Carved My Name

That crazy dog has the nose of a bloodhound. Nollia is jumping from person to person desperately wanting to kiss them. I'm the brave one, taking in all the kisses from Nollia. Once the tiny dog finished with the kisses she sat on my lap, resting her head on my thigh to look at the men around me.

The guys have been good to me. Like a recreation from my past. Bam joined us, surprisingly not starting a party. He sat down next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder and joining in on our conversation. Bam was civil, not making any dumb shit remarks or getting on my nerves. Seeing this side of Bam is a miracle.

I'm asking myself why I let him go a few years ago. Even now five years later I'm regretting so many of my decisions. I wish I didn't let go of Bam. He made me so happy when were together. He'll never take me back. He's with Missy and completely more than happy with her.

I suddenly stood up, confusing the group. "What time is it?"

"Almost six."

"I need to take my medicine." I yawned, walking away with Nollia hot on my heels.

For once I'm not lying. I ran to kitchen, going to my box of pills. I pulled out the mandatory ones and my antidepressant ones. According to all my therapists I get depressed in a snap. I'll unknowingly bring back repressed memories and dwell on them; completely regretting it and/or wishing I handled things better. Apparently that happens a lot and I'm going through these pills a little too fast.

I pulled back on the number of them, only going for two. I mixed them in with my other pills and popped the handful of pills two at a time until I was left with one. I finished my cup of green tea, immediately I felt my pills mix with each other. Not a new feeling for me, I've felt it plenty of times before.

I should take my doctors 'advice' and rest for an hour after taking my pills. When do I ever listen to doctors? After all my bad experiences with them around I'm not sure if I can trust their word. Still dazed on my medicine and myself I boiled a large pot of water preparing to make homemade macaroni and cheese. I don't want to be so horrible but I felt incredibly lazy, taking longer to make dinner than planned. I probably almost burnt the sauce a couple times and almost burnt it in the oven. Yes people, I put macaroni and cheese in the over just to make a thin crust on the top.

Macaroni was joined by a large salad, enough for leftovers. I finished putting plates and such on the table when feet stampeded up and down the stairs. I know they smelt the macaroni and cheese. Or it might be that some of them were worried when I didn't come right about down. I think I should mention that my doctor says it's not wise to operate machinery after taking my pills.

I served Claire first, leaving her totally set for dinner. Everyone else is on their own. I have no plans of taking care of them. I think by now, more so I hope by now, no one is sadden by my lack of eating and not sitting with everyone. I walked out of the kitchen with everyone situated, taking refuge in the living room with my face facing the back rest of the couch.

I felt fine until a certain doorbell of mine buzzed a couple times. I crawled a little, trying to get my feet on the floor. I opened the door, being bombarded with a hug. I stumbled back, confused at what is happening. I opened my eyes, blinking out the blurriness to see my old time friend with my partner in work.

"Hey you." I smiled, giving Jacque a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey sexy." He whispered, kissing me on the cheek too.

"Whore." I smirked to Jenna.

"Slut." She smirked back to me.

"I love you too." I smiled to her, not afraid to kiss her on the lips

It's not the first time. Certainly not the last either. I remember the two of us making a very generous sum of money from a dare in Australia. It's on tape... never to be shared between others; Jenna and I are prepared to take it to the grave if worst comes to worse.

"I must speak with you." Jacque whispered in my ear, gently kissing it.

"Follow me."

I tugged on Jacque hands. I've never compared them to the hands of my last boyfriend. His were rough, strong and able to fend off. Jacque were soft, hiding something and made to soothe. This is what happens when they come visit me. This is exactly what I didn't want. Nor does this help me get over what him and I had.

I knew Jacque and I would get no unwelcome visitors if we go into my room. I closed the door after me, sitting on bed and asking Jacque to come sit with me. He looked hesitant; it doesn't take a dictator to see he's uncomfortable.

"What's on your mind?" I took the first step. We have enough privacy as it is for there to be no need for us to continue in French.

Plus Jyrki can understand my French well enough and that isn't great right now.

"Antoinette," Oh jeez this is never good when a name is the starting word. "You and I have known each other for five years. We've worked together and been through a lot together. And honestly I'm tired of you still pushing me away. I've proven my trust to you, you can certainly trust me. But I think it is time we have a 'you and I' relationship."

My mouth hung open as he basically asked me out on a date. No not that, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He's got a point; he's proved his trust to me.

"I don't think now’s the right time."

"Come on Antoinette! What is it? Are you still not over that Finn downstairs?"

"No!"

Ha.
YES.

"Don't lie to me. Tell me the truth. You've been drinking more and taking your pills more since he and his friends are here."

