Just to Hold You Close and Tight

“We’ve missed you!” Gabby exclaimed, and Chelsea nodded enthusiastically.

“I missed you guys too,” I replied sincerely, returning their hugs. I waved at Mel, Gabby’s mom, tentatively. In case you’re wondering, we did call each other’s parents by their first names.

“It’s nice to see you,” Mel said, smiling.

“You too,” I said formally.

“We found the perfect place for you to stay,” Mel informed me.

“It’s only a few minutes from my house!” Gabby cut in excitedly.

I grinned. “It sounds perfect.”

“It’s an apartment with a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room,” Chelsea added, probably feeling a little left out of the conversation.

I smiled through my slight disappointment. I had been secretly hoping for two bedrooms… for reasons I didn’t want to admit to myself. I decided to change the subject. “That’s great. I better get my bags.”

“Already done,” Chelsea said, motioning towards a pile of suitcases on the floor. I didn’t ask how they had known which ones were mine.

After checking to make sure they were all there, we rolled them out to their car and loaded them into the trunk.

We went to Gabby’s house, where the weekend-long sleepover was to take place. I couldn’t move into the apartment until Sunday, so I was going to spend the rest of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning at Gabby’s house. Of course Chelsea would be there too.

Everyone had to help carry my suitcases up to Gabby’s room because I had quite a few of them. Once we were safely behind her closed door, they began to talk to me.

Gabby sat on her armchair sideways, her head on one arm of the chair and her legs hanging off the other. Chelsea was sprawled out on her back on Gabby’s bed, her head dangling off the edge so that it was up-side-down. I sat cross-legged next to Chelsea.

Gabby eyed me warily. “Amber… how are you feeling?”

I had known this was coming. Although my mind had been preoccupied with my friends’ presence, her words brought everything back to me. Ray was hundreds of miles away from me. I felt the despair seeping through the cracks of my temporary content. My stomach twisted as I realized how far away he really was. I looked from Chelsea to Gabby with a pale face and empty eyes.

They seemed to understand that I was not feeling good. Chelsea sat up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said, “We’re here for you. Whether you want to talk or if you don’t want us to say another word.”

I knew I couldn’t really talk to them about how I was really feeling, and I didn’t want to. “I know,” I replied gratefully, “and thank you for that. But I really… I don’t want to talk about it.”

Gabby nodded. They had been expecting this, but they had wanted to put the offer out there.

Suddenly my cell phone started ringing. I jumped up a little too eagerly. As I had expected, it was Ray. “It’s my mom,” I lied smoothly. “Can I be alone?”

They both looked at me strangely, but they nodded and left.

“Hey,” I said softly into the receiver.

“Amber,” he said, and my despair melted away at the sound of his voice.

I sighed in relief. “Ray,” I said, quietly enough that anyone outside the door couldn’t hear, just in case my friends decided to be nosy.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m great. Especially now,” I said, exposing my true need for his voice.

He gave a short laugh. “I feel much better myself. How was your flight?”

I groaned. “Well, I guess it wasn’t that bad because, I slept through the whole thing.”

“Are you serious? How could you sleep in the middle of the day?”

His voice was so disbelieving that I laughed. “I didn’t get any sleep last night. I doubt I will tonight, either. Or the night after.”

“Why?” he asked, puzzled.

I lowered my voice to almost a whisper. “I haven’t been able to sleep properly since you got Ben’s body. Last night was worse because I was full of anxiety and excitement at the same time. Tonight I will be missing you. The same will be for tomorrow, and the next night…”

“I will be missing you too,” he said almost as quietly as I had. “I will be there soon though.”

“Not soon enough,” I mumbled. “I have to call my mom now. I’ll call you whenever I have some time alone, alright?”

“I’ll be waiting,” he assured me before saying goodbye.

I hung up and called my mom quickly.

“Oh Amber, are you at Gabby’s house?” she gushed without even letting me say hello.

No, I thought sarcastically. I’m in New York. “Of course,” I said out loud, exasperated. “I’m moving into an apartment they found for me on Sunday.”

“Oh, that’s good, honey,” she replied. “Remember to call me and tell me how everything’s going every day, okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, Mom. I have to go now.”

“Okay, bye! I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said through clenched teeth, hanging up. It was amazing how my mood had already changed only a few seconds after I stopped talking to Ray. The misery was creeping up on me again, but it was coming slowly.

My friends came back in a few minutes later. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking, and they filled me in on all the gossip I had missed. After a nice lasagna dinner, we watched a few movies in Gabby’s room.

Before putting in the third movie, Gabby pulled out pillows and sleeping bags for the night. I tried to hide the sudden flood of agony when I saw the sleeping bags. It reminded me of too many things that were lost. I think I might have succeeded.

They fell asleep way before me. It was around midnight when I realized they were no longer awake. However, my body thought it was only ten, so I went into the bathroom with my cell phone.

“Amber,” he said with recognition in his voice, which sounded more like his and less like Ben’s every time I heard it.

“Ray,” I countered. “Chelsea and Gabby are asleep.”

“Why aren’t you?” he asked, and I knew by his voice that he was raising his eyebrows. “Isn’t it midnight there?”

“Well, yeah, but it doesn’t feel like it,” I replied defensively.

“Yeah, the time change is hard,” he allowed.

After a long silence, I said, “I just… called to say goodnight.”

“Thanks,” he said. “That really… I miss you.”

“I miss you too. I’ll call whenever I can.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that,” he whispered. “Goodnight.”

“’night,” I said quietly before hanging up.

Even right after hearing his voice, I couldn’t fall asleep. The sleeping bag just didn’t feel right. It felt way too big and oddly vacant. I never fell completely asleep.