Carved My Name

We snuck outside, taking refuge in a gazebo that was surrounded by tall and full adult trees. The trees completely hid Jussi and I; also muting our conversation to an extent. With a bottle of wine and a glass for each of us, we were in privacy. No one is able to find us unless they put some effort into searching for us. Him and I need to talk, that's why we're out here rather than inside.

He swiftly reached and took the unopened bottle from my hands. I had all intentions of opening the wine but apparently I didn't do it soon enough. Like the Finnish gentleman he is, he filled my glass before his glass. Once finished he tightly stuffed the cork in the hole and let the bottle rest in between him and I. Mind you there is less than a foot between us in the cloth woven swing we chose to sit in.

"It won't kill you to get closer to me." Jussi chuckled, not waiting for me. He put his arm around me and pulled me so I leaned on his chest.

Being this close to him might actually kill me.

"Are you happy now, Finnish Drummer Boy?"

"For now." He smirked.

"That's good enough." I sighed.

Being this close to him just flooded my mind with memories and feelings from the past. I found myself enjoying these memories and feelings; as well as enjoying being close to him once more.

Luckily, I didn't feel the blast from the past either. Welcoming Jussi without a warning were memories and a strong slap of guilt. That's what he gets; I'm not going to deny it.

"Love?"

"Hmm?"

"I heard you and Jacque." I growled silently.

"I should have known someone would have heard. In that case, I overheard a certain skank proposing to you."

"You're a mean woman." Jussi chuckled.

"She deserves it." I shrugged my shoulders and took a gulp of red wine.

"I don't see myself waiting for her in a tux while she wears a white dress."

I chuckled at how the thought made his eyes bulge. "Jussi, you don't even own dress slacks or a clean button down shirt."

"True; but what about you? Do you see yourself coming down an aisle dressed in white?"

"How can I? I just drove off the one person other than Jenna who can put up with me."

"Now that's not true," Jussi whispered in a soothing voice. "You have Bam and Missy."

"I think Missy can be scared of me sometimes."

"That's why she thinks you and Bam are a better match than him and her."

I looked up at Jussi. I scrunched my face in confusion. How come I never heard of that? Come to think of it, Missy would never tell me something like that. It feels better hearing it rather than her keeping it to herself; I bet Jussi wasn't suppose to tell me either. I can see Missy drunkenly telling him, forcing him to not say a word seconds after.

Sorry Missy, blame it on Jussi; he told me.

"Do you remember that I sent you flowers with that picture of the two of us?" I dug back to the back my head, barely remembering flowers but clearly remembering the picture he is talking about.

"I do."

"Do you still have the picture?"

"In a secret place, but yes."

"Do you remember that we went to your old neighbor's apartment just to see if you were really fifteen pounds lighter than the average weight?" I chuckled, remembering that clearly.

"I ended up being a hundred pounds."

The memory is actually a dark one. The same night I ended all ties why my brother Baltic. Ah well. It's apart of the past I've gotten over. Someone has finally written me as anorexic and my weight has never been higher than a hundred and ten pounds. Jussi doesn't need to necessarily know how much I weigh- I don't know how much I weigh now.

"Be honest Love." He drank his wine. "If there was no Krista, I answered your calls, I didn't cheat on you,-"

That made me smile a little.
He admitted he cheated on me.

"-Would you still call me your boyfriend?"

I had to think over his question. I just can't automatically say yes or no. If I say no he'll want to know why. If I say yes I bet he'll smile. I loved Jussi in my younger years. I loved him too much for our own good. True that I've shown a bit of resentment to him for cheating on me; but what does one expect? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn.

I remember Jussi being a tad depressed when I spent holidays with Bam. I specifically told him if he played his cards right we'd still have next year's holidays. There was nothing wrong with our relationship up until Beth's due date. We talked on regular basis, texted, and all that stuff. After the whole Katrinna incident I learned, keeping an eye on Jussi. Plus to make things worse, we were only together for a couple weeks before he left for tour.

"Yes." Right after speaking my mind I finished my glass of wine.

"Really?" Jussi looked surprised, delighted at the same time.

"Yes." I said again and refilled my glass.

"I'm sorry for what I did, Love."

That made me smile.
He finally apologized.

"I screwed up big time."

"Ya think?" I giggled.

"Antoinette, you're not helping."

"Pardon me, you can't blame me. You did cheat on me... twice if you remember."

"The first didn't really count."

All right. He won that one. The next one is mine.

"I do feel stupid for cheating on you Antoinette; both those times. Tours can do that to a man; turn him unfaithful. It's easy for others."

"That doesn't change much."

Jussi chuckled. "What will it take for me to have your trust?"

"So much more than you and I can imagine." I smirked.

Random, to him, I got up and took the wine bottle. Seconds later that yappy dog Harold bought his daughter found us. Jussi looked at me, impressed at how I could hear Nollia. He'd be amazed at how better his hearing would be if he didn't surround himself with his drums and loud speakers. But then again, if he didn't he wouldn't be a famous drummer.

Jussi followed me, behind him Nollia followed. We snuck back into the basement. I placed the half drank bottle of wine in the wine cellar and took the two now empty glasses upstairs with me. Jussi said his goodbye to me before I went up the stairs; he's forced to sleep down here with that skank of his. I almost feel bad for him. He deserves it. Though marriage is a little too... unlike Jussi. I don't think he'd be able to stand her.

I set our wine glasses by the sink then shut all the lights. I walked all around the house, locking the doors and turning on certain outside lights. I'm a little paranoid about burglary. Not that it's every happened it me. The fact of some stranger totally violating my space and scaring Claire brings out the motherly side of me.

I quietly walked along the wall up the stairs. I slipped into my room and just crawled into bed. Sometimes, sleeping with my jeans on puts me to sleep better than simple cotton fleece pajama bottoms. I have plenty of memories centered around sleeping in my clothes. The most uncomfortable being a prom dress- simply, do not ask any further questions.