Carved My Name

"This a beautiful place."

"It's only beautiful because we're in the mountains. It's neutral here, very quiet."

"Where is your brother?"

"He's taking a break in Costa Rica with his wife and kids."

"What about you? Don't you take breaks?" I chuckled.

"This is my break. I work while on my 'vacations' so I can travel here more often. Though essentially, I can work anywhere in the world for my job. All I need a phone, computer, and high speed internet."

"That means you can leave Finland if you wanted." I sighed.

He's right, completely right. There's nothing tying me to Finland. Sure I love Jonne, the numerous new people I've met in the past five years and the guys from HIM, but since Jussi and I 'broke up' I've only stayed in Finland because I didn't want to pack up and move somewhere else. I probably should have moved. It would have been better on my part. Finland does hold many memories to me. It's where I met the man I thought loved me like I did, where I met many of my friends now, and it's where I got my job. It's also close to the headquarters. The headquarters are in France, I'm in Finland... it's close enough. If I asked my boss to move, he surely wouldn't mind.

I'm the one making the decisions in my life. I control each thing: what happens, where I go, what time, and who I'm with. Ever since the 69 Eyes got here, my control over my life is breaking. I'm not trying all that much, nor am I paying attention. I'm letting fate make its own choices in my life without me knowing. All this reminiscing about the past and the people in it hasn't helped my control. For all I know, something big is going to happen all because I'm not dictating my life choices.

I didn't want Jussi to come with me, but I let him. It's for the better good anyways. We might as well try to get on calm speaking terms without mentioning the past. So far we were doing well; until he brought up me leaving Finland. I don't want to leave Finland, honestly. It's been my home for years now. Even leaving to go here from Helsinki feels so different. I might as well admit that I stayed in Helsinki for the sake of Jussi. I wanted him to come back to me. Though after the first year, I gave up and focused on my future.



"Tell her to bite my head then." Antoinette hissed in her phone. "Well yeah I'm mad! It's not her place to go there! ... Fuck.... Don't tell me-.... What am I suppose to do? Tell me since I'm so incompetent! ... You might have well said it! ... I give up with you!"

She's hostile when she's mad. I'm afraid to say a word that will get her mad. She already is mad at me though. Not right now at least. We were doing wonderful, our conversation didn't end to an argument or burst of emotion. It's almost like before, when we were together; minus the love part.

I can truthfully say that I loved Antoinette. I missed her so much while on tour. I loved hearing her voice on the phone, I hated the distance. I loved the pictures she sent me from the holidays; I hated how she spent them with Bam. I could have handled things better back then. I should have controlled myself better.

Krista and I only started a week before Bethany died. I saw her during a concert and we went out for drinks. I found her fun to talk to. At the time, she reminded me of Antoinette. Maybe if I weren't so idiotic or wasted I would have notice how those two are nothing alike. I don't know how Krista and I stayed together for so long. She's a groupie and Antoinette was my girlfriend. I didn't want to get myself involved with a groupie.

Krista followed me from place to place. She pulled me away so it left the two of us together. Of course I felt guilty for what I did. If I were smart I would have ended it there. I told her I had a girlfriend; that didn't stop her. Once that dreaded night came I didn't know where to turn. Antoinette wanted nothing to do with me; neither did Bam or Ville. I went to the person that's kept me company for the week. That only led me to a five year on/off relationship.

Five years for most people means marriage is soon coming up. I'm not sure if Krista is the one. I don't want to rush things either. I think I might have rushed things with Antoinette, thus ending us in one. Five years.... it's a long time. Krista and I have an on/off relationship. What will happen when we're married? There's no way to have an on/off marriage; that's called having an affair.

"Jussi, I'd appreciate it if you'd answer me." Antoinette impatiently said to me.

"I didn't know I zoned out Love." Her eyes darkened.

"I'm not your love." She warned in a whisper where she wanted no one to hear.

We were doing fine; then I had to open my mouth. It's a habit of mine. When I look at her all I think is 'Love'. I've never called Krista 'Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart'. All those names bring me to Antoinette. Jyrki calls her sweetheart. She's the only one.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you really?" Her voice went snappy and almost obnoxious with me.

"Yes Antoinette; I really am sorry. Like to Jyrki you are 'Sweetheart', to me you are 'Love'."

"Sure I am."

"No! Really! Not once have I called Krista 'Love'."

"You better be telling me the truth Jussi Vuori..."

"I am... Love."

Her once dark eyes turned less dark but looked down at the cart filled with alcohol instead of me. The darkness looked more to be depression rather than another emotion. She sadly sighed and mumbled that we should be leaving. Without any other words between us she paid for all the drinks and we left to go back to her brother's house.

"Please, say something." I begged her to end her silence.

"I don't know what to think." She whispered, keeping her eyes on the road. They were still dark and depressed.

"Do you still hate me?"

"I don't know anymore. I'm so god damn confused!"

She huffed and narrowed her eyes at the road. This would either be a good time to close my mouth for good or tell her something she wants to hear. I only don't want to get her even more angered. I waited until I saw her eyes loosen up and she didn't look so stiff while driving.

"I don't mean to sound snooping, but what was that earlier call about?"

"Oh, that, call. Well an anonymous lady called the stupid child services people because she thinks I'm not doing a good job with Claire. So now I'm going to be getting random, surprise visits from social workers."

"That's horrible."

"No shit Sherlock. If your skank is in on it-"

"I know, you'll cut off her boobs and castrate me." Antoinette turned and smiled to me.

"Now you're understanding things."