Just to Hold You Close and Tight

“Hi,” Ray said. “Am I calling you too early?”

“Good morning. It’s eleven here. I was just wondering when it would be late enough to call you.” I felt my chest fill with the familiar warmth that accompanied his voice.

“It’s never too early to call me,” he said with more emotion than was usual for him.

I smiled. “Okay. Works for me. What are you doing today?”

He paused. “Well… I’m not exactly doing anything at all,” he replied hesitantly.

I frowned. “Nothing? You’re just going to sit around?”

“I’m used to it,” he grumbled. “Before you came along, I did absolutely nothing for days at a time. Anyways, what are you doing?”

Still troubled by his reply, I said, “I’m going shopping with Gabby and Chelsea.”

“Ah,” he said, sounding interested. “Don’t forget about that money I gave you.”

This seemed like the invitation I needed to spend it, but I was still reluctant about using his money. “I’d really rather not use it.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem right to spend your money,” I admitted.

He just laughed. “You moved away from your parents to Miami so that I could be with you. And after all you gave up; you refuse to take my money?”

I sighed. “I don’t know what it is.”

“Amber, please. After you gave up pretty much everything for me, I have to give you something back. Money can’t quite do the job… it only buys material things. But until I get there, it’s all I can give you. I promise that when I see you again, you can have anything you want.”

A shiver ran down my spine, because I knew he meant what he said. I also knew I could take advantage of those words… and I probably would. “Anything?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

After thinking it over, he replied, “Yes. As long as there’s no way it can hurt you.”

I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. “Okay.”

“And really, buy yourself some clothes for me. I wouldn’t have given you the money if I didn’t want you to spend it,” he said.

“Deal,” I said. “Gabby and Chelsea will be wondering where I am. I better go.”

“Okay. I hope you have fun,” he replied. After a few seconds, he added, “I love you. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t,” I vowed. “Just remember that I love you too.”

“Thanks,” he replied. “I’ll be thinking about that all day.” He hung up before I could answer.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I was only slightly annoyed he hadn’t let me say goodbye.

The shopping trip proved to be just what I needed, as my friends had promised. Even on the way there, they distracted me easily. There was one incident, though.

I was only buying a pair of jeans at the first store we went to. I decided I would buy them with Ray’s money, so I dug in my purse and opened up the envelope.

“Holy-!” I exclaimed, but I caught myself before I continued. There were not just a few twenties in that envelope, like I had expected. There were fifty dollar bills, and a lot of them. When I say a lot, I mean there must have been thousands of dollars in there.

My friends looked at me, concern written on their faces. I quickly cleared my expression and smiled. “Oh, never mind. I thought I forgot my money, but it’s right here.” I paid for the jeans.

If I didn’t miss him so much, I would’ve been fuming. First of all, it bothered me that he had given me so much money. Second of all, I wondered where he had gotten it all – or where Ben had gotten it all, more accurately. Third of all, he should have told me how much he gave me. I was carrying thousands of dollars around in my purse! I though about counting it when my friends weren’t looking, but I realized I didn’t really want to know. However, I did want to talk to him, so I split up with my friends, telling them I needed a little more time in one store and that I would meet them in the next store.

As soon as they were gone, I sat in the vacant dressing room.

“Hello.” When Ray answered his phone, his voice was amused, as if he already knew what I was thinking.

I tried to hold on to the anger I felt, but most of it was replaced by the joy of talking to him. Still, I let the little anger that was left fill my voice. “What were you thinking?” I demanded.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently, but I had the feeling he knew exactly what I meant.

“How much money-” I began, but then I remembered I didn’t want to know. “Wait. Don’t even tell me. But, honestly, it’s all in my purse right now. What if it gets stolen?”

He laughed. “I would gladly replace it. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal!” I hissed. “Where did Ben get it all?”

“He saved it,” Ray replied vaguely, “and there’s plenty more, so don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not spending any more of it,” I said stubbornly. “I bought a pair of jeans. Is that enough for you?”

“Hardly,” he snorted. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t spend it. I refuse to take it back.”

“I refuse to keep it!” I retorted.

He sighed. “Please, Amber, don’t be difficult.”

His voice was so weary that I stopped to think. He sounded exhausted and strained somehow. “Fine,” I said, “but… are you okay?”

He didn’t answer for a long time. When he did, he said slowly, “Well… not really. You see… I don’t have two great friends to distract me.”

I sat in the little chair in the corner of the changing room. I knew this was going to be a long conversation. “Oh,” was all I could say. I instantly felt guilty. He was hurting as much as I was – even more than I was – and I hadn’t even noticed it. What kind of a girlfriend was I? Not a very good one. “I’m… sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” he assured me.

“It there anything I can do?” I asked, starting to get extremely concerned.

“I don’t think so. Look, I’m sorry I even said anything.”

“No, don’t be,” I said quickly. “You have to tell me these things. I just… I wish I could do something.”

“I know,” he said.

He was suffering. I leaned my head against the wall and exhaled in frustration. “Well, all I can say is that you should find something to distract you. Moping around all day isn’t going to help anything, trust me,” I said, offering all the advice I had.

Ray was silent for a while before he said, “I guess you’re probably right. I’ll try, even though I don’t feel like doing anything.”

“Please do that.”

“Your friends will be looking for you soon,” he said suddenly, almost reading my mind.

“Most likely,” I admitted.

“Alright. I won’t bother you any longer,” he replied tiredly.

My voice was soft as I replied,” Ray, you never bother me.”

“Thanks,” he said stiffly. “Bye.”

“Love you,” I whispered before closing my phone. Now I was definitely worried about him.

I felt way past guilty when we sat down to eat lunch, and I realized I hadn’t thought about Ray at all. I put on a happy mask, though, so my friends wouldn’t see. I couldn’t explain to them why I was worried.

The rest of the day’s shopping was no less fun than the morning’s. When we returned to Gabby’s car with all our bags, I couldn’t help but enjoy my light mood.

We went out to eat at a nice restaurant, and I think they were pleased with my good mood. We only had a couple of hours to get ready for bed, and they fell asleep early. I guess they were tired from all the shopping. I knew I was.

I called Ray before going to sleep. He sounded a little less upset, so he either found something to distract him, or he was getting better at acting happy. I hoped it was the first option.

I had a hard time falling asleep, but I did eventually. I didn’t sleep soundly, though. I had a nightmare. In the horrible dream, I was laying at the bottom of a pool. Water filled my lungs, and I couldn’t breathe.

That wasn’t the worst part. I saw Ray next to me, too. He was pale and still, lying at the bottom of the pool by my side. His arms were folded neatly over his chest, his eyes were closed, and his face was expressionless. Even the currents of the water didn’t move his hair a fraction of an inch.

A stream of bubbles was leaving his nose, but there were less and less bubbles every second. Even though my lungs were burning from lack of oxygen, that isn’t why I tried to thrash my arms and break the spell that kept me still. I wanted to save Ray, not myself.

I used all of my strength, but I could not move. The bubbled came from his nose less often, until suddenly a tiny, final bubble escaped, and I knew it was the last.

I woke up, and I was crying. I was grateful that I hadn’t screamed, so my friends didn’t see me with tears all over my face. I comforted myself by remembering that I would be in my own apartment soon, so I could scream and cry in my sleep without them knowing. After that, though, I didn’t go back to sleep.