One Fumbled Touch

Jessica's Point Of View

Life was never meant to be this hard. I shouldn't be falling to pieces in pools of my own regret and crying the life out of me every second, every minute, every day... The pain coats my body like toffee oozing over an apple, wow such an inspiring simile well whatever I was never the best at English. I claw away at my skin trying to rip through the flesh exposing the hurt and anger to the world. But it just stays captivated inside of me slowly penetrating my heart and soul. The funny thing is I was happy before I met William, I had normal friends, a caring brother and most of all I didn't lie or wreck peoples lives through blackmail. I was stronger than that. Now I'm half the person I used to be and my once rosy futures seems beyond bleak, rainbows drain of colour and the petals shrivel then drop off the flowers. There is no going back, I've lost the path I was taking and the only direction is into a life I will grow to hate, a life I don't want to live.

I'm sat in the leaving room, dressed in a simple pair of shorts and skimpy vest top, my hair hangs flat past my shoulders and my face is stripped of makeup.This is when the real me comes alive, I have nothing to hide behind. Makeup boosts my confidence, fancy clothes make me look stylish and in the crowd but that does not make me Jessica. That's why I'm sat with a cup of tea, notebook on my lap and Slumdog Millionaire on the television. I'm seeking inspiration, hope and most importantly life. I'm going through every DVD in the cupboard and writing down anything what sends my heart into a frenzy or makes my skin explode into thousands of tiny goose bumps. Screw parties, being plastic and one night stands.

Jon and Spencer came over today, Brandon sent them to hurt me. Mentally of course. They both looked at me with harsh eyes, I just sat emotionless ignoring the insults as they slit through me but they numbness blocked the oozing pain. They look happy together, I wont dwell on the fact they have everything I want, I crave. I got the cold, hard facts Brendon hates me and William also wishes I was dead, the joy. I'm surprised Mike even let them anywhere near me I mean from all the damn pressure I could crack I'm only human. I was overjoyed when they left hand in hand, dream after dream.

I slam down the notebook, the film ends and the titles roll down, what the hell am I doing? Sitting here trying to hide the fact that I'm a mess, a girl who doesn't even know who she is anymore. This whole situation is hopeless I bound to end up a worthless victim at the end of all this. But what would happen if I wasn't there for the end of this. No I don't mean on holiday, staying with a friend, or whatever I mean no longer there, non existent. Dead.

Sure it would be tragic but it would be quick, easy and whole lot better than being stuck on an earth where sorrow and regret pollutes the skies. It rains down on you from clouds of hate and your covered in your own pain, its just a fucking vicious cycle. Anyway the sky could do with a bit of relief so me dying would minus some of the hurt held up in the clouds.

I start to drum my fingers on my tattered notebook, destroyed from how much I chose to vent on it. My eyes scan across the messy living room as I try to think of the best way to go. I don't want to hang myself and I don't want to put a gun to my head, I mean where would I get a gun from in the first place! But then I realize something I've always wanted a gentle death, it has to be peaceful and tranquil. Sure it will be scary but I would deal with it, I mean you can only official die once, over and done with. Bye, bye. So of course I am going to want to fall asleep and never open my eyes to the world again.

It would be such a shame if I was to accidently overdose on sleeping pills and fall asleep in the bath...

I stand up my head feels fuzzy, confused as my hand makes its way through my dry locks and my feet start to function properly. I shuffle over to the downstairs bathroom and start to run a nice, warm bath, its funny as I watch the water drip from the tap part of the pain melts away. It will all be over soon. I run my fingers over the hot liquid, the ripples across the water sends my heart to a standstill and my eyes slowly start to droop. Maybe death wont be as scary as I thought, its seems pretty relaxing and nice to me right now.

But you will be dead.

Not dead, more alive than ever...

I open up the bathroom cupboard my eyes shine bright when I see the pretty, pink pills staring back at me. They almost beg me with their deadly substance as I empty most of the bottle into my hand and smile from the smoothness touching my skin. I take one quickly, a small tear splashes down my cheek when the pill slides slowly down my throat blocking the emotion as it does so. I swallow hard and instantly stick my mouth under the sink to wash it further down my throat. This time I throw my head back and stuff the pills into my mouth quickly sloshing them down my throat with some horrible warm water. Instantly I cling onto the sing desperate to stick my fingers down my throat and throw them up.

Clinging onto the porcelain I push back my sticky fringe and pull my hair behind my ears, I can already feel the moisture tickling my forehead and the exhaustion washes through me. I don't bother taking my clothes off I don't want Mike finding my naked, even if I can't feel the embarrassment it is still pretty damn sick. I slowly lower myself into the bath, the warm water splashing against my stiff legs and aching stomach makes me sigh in relief. I rest my head against the cool, tiled wall and let my eyes drop shut. I reach out for my ipod and put Everything We Had on by The Academy Is. How fitting. I see me and William on that very night he runs a hand over my delicate thigh and brushes the hair from my eyes. He sends tender kisses down my neck then slowly unbuttons my skirt with his shaking hand as my body shakes from the pleasure.

But then I open my heavy eyes and get hit by the harsh reality, no William, no nothing. I smash my head hard against the tiles in disappointment and don't care that tears are frantically dripping down my cheeks. William stole my heart, I never got it back. Mike stole my innocence, my truth ad now I'm just a lying slapper with issues. Well fuck that soon I'll be an angel in heaven, a halo above my head and dressed in a pretty white dress. I can look down on William from a fluffy white cloud and smile from sun up till sun down. Perfect.

Well at least I will always mean more to William than just an obsessive fan girl who stopped him getting drunk one perfectly flawed night...