Just to Hold You Close and Tight

“Mel said you could stay with Gabby until you find an apartment,” my mom told me as soon as I made it down the stairs. She had the phone in one hand. She must have been talking to Mel as she spoke.

“Tell her I said thanks so much and to say high to Gabby for me!” I told her.

She nodded and turned away. Guessing I was no longer needed, I took a shower and went to bed.

The next day was excruciatingly normal. I had to fight to keep my mind on my schoolwork, even though I knew I was leaving. The whole day, I was ready to jump up and run a marathon.

Ray noticed my jumpiness at lunch. Picking at his sandwich, he said, “You have got to calm down. You look like you’re going to have a panic attack.”

I shook my head. “I’m not panicking. I’m excited to see my friends again and scared to leave you.”

Eyeing everyone else at the lunch table, he replied, “You’ll be okay. We’ll talk later.”

I nodded, and twitched my way through the rest of the day. When the last bell finally rang, I literally ran to Ray’s locker to get rid of some of my excess energy.

He laughed when he saw me coming, but he didn’t say anything. He allowed me to carry his backpack so that we could get to my car sooner.

We didn’t talk as I drove us to the park. I didn’t know what to say, and neither did he. I just wanted to be with him while I still could.

Going all the way to where we used to look up at the stars wasn’t really an option because of his handicaps, but we walked a little ways into the woods. We came to a log and sat on it. Ray slipped his arm around my waist, and I leaned into his side.

“Can’t you come to Florida sooner?” I asked desperately.

He squeezed me gently, saying, “You know I wish I could, but even two weeks is cutting it close. Besides, I have to wait until I get my casts off.”

“When’s that?” I asked.

“The cast on my arm is coming off in a week from tomorrow, and the one on my leg is supposed to come off in a little less than two weeks.”

“Oh,” I said, not knowing what else to say. After a long silence, I added, “What are you telling Mrs. Moore when I leave?”

“I’ll tell her I broke up with you because you were leaving and that you wanted to stay in touch, but I said no,” he replied. “That way she’ll be less likely to think I followed you when I leave.”

I sighed. “What will you tell her when you leave?”

He thought for a long time before answering. “It’ll be hard. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t pretend to be her son forever. I wish I could tell her the truth: all of it. I know I can’t, though, so I think I’ll leave her a note telling her how much I love her, that I’ll miss her, and that I’m sorry I had to leave. I’ll give her a phone number… I think I can imitate Ben’s voice pretty well. I know I’ll still break her heart, though.”

I felt bad for her, but I knew there was nothing else he could do. “You did your best,” I said. “Ben would be glad.”

Ray put his head onto mine, so that his cheek was pressed against the top of my head. “I think that he would be,” he said. “We’ll ask him some day.”

“Some day,” I replied, “but not too soon, I hope. I think we’ve got lives ahead of us… Or at least we’re supposed to.”

I knew he was smiling when he said, “Don’t worry. You’ll make it through the next couple of weeks.”

“I wish I was as confident as you are,” I said sourly.

“I’ll call you every day, I promise,” he vowed, “but don’t forget there’s a time difference.”

“I won’t.”

“And you’ll have your friends to keep you busy,” he added

This actually made me smile. “Very true. And they’ll do anything, no matter how crazy it is, to put me in a good mood. It’s a good thing they think my boyfriend died, or the depression would scare them.”

Ray stoked my side. “Come on, now. Nobody’s going to be depressed. You’ll be fine. I know we’re not a normal couple, but normal people can’t always be together. They live, so we’ll live.

“I know I’ll live,” I said, “but that doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy it.” No, it would be quite the opposite. I knew I would be suffering every second, no matter how much my friends attempted to distract me. “Who will distract you?”

He frowned. “That’s beside the point. You probably have to go home and pack, don’t you?” he asked, his voice sounding strained.

“Probably,” I admitted, not too happy with his answer to my question.

“I don’t want to keep you from getting ready,” he said, starting to get up.

I unenthusiastically helped him up and we walked to my car. As was custom, we didn’t speak, and he stared at me the whole time. The only difference was that I held his hand.

I drove slowly, but even that couldn’t keep me from getting us to Ben’s house eventually. When I pulled into his driveway, a deep sense of dread washed over me. This was it.

I got out and walked to his door with him.

“So I guess this is goodbye for now, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice cracking.

Ray picked up my locket like he had so long ago. Had it really been that long? Just like that time, he kissed it. Then he slipped one hand into his pocket, pulled out an envelope, and shoved it into my pocket. When I went to take it out and see what it was, he grabbed my hand. “Don’t. It’s cash, in case you need to buy something. Please, use it for anything you want. I don’t expect it back.”

I nodded, but I knew I probably wouldn’t spend a penny.

Then he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t object, and I twisted my arms around his neck.

“I love you,” he whispered into my ear. “Whatever happens, I will always love you.”

“I know,” I rasped softly, choking on my words. “I love you too. That’s why I’m doing this.”

After kissing my forehead, he said, “I’m sorry. You had to give up a lot more than I did.”

“It was worth it,” I said strongly. With one last fleeting glance that I would never forget, we dropped out arms, and I ran back to my car without looking back. It would have hurt too much.