Sequel: Untitled Two ›
Untitled
Chapter Nine
Fast forward to the day of the party. Everything has been going great. I’ve got about sixty guests coming and the entire bowling alley booked up just for them. I’ve also got family and some sad friends just to come and watch because they don’t want to make fools of themselves.
I decided that I should really be on time for my own party. And preferably actually be there before the guests are. So, after the lady that taught me subjects that I had got all A or A*s in had disappeared, I went along to the bowling alley.
This was a more eventful Tube journey than I described the other day when I was going to meet Eleanor. For a start, half the people who asked me for autographs actually knew that it was my birthday. Which was rather unnerving, and also very annoying. One guy, actually about my age, gave me a present of a bonsai tree. A rather overgrown bonsai tree. And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Which was sweet. As to which I had some chavs shouting “GAY” at me from across the street. I told them to fuck off and get a life. They recognised my voice, they disappeared. Oh, how I loved the radio. I then took the bus for the remainder of my journey to the bowling alley, walked two blocks and then arrived. Only the two Charlottes had arrived. I knew I was safe.
“HEEEYYYY!!” they shouted, presumably afraid that I wouldn’t have recognised them at all.
“HIII!” I replied, we seemed to be stood right next to each other but actually shouting as though we were 5 miles away, or had very bad hearing aids. The bowling alley was silent. And I decided to go and speak to the reception lady about actually announcing that I was here.
“Yes, I knew it was you.”
“Err..how?”
“Well because you’re not Darren are you? Or Josh?”
Fuck. Josh.
“How do you know those two?”
“Darren has 4 thousand friends on MySpace (I am one of them), and Josh is just a legend.”
Why had I invited Josh? WHY? I thought that I had deliberately missed him out of the address book. Never mind, I would just ignore him, he’d probably bring along that whore of a new boyfriend and I might end up getting with Darren with any luck, so that’s not really anything to worry about...honest. I kept on repeating that thought to myself as I walked back over to the two Charlottes. The two Charlottes now seemed to have materialised into a small clan of people that I generally know very well. Eleanor, Kate, Katie, Jenny, Beth. Kate had literally just pulled me to one side and had asked how things with Darren were going when The Said One walked in through the door. God, he was looking very fit. He was wearing baggy Levi’s with a rugged belt and a proper shirt that you can get from River Island and Converses. Sex On Legs.
I seemed to have stopped all thought patterns at that point as Kate was worried that I had had ice cream earlier and that I had developed severe brain freeze. When Darren just walked up to me and gave me a massive hug. Then he went and signed in at reception.
I wanted to faint.
I called over Eleanor.
“What?”
“I may have invited someone that I didn’t want to particularly.”
“Who? Darren? You love him!”
“No!!” I sighed.
“Oh fucking hell Richard,” Eleanor never swore, that was what made it worse when she did, “Why did you invite Josh?”
“I honestly don’t know!” My eyes were becoming a little moist.
“Oh Bloody Hell don’t you dare start crying, it makes me feel strange when men cry, they are there to fix shelves and perform pointless DIY, not crying.”
“Sorry,” I wiped away a tear, “I think I’ll go and freshen up.”
“Yes, you don’t want to look bad for him now do you?”
“No.”
I walked away from the crowd of people that it had now become. The general murmur of chatter had become even louder. I spent precisely 30 seconds in the bathroom wiping away tears and getting rid of the distraught look, and by the time I stepped back outside again everyone seemed to have had a child, as the numbers had multiplied again.
I asked if I could use the microphone behind the reception and the woman just handed me it so I used my classic joke to everyone.
“Anyone who is not here, will you please raise a hand?”
Everyone chuckled a bit.
“Good. Let me just do a head count.”
A few minutes later after some squirming from the crowd and some help from Darren because he was marginally better at maths, we came to the number of 59. Perfect.
“Aren’t there sixty though?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you invite Josh?” he suddenly asked, rather scaring me a little. Everyone else by this time had gone on to their lanes and were logging onto the little screens by the alley.
“Why do you think I’ve just been in the toilets trying to make myself not look as though I’m crying?”
“Because you cry alot?”
“No, because I made a horrible mistake in inviting him, I swear I didn’t mean to, honest.”
“Whoa, don’t be so apologetic, it’s perfectly alright, and if you get with him by the end of the evening, then everything’s back to what it was! And I’ll be happy for you.”
“NO!!” I shouted, making several people turn round in between their goes.
“What?”
“It’s you.”
“It’s me?”
“It’s you.”
“Really?”
“Yes!”
“WOW!”
He looked thrilled, so thrilled that I said that he could share my lane. Kate and Eleanor had saved me and him a lane for as and when we stopped kissing behind the toilets, as to that I pointed out that we hadn’t been. And Darren, who was already at the beginning of the lane about to throw said “Yet.”