"It's not just that Jacque. Ever since they've been here I've been regretting just about everything in the past five years. I completely regret ending my relationship with Bam. I wish I trusted you a lot earlier. It's all 'I wish, I wish, I wish.' But nothing ever happens."

"Antoinette what you don't see is that you're young and you still have time. You can fix the rest of your life. Just please, let me in your life."

"I already told you Jacque! I cannot do it right now!"

Jacque held two emotions. One, shock and two, rage. My own face held rage. He doesn't understand anything I'm saying. Either that or he's just not wanting to believe it. He should know how difficult it is now with all these people from my past suddenly reappearing out of nowhere back into my life! Why can't he wait just one more week so we can take care of this in true privacy?

I groaned, in a negative way. I grabbed my hair, tugging on it. I didn't tug too hard, just to vent out my anger. Jacque's two emotions leaned towards the rage side. I swear on my own grave, if I get yelled at from him I'm going to scream and chop something off with a butcher knife. I don't care what it is, most likely a very dear body part to him.

Screw chopping off Jussi's dick; that plan is currently on hold.

"Why can't you just give me a chance? Get over the idiot and grow up." Jacque growled, giving me a narrow stare.

"Why can't you understand that right now isn't the best time? This has nothing to do with Jussi-"

"It obviously does since you've changed so much since he's been here."

I narrowed my own eyes. "He being here doesn't change anything."

"Yes it does Antoinette and you know it. You can't get over him or the past, he's all you think abo-"

"That is not true. Why can't we do this when we have more privacy? They'll be in Finland soon and-"

"And so will you Antoinette. You avoided them for five years and now they come out of nowhere. I'm sorry but I don't expect you to just go back to ignoring them like before. Them being here has completely changed you and I'm only looking out of you."

I opened my mouth then closed it once I thought over my words. It's better for me to think over what I'm about to say before I say it; especially now. I'm almost speechless now. His comment didn't clam me up completely; me revising my own words also contributed. I no longer feel like chopping off his dick with a butcher knife; I want to go crawl in a corner and never come out until all this crap is done with.

Again I tugged on my hair. I knew Jacque just waited for me to talk. I couldn't, I can't. I'm not sure what to say. I want him to understand what I'm trying to say; though I don't believe most of it myself and they're my own words.

"Can you just please understand that right now, this moment, I cannot let you in. There's too much going on."

"You just admitted it." Jacque coldly said. Confused, I responded silently with a puzzled look. "Those Finns being here are the ones on your mind."

"Jacque!" I called, getting out of the bed to follow him out of my room. "That's not what I said! Nor is it what I meant!"

When the door opened I immediately closed my mouth. I followed behind Jacque, stopping at the stair while he walked out of the front door. I really, really hope that no one heard that. I'd give anything for them to not remember what they just saw. It was easy to tell how mad Jacque was; he just stormed out of here, not looking anywhere but the door.

The best moment I could ask for. Still staring at the door I aimlessly reached for the land line phone. One click of the button and I knew who was on the other line. I pulled the end from my ear, resting it on the area just below the shoulder and just above the boob. Quietly I stepped down the stairs and stood behind Claire's chair.

"Your daddy's on the phone." I whispered, handing her the phone and heading down the stairs.

I snuck into the basement, stalking around the large corridor until I got to a hidden room from the basement's bar. There's a reason why this room is kept hidden from the public's eye. My brother has little kids running around, them getting into the wine cellar is almost worse than me getting into the wine cellar. I looked around, even getting on my tippy toes.

My eyes caught a blue sealed deep, blood red bottle. I slid the bottle out of its square holder, also reaching for a large clear wine glass with my other hand. The glass in one hand and the bottle in the other, I proceeded towards the door. I turned, my back facing the door to push the door open with my back. My brother would kill me if I broke a wine bottle. He doesn't mind me drinking some; it's the whole 'accidentally' dropping that bugs him.

I spun around, the proper way I should be facing. I stopped in my tracks, seeing Jussi across from me. We stared at each other, like deer caught in headlights. Slowly I 'grape vined' (if you play soccer you know this. It's also called the 'karaoke') to my left, trying to create as much distance between us as possible.

"Love, you can deny it all you want but you know that I know something is wrong." Jussi whispered, only audible to him and me.

I stopped walking to the left, staring at Jussi. My arms dropped to the side, turning to the wine cellar once more. I added another crystal glass to my collection and closed the door with my foot. I bore my eyes into Jussi. Call me crazy but I have the biggest urge imaginable to go towards him and latch my arms around him. I can't though.

With my eyes I begged him to join me. It won't hurt him to take a drink with me; it might do us some good. We've been doing well; not fighting. It's been melancholy between us lately. He and I must be doing something right. With the band, together, we were in discussion earlier.