I Won't Fear Love.

Shit, you miserable, no good moron!

Yeah, that's my thought right now. It sucks, now.

Wait, I take it back. It doesn't suck now, it's been sucking! Ever since I've said that one word, no those words that I wish I could take back. I wish I could take back everything.

I have to go to school and see just how messed up my decision was. Now everybody's telling me how stupid I am, and to tell you the truth. I agree with them one hundred percent, but they think I'm just some selfish fool.

Which, again, I agree. Nothing but selfish.

I sighed as I sank lower in my seat in English.

When everyone found out, they were completely shocked, and went right to Dominic. Of course they came over and scolded me.

Lex said: "What were you thinking, Mariella? Look at him." And I refused to, because I couldn't.

Beth said: "You've made tons of wrong decisions, but that was one screwed up decision." Heather would agree, Jimmy just shook his head and gave me a weak hug.

The only ones who actually understood me was my mother and Dante.

Dante did tell me it was wrong, but he understood. He had told me, "Look, Sis. Dom's not a bad guy, but that's not the real reason why you broke up with him. It was working, and you're just afraid." And my mother had said give it time, and I'll get the guts.

But I don't think I ever will.

Basically two more months and you can leave it behind, Mariella. I thought.

Oh, and Alexis has officially named the baby Bella Mae Cologne. Wish I think is adorable, but I Wasn't so happy knowing if what happened didn't happen I would have been all jumpy like Beth.

Both Beth and Heather are hard on me, and it sucks so bad. I didn't know what to do, I don't kno what to do.

I want him back, I do. My body just won't find the courage to move.

I keep telling myself that you're just a coward, that it's going to happen.

I stole the words right out of my best friends mouth.

"Mariella? Are you okay? Class is over." I heard Mrs.Montgomery say, and I looked to see that everyone had cleared.

Dominic had switched seats with someone. Some part of me wished that I had only fallen asleep at the beach and that I had dreamed what I did, but the pain was just so surreal. It would have woke me up.

I don't feel like myself with out him, and it's like half of me stayed with him.

I gathered my books and nodded, keeping my head down, making sure I ignored eye contact. Because like Heather said, I'm like an open book.

"I'm fine." I said softly, as I moved. But she spoke. Damn it.

"Mariella, "She said softly. "What's wrong with you and Dominic? You two looked so happy a week ago at the prom, but now you won't even look at him." I shook my head, not letting the tears escape. My jaw tightened. It was like she finally got it, because she gasped and her tone was much lighter and full of sadness. "Oh, Mariella. Dear, "She got up and walked to me. "You did it." My eyes went wide, and I shook my head. "Not that it, you guys are over. You let your fear get to you, oh dear. Mariella." She shook her head as she closed the door and motioned for me to place my little butt in a chair. She followed, "Mariella, tell me. What happened?"

She may not be a licensed counselor, or whatever. But she's an English teacher, and she writes, she has a different inspect of things.

I sighed as I told her what happened Sunday, and she listened. Not one time did she stop to judge one of my thoughts, didn't interrupt me. She just let me speak. I told her why I was afraid of heart breaks, a lot.

"So, here I am Miserable as hell wishing I could somehow take everything back." I finished, and she sighed.

"I did the same as you with my husband." She said, "Mariella, not all men are like your father, and like Bethany's ex boyfriend. My husband stayed true to his promises, and you want to know something?" I nodded my head and she continued. "I was the first one he ever dated. His first, and his last. Before him, I had huge relationship problems. Just like you. I was cheated on, I was ditched. I was everything. How do you children say it these days? Hmmm...I was played." She said, I smiled only for a second as she tried to speak like us. Even if she didn't I understood everything she spoke about."So, when I meant my husband at a party. Let me tell you, he was the most gorgeous thing that my eyes ever saw, and still see. Well, okay. Patrick Swayze is just as handsome, but I knew it was impossible." I laughed a little and she smiled, "But hey, when he came up to me I was so excited and happy. The only thoughts going through my mind were 'This handsome thing wants to speak to me? I was astounded." She paused, smiled at whatever memory came forward. "As time came, we got to know each other more. I fell in love with this guy, and I knew this was the one." She suddenly frowned. "But one day, I got so scared. It was the first time he said he loved me. I didn't want to be so close, I didn't want to hear that he loved me, because I Thought once a man says those words he doesn't mean it, he just wanted...well..sex." I felt awkward hearing my English teacher talk about that part, who wouldn't?"So, I ran. And for years I was single. I remained single, only for this reason; I wanted him, and only him.. I was unhappy, to say the truth. I went through life with so many people thinking I was some idiot. But once I was old enough to get out of school, I moved to another state." She paused as she seriously frowned now, "I always will accuse my self and hate the fact that I hurt him as much as I did. It's just, I didn't want to get so close. And I was already so close to him.

"There was this one day I was out, and I was buying groceries, when I saw some tall guy with this little girl, and for some reason those nice green eyes reminded me of Jerry, who is my husband. I had to get out there, but once that guy turned around to get the little because she was running away from him, in my direction, I saw him. And it was like a million memories hit me with the impact of a car. He saw me, and the first thing he did was stare. I could see how over the years, by the way I was only 26, how he hasn't exactly healed either. His eyes could always show so much. He gently picked the little girl up and walked over to me.

"I was speechless, he had the courage to come up to me and actually speak to me. We spoke, and I noticed how bad I wanted him back. It got so bad, that one day I grabbed my keys, got into my jeep and drove to his house. Which, the little girl by the way is now my step daughter. He was divorced when I saw him.

"So, here I am. Happier than ever." She smiled as I wiped my eyes.

Is that what I'm suppose to do? Move away and hope that he'll, on no big reason just not even knowing, be there? Am I really suppose to just do that? I know how crazy I am of him, but will it end out like Mrs.Montgomery's story?

"Thank you, Mrs.Montgomery. That was a wonderful story." the bell had rung, signaling the end of the day. Missed my last period, shit.

"I'm sorry I made you miss last period, hon. I'll call the office and the teacher you had and tell them you and I were speaking. But, honey. Remember, I lived on 'If it was meant to be, it'll happen. Just because of what you did, doesn't mean it may not be meant, but it may. What I'm saying, don't be afraid. Or you'll end up like me. Old, but happy. In a way, I hope I didn't just confuse you, because sure as heck did confuse my self." I laughed along with her.

And I mean, really laughed. I smiled.

And when I left the room, I felt nothing but hope.

But still couldn't get my body to move to where he was parked.