I was ecstatic.
I decided that I should really be on time for my own party. And preferably actually be there before the guests are. So, after the lady that taught me subjects that I had got all A or A*s in had disappeared, I went along to the bowling alley.
This was a more eventful Tube journey than I described the other day when I was going to meet Eleanor. For a start, half the people who asked me for autographs actually knew that it was my birthday. Which was rather unnerving, and also very annoying. One guy, actually about my age, gave me a present of a bonsai tree. A rather overgrown bonsai tree. And then he gave me a kiss on the cheek. Which was sweet. As to which I had some chavs shouting “GAY” at me from across the street. I told them to fuck off and get a life. They recognised my voice, they disappeared. Oh, how I loved the radio. I then took the bus for the remainder of my journey to the bowling alley, walked two blocks and then arrived. Only the two Charlottes had arrived. I knew I was safe.
“HEEEYYYY!!” they shouted, presumably afraid that I wouldn’t have recognised them at all.
“HIII!” I replied, we seemed to be stood right next to each other but actually shouting as though we were 5 miles away, or had very bad hearing aids. The bowling alley was silent. And I decided to go and speak to the reception lady about actually announcing that I was here.
“Yes, I knew it was you.”
“Err..how?”
“Well because you’re not Darren are you? Or Josh?”
Fuck. Josh.
“How do you know those two?”
“Darren has 4 thousand friends on MySpace (I am one of them), and Josh is just a legend.”
Why had I invited Josh? WHY? I thought that I had deliberately missed him out of the address book. Never mind, I would just ignore him, he’d probably bring along that whore of a new boyfriend and I might end up getting with Darren with any luck, so that’s not really anything to worry about...honest. I kept on repeating that thought to myself as I walked back over to the two Charlottes. The two Charlottes now seemed to have materialised into a small clan of people that I generally know very well. Eleanor, Kate, Katie, Jenny, Beth. Kate had literally just pulled me to one side and had asked how things with Darren were going when The Said One walked in through the door. God, he was looking very fit. He was wearing baggy Levi’s with a rugged belt and a proper shirt that you can get from River Island and Converses. Sex On Legs.
I seemed to have stopped all thought patterns at that point as Kate was worried that I had had ice cream earlier and that I had developed severe brain freeze. When Darren just walked up to me and gave me a massive hug. Then he went and signed in at reception.
I wanted to faint.
I called over Eleanor.
“What?”
“I may have invited someone that I didn’t want to particularly.”
“Who? Darren? You love him!”
“No!!” I sighed.
“Oh fucking hell Richard,” Eleanor never swore, that was what made it worse when she did, “Why did you invite Josh?”
“I honestly don’t know!” My eyes were becoming a little moist.
“Oh Bloody Hell don’t you dare start crying, it makes me feel strange when men cry, they are there to fix shelves and perform pointless DIY, not crying.”
“Sorry,” I wiped away a tear, “I think I’ll go and freshen up.”
“Yes, you don’t want to look bad for him now do you?”
“No.”
I walked away from the crowd of people that it had now become. The general murmur of chatter had become even louder. I spent precisely 30 seconds in the bathroom wiping away tears and getting rid of the distraught look, and by the time I stepped back outside again everyone seemed to have had a child, as the numbers had multiplied again.
I asked if I could use the microphone behind the reception and the woman just handed me it so I used my classic joke to everyone.
“Anyone who is not here, will you please raise a hand?”
Everyone chuckled a bit.
“Good. Let me just do a head count.”
A few minutes later after some squirming from the crowd and some help from Darren because he was marginally better at maths, we came to the number of 59. Perfect.
“Aren’t there sixty though?”
“Yes.”
“Why did you invite Josh?” he suddenly asked, rather scaring me a little. Everyone else by this time had gone on to their lanes and were logging onto the little screens by the alley.
“Why do you think I’ve just been in the toilets trying to make myself not look as though I’m crying?”
“Because you cry alot?”
“No, because I made a horrible mistake in inviting him, I swear I didn’t mean to, honest.”
“Whoa, don’t be so apologetic, it’s perfectly alright, and if you get with him by the end of the evening, then everything’s back to what it was! And I’ll be happy for you.”
“NO!!” I shouted, making several people turn round in between their goes.
“What?”
“It’s you.”
“It’s me?”
“It’s you.”
“Really?”
“Yes!”
“WOW!”
He looked thrilled, so thrilled that I said that he could share my lane. Kate and Eleanor had saved me and him a lane for as and when we stopped kissing behind the toilets, as to that I pointed out that we hadn’t been. And Darren, who was already at the beginning of the lane about to throw said “Yet.”
I was ecstatic.