Carved My Name

It's best for Claire if she stays with her grandparents rather that here with me. I love her, but I don't want her to see all the tension in the house and what I do to myself. I'm already using alcohol too much and not eating enough. She's never a bother to me. Maybe when the situation has simmered down she can come back. Until that day, if it ever comes, she can't stay with me. That doesn't mean I'm not going to see her. I come back to states only to see her.

She's not happy at my decision for her. I'm only looking out for her. I'm not as great as she thinks I am. I'm far from great. I'm in such a mess, more of mess because Jussi is here. Yet I promised her deep dish pizza and that’s how I'm going to win her over. I'm sucking up to her more by letting her watch stupid home videos of myself and my friends. She also gets to see her real mom in action, not a still photograph.

"How's work going for you Antoinette?" Beth's mom asked me. What she really means is how are you and Jacque doing?

"It's going good. I think something good is going to happen."

"Really? It's about time. I'm proud of you." I rolled my eyes.

"Ah! About time!" I happily screamed and went to the empty kitchen to start my call.

"Okay I'll get on it."

"Are you sure you are not busy?"

"Honestly, I want to be busy right now."

"Ohh, is it those famous people you know? The one who-?[/color}"

"Yes love, yes."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you so much."

"Bye Antoinette, our Scottish Queen of France."

"Bye to you my king."

I hung up the house phone and put it back in its place. In a good mood, I skipped the alcohol and settled with a coffee drink of my own. While blending the ingredients, I didn't see my visitor come in until he sat in front of me. I think I surprised him when I smiled brightly to him.

"I have enough for two. Want one?" I asked Jyrki.

"Of course sweetheart."

It's crazy how a nickname from the past brings things out from a person's memory. Though I don't like Jussi calling me Love, Jyrki has always been nice to me. Therefore he can call me the same nickname he called me those years ago in Helsinki. I still hold a grudge over him for not telling me about Jussi's affair.

"It's got no alcohol."

"Doesn't matter, I have a feeling I'll like it anyway." I smirked and turned behind me to get some glasses. "Why did you learn French and never Finnish?"

I smirked and chuckled. "I work for a French company Jyrki. Plus I found it easier to learn. I took a class in middle school but ended up ditching and going to Spanish instead. Learning French became easier when I got the job with the company."

"You're quiet good."

"I've been speaking it for five years. I'd be damned if I weren't."

I added some rockstar coffee blend to the empty cup and put it in the freezer for a few moments while I finished everything else. Jyrki watched me, studying my movements and how I made the beverage. Let me tell you after Bethany died there are a lot of new beverages I came up with. Most have alcohol on them, this particular one with coffee and chocolate can go either way.

"Why aren't you with everyone else?" I asked him.

"I can't stand Krista." He droned. I smirked like I won a battle.

"And to think, you kept her a secret from me." I sourly said while pouring the mixture into the nicely chilled glasses. Jyrki sighed and looked at me like a tired old man.

"Must you go there?"

"I'm sorry for not being able to let go of the past. You have no idea how many exercises I've done with my therapist to cure that. They've even tried hypnotizing me.”

"Therapists?" They always act surprised when there's not need to be surprised.

"When people change they tend to need help and guidance. My change was a spur of the moment. Therefore I desperately needed help." I completed the drink with lots of whipped cream. "There you go. Let's not make this night a disaster like the last."

I put the blender in the sink to be washed later. I took my drink with me to the living room where everyone is seated. Claire giggled to herself while watching her 'aunties' and 'uncles' at some of their worst moments. I chuckled at sat on the ground. Though Jyrki stopped me and wanted me to sit by him. He didn't realize how little room there was and settled with me sitting on his lap.

Almost like old times.

Though, if this were the "old times" we wouldn't be here. We'd be in Helsinki, Jussi and I wouldn't be so distant, I wouldn't be so fucked up. Those old times were nice. I had some fun moments. Moments that also showed me the cruelty of the universe and showed all the mistakes I made in the great old times. I don't want to pin it all on Jussi, although I'm making him the primary source of my mistakes.

"Mommy, what is that?" Claire pointed to the cups Jyrki and I held

"It's a coffee drink babe; you're not going to like the taste." Claire frowned a little. I got up but Beth's mom stopped me.

"I'll get her something." I sighed and sat back down on Jyrki's lap.

Claire's mood lightened when she got her juice in her yellow plastic cup. She also started giggling at my younger self. Comparing myself to then, I look so different. My hair is different, I haven't had differently dyed streaks since December 2002. I've kept my blonde hair black and choppy cut. I've had dark hair for just over a decade; wouldn't it look completely weird if I turned back into a blonde? Ha, most people wouldn't recognize me.

In a new record my stomach turned sour. I didn't know the clips of my 'Queen of All Things Penguin Like' were on this disk. I didn't want to look at the old me with long black hair, white/blonde streaks wearing black jeans, black uggs, and a white long sleeve. She enjoyed her lunch at the Chinese restaurant with her friends. She considered those people her family more than her own family.

Ah, her family. They shunned her once she disobeyed Baltic. Little of them care for her; the ones that once annoyed her are now on her side. The ones that protected her and loved her are now against her. Her parents acted like she didn't exist. As much as that would bother most people, it didn't bother her. Growing up, she didn't turn to her parents, whom were never around. She turned to her older siblings as her guardians.

Yet after Beth died her parents wanted to become active her life. She pushed them away, obviously confused and new to the situation. The part where she snapped was when they told her what to do. They wanted her to go here, take this job, and talk to these people. They told her what to do in her life. They didn't understand that she didn't want them to control her life; she wanted herself to control her life. Anything that happened in her life, she decided.