Carved My Name

I hate when I have a large group of people staying over. One of them is the most obnoxious person that is doing a very good job at pressing my buttons. To get her back, I don't call her by her name. I call her 'you' and when she's not around 'skank'. Plus I don't even know her name. Though I didn't ask and no one introduced me to her.

A truly smart plan on that person's part. They must have known that I would do something... morbid if I got to know the name of the girl that Jussi left me for. They've been together for all those five years. I don't know how. All I know is that they're not married. Now, if they were, I'd be wanting to know a lot more.

Carrying a cutting knife with me, I went to my room. I'm not sure why I’m carrying the knife from the kitchen and going upstairs. I simply felt the need to go upstairs and of course I was too lazy to set the knife down before going upstairs. I bet it's the feeling of checking up on Claire. She's playing upstairs in my niece's room [her room for the moment] with Nollia. I opened the door and smiled to the girl. She didn't notice me at the door while coloring in a Disney Princess coloring book.

I softly closed the door without her hearing. In the bathroom I combed through my hair and touched up my make up. Turning off the light I didn't see the man dressed in dark colors standing in front of me. He touched my arm but I reacted and pushed him against the wall without anyone noticing or hearing. This is my chance. He's alone, I have something in my hand to freak him out with, and everyone is downstairs listening to Bam and Missy.

"I only want to talk to you Antoinette." I scoffed.

"When I wanted-no, NEEDED to talk to you, you didn't want to talk. You had five years to talk to me."

"I didn't know where-"

"I never changed my number Jussi. I never had a home phone. My email never changed. Don't tell me that you couldn't contact me. You knew full well who would keep me company."

"Antoinette, please give me a chance to exp-"

"A chance? You want a fucking chance? Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?" Jussi leaned his back fully against the wall. I put my free hand against the wall and used that as a support for when I leaned forward. "Let me tell you this Jussi Vuori: I loved you. I was crazy about you. I gave you my heart and my trust. I told you things I never told my family or my best friends. I thought I could trust you while we both were away. People asked me 'Aren't you worried?' I told them no. I trusted you with my heart. What did I get? I got fucking stabbed in the fucking heart on the worst fucking day of my fucking life."

Hmmm, four f-bombs in one sentence. I think that's a new record for me. My blue eyes immediately rushed to Claire's door. She's heard me curse before, I tell her not to pay attention to me when I'm mad. I don't want her to hear this. I love her, but I haven't grown the balls to tell her why there are certain people that I want to stab.

"Antoin-"

"Ten minutes of your time. That's all I wanted. To hear your voice. Yes, I did hear your voice. Did you listen to mine? Fuck no. You brushed me off just to go back to fucking that skank that I allowed into my brother's house. Tell me Jussi, did you ever love me? Or did you abuse the fact that I was young at the time?"

"Antoinette, Love, I did love you."

"I love you has eight letters in it. And you know what else has eight letters: bullshit. A mother fucking load of fucking bullshit. If you loved me like you claimed you wouldn't have cheated on me, you would have been more secretive on your affair, and you would have listened to at least five minutes of what I needed from you."

"I became tempted. You weren't there, I saw her more often, she came around and talked to me-" I let out a chuckle that ended up with me kicking the floor and getting mad.

"You're basically telling me that you didn't give a damn about me! She didn't tempt you! You fell for her!" I loudly said. Again I looked at Claire's door.

Jussi and I stood silent. I heard humming from Claire's room. I let out an inaudible sigh and turned to Jussi again. I glared it him and put my knife holding hand on my hip. I made sure he can see it gleaming in the light from those energy saving bulbs. I gave him a fake smile. It's time to tell him what he did to me.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to go back to Helsinki? Where there were so many memories? I sold that apartment under Ville's apartment. I quit my job with Henna and Tatiana. I needed a new start where people wouldn't know the reason of my newly developed problems."

"Newly developed?"

"I hoped you'd ask that. According to my therapist I suffer from a low level of schizophrenia, my level of trust has severely changed, I have a problem with letting people in my life, I can't let go of the past, I'm in the range of suicidal depression and someone has FINALLY legally pronounced me as anorexic! Oh and don't forget my anxiety, the way I need to have a daily schedule because I don't want life to control itself without my consent. I have so many new problems Jussi Vuori. I can't love any man. I push everyone away from me. I'm afraid of having history repeat itself. I truly, honestly, deeply, madly fucking hate you Jussi Vuori. I can't stand you. I wish I listened to my brother's words. I wish I took that offer in California. I would have never met your sorry ass; I might even be in a better place."

"Would you really take back all the time we spent together?" Jussi quietly said, looking me straight in the eye.

"Every single one of them. You probably didn't intend to, but you poisoned my heart then burned it. I was young at the time. Too young for you. But that's the past and I'm desperately trying to let myself let go of it. So here are my rules: One, your skank better not get all bitchy on me. I'm not afraid to kick her out of my brother's house and chop off those fake boobs. Two, stay away from Claire; you and your skank. Three, don't touch anything that belongs to me. And four, just don't talk to me. I'm in the works of moving on. It's been a long, tedious process.... Hold on, I just thought of one: be nice to Jacque. He's my business partner and whether you like it or not, he's going to be here a lot. Plus, keep your skank away from him. I don't need her stealing someone I care about again."

"Anything else?" He asked, rather impatiently.

"Yes, you follow those rules and the chances of me castrating you won't be so high."

I gave him my signature fake smile and rushed back to the kitchen. Doing my job in the kitchen, I made food for more than ten people. I noticed Bam smirking at me. He came up and gave me a kiss on the lips. We do that. Kiss each other. Missy doesn't care. She knows that Bam and I are each other's support system. Back to Bam, he didn't have to say a word. He heard every word I said to Jussi.

He looks rather proud of me.