get suspicious about us leaving at the same time.

I didn’t like his hair after it was dyed, not that I said it out loud. However, Ray guessed what I was thinking by the look on my face.

He laughed. “I know, I know. I don’t really like it either.”

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” I half lied. “I just prefer your hair and your eyes.” I realized his dyed hair was much less upsetting than his contacts would be. His eyes were now almost a navy blue. I was starting to see his original eyes when I looked at him, and I liked that.

“Don’t worry,” he replied. “I’ll dye it back in Miami, and I won’t have to wear contacts.”

When I turned around to smile at him, he was closer than I expected. I smiled to myself, remembering that I had once wondered if this ability was a ghostly quality. Obviously, it was just his personality. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and my heart started beating faster. He was too close, and was getting closer. I turned my head to the side.

His hurt expression cut like a knife in my chest. “What did I do wrong?” he whispered.

He didn’t do anything wrong. Didn’t he know that? It would have been impossible to explain everything to him correctly. Of course I wanted him to be close to me, and I wanted him to close the gap between us and kiss me.

Even so, all my time alone had given me time to think. Yes, I wanted to kiss him, but I wanted to kiss Ray’s lips, not Ben’s. I didn’t think he would understand that.

He misunderstood my silence and dropped his arms.

“No,” I squeaked, putting my arms around his neck and placing my head in his chest. “Please, don’t be like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please try to understand?”

He didn’t put his arms around my waist again. “Then why…” he said, but he couldn’t finish.

“It’s because I’m stupid and selfish,” I replied, knowing it was the truth. “I don’t want to kiss Ben’s lips. I want to wait until I can kiss yours.”

“This is me, not Ben,” he argued.

I sighed. “I know. But technically you’re speaking through Ben’s lips right now. You know that’s true.”

“Not anymore,” Ray said darkly. “It’s all mine now.”

“I understand that, but I want to wait until it’s completely you. Otherwise it wouldn’t feel right.”

“I don’t get it,” he said. He remained unmoving.

“This is so stupid!” I exclaimed. “I know you don’t understand, and you probably won’t, but this is also out of respect for you. I love you, and I will kiss you. Just not right now.”

“You’re right,” he said. “This is a stupid thing to argue about. I’m sorry.” Still, though, he wouldn’t wrap his arms around me once more.

I was fed up with it all, so I replied angrily, “So after weeks of not being able to hold me, you don’t when you finally can?” I looked up and, hesitantly, I kissed his cheek.

He didn’t answer, but he hugged me so tightly he lifted me off the ground. He laughed. “Okay. Go fight with your parents now, not me. Good luck!”

I laughed too. How strange our conversations were! “Thanks. I’ll need it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before letting me go, he kissed my cheek and said, “Tomorrow.”