If you are not the one

Kyle and I stumbled laughingly into his apartment, drunk once again. I had been living here for two whole days already. I slammed the front door shut behind us, and Kyle turned around suddenly, a hungry expression on his face. I leaned breathlessly against the door, feeling nervous as he walked towards me.

“I love you, you know.”, he said softly, staring into my eyes before crushing his lips on mine.

I pulled his head closer, my hands tangling in his hair. His arms circled around my waist, pulling me closer and deepening the kiss. His lips moved to my jaw line, planting kisses all along it, and moved down to my neck. I shivered, goose bumps raising on my skin.

“Mmm, morning love.”, Kyle whispered when I stirred the next morning.

My whole body was aching, and my head was throbbing. I looked around the room, dazed and confused, feeling Kyle’s arms twined around me. I sat bolt upright as last night flashed through my mind. Oh no. Oh no. I started struggling frantically to get up, and his hold loosened as he stared at me in confusion. I jumped out of his bed, grabbing a towel that lay on the floor and wrapped it around me when I saw his eyes roaming.

“What’s wrong, babe?”, he asked sleepily from his bed.

My head was spinning sickeningly, and I felt ready to pass out. I wasn’t ready for this, not with him! I sat down on the floor shakily, my mind a complete blank.

“Babe?”

“Why? I wasn’t ready. You knew I wasn’t. I had told you that first night!”, I yelled, balling my fists.

“You were more than willing last night!”, he said, getting angry.

“I was drunk, for heaven’s sake! I didn’t know what I was doing!”

“It’s a bit late for regret now, angel. So get over it.”, he snapped, turning away from me.

“I hate you Kyle Smith!”, I yelled, storming out of his room.

I fell down on my bed, praying fervently that I didn’t get pregnant. I took a quick shower and dressed in a pair of sweats, and started with the work I had to do to finish high school.

“Shell, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone at you like that last night.”, Kyle said from the doorway.

“It’s okay, Kyle. What’s done is done.”, I sighed, turning back to my work.

“You should be finished with school in three or four months. That’s how long it took my one niece.”, he said before leaving.

Great. Four more months of working every day. I’m just going to work over the weekends as well, from early morning to late night, then maybe I’ll finish sooner.

By two o’ clock the next morning I had finished the rest of the junior work. Kyle had just carried on food and drinks as I worked non-stop. Luckily he didn’t have any classes yesterday, otherwise I wouldn’t have eaten at all. I felt satisfied with my work, and lay down tiredly on my bed after asking Kyle to mail it for me. I fell asleep quickly, my mind whirling with numbers and tenses.

“Shell.”

I groaned, rolling over and pulling the covers higher over my head. I heard his slight chuckle, and a moment later the bed sagged where he sat down. He pulled the covers away from my head, smiling brightly when I glared at him.

“I think fifteen hours of sleep is enough, you know. Besides, I’ve got something for you, and you should get some breakfast, or rather, lunch.”, he said with a smirk.

“What do you have for me?”, I asked, sitting up.

“I made you some toast and coffee, and the professor gave me your senior papers yesterday. I didn’t want to wake you, that’s why I waited until today.”, he said, handing me a plate of toast along with a mug of steaming coffee.

“Where’re the papers? Is it a lot of work? Did he explain to you I if I have to write exam, or what?”, I fired off the questions.

“They’re right here, and no, it’s the same as the rest of the seniors’ work. You have a month to do the work, and when the month is over, you’re writing exams with a private tutor.”, he answered.

“Thanks.”, I said, kissing his cheek.

He smiled and stood up, leaving me to eat in peace while I studied the work. I gulped down the scorching coffee, and showered quickly, dressed in a clean pair of sweats, and got to work.

I worked non-stop for the next few days, just stopping when I felt like I needed a shower, or to eat or get a few hours of sleep. I felt a deep satisfaction when I handed the papers to the professor.
“Wow, you sure work fast, kid.”, the professor said, sounding amazed.

“I know. I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible.”, I replied.

“Well, in that case, why don’t you come write your exams next week?”, he suggested.

“Really?! Are you serious?”, I gasped excitedly.

“You’re the first kid I’ve seen that’s excited about writing an exam, but yeah, I’m serious.”, he said with a smile.

“Thanks so much!”, I said as he handed me my schedule.

I ran out of the building, eager to get outside. The hot sun beat down on my head, and I lifted my face so that it caressed my skin. I walked home slowly, my hands shoved into my pockets. I kicked at the rocks, a big smile on my face.

“Hey, what are you looking so happy about?”, Kyle asked when I walked into the kitchen.

“I’m writing my exams next week.”, I said, pouring coffee.

“That’s great. You should go study. I’m off for the rest of the week and the next, so I’ll look after you again.”, he said, kissing my neck.

“Thanks.”, I said, smiling up at him.

I took my coffee to my room, and sat and studied for the rest of the day. I was writing my Math’s and English exams on Monday.

“Don’t you want to go out or something? You’ve been working the whole week, you have to have some fun too. Just for an hour or so?”, Kyle asked later, leaning against the door frame.

“Okay, just give me a sec. I wanna finish this math problem first, then we can go.”, I said, scribbling furiously.

I heard him shuffle away, whistling. I rolled my eyes and quickly finished the sum. I hadn’t smoked once since I started with finishing school, and I was proud of it. I quickly dressed in jeans and a shirt, slipping my feet into converses and pulling a brush through my hair.

“Ready to go?”, I asked, leaning against his wall.

“Yeah.”, Kyle replied, grabbing his car keys.

“Let’s call the guys, see if they wanna come with.”, I said while we drove, sending Carmen a message.
We reached the club after a few minutes, and walked in, Kyle with his arm around my shoulders and mine around his waist. Scott waved to us from one of the booths, and we went to join him.

“Hey Kyle, babe. How you doing?”, Scott asked when we sat down, resting with his arm on the back of my chair.

“Good, you?”, Kyle asked, glowering when Scott played with a strand of my hair.

“Not to bad, just missed Shell.”, he replied with a smirk.

The rest of the guys arrived after a while, and Scott went to order a round of shooters. I could tell that this was going to be a long night. Obviously Scott had told the barman to keep the shooters coming, because every time we downed, there arrived more. After an hour of this I could barely make out shapes, and I still had to study.

“We should probably get home.”, Kyle said after another round, giggling like a two-year-old.

“Bye guys.”, I said as I stood up.

We staggered to the car, and miraculously made it home without any problems. We giggled over everything as we walked up the stairs to the apartment. I helped Kyle to his room as I was the only one who could walk straight, and led him to his bed. He lost his balance, falling on top of me on the bed, and stared into my eyes.

“Shell.”, he whispered hoarsely before crushing his lips on mine.

His hands caressed my hips as he deepened the kiss, my own hands tangling in his hair as I pulled him closer.

After that second time, each night was the same. I studied and wrote my exams, and in the evenings we went out, coming back home, completely drunk. I started drinking more than usual, and had gone back to my smoking and cutting habits as Gerard and Lynn-Z’s wedding neared.

“Hey Amber.”, I sighed into my phone, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“How are you doing?”, she asked immediately.

That was the same question she asked every time she called, which was every day, sometimes even more than once a day.

“I’m good, how are you and Frankie doing?”, I asked as I got out of bed and started dressing.

“We’re doing great, as usual. Have you gone to see a psychiatrist yet?”, she demanded, bringing the talk back to me.

“No. I told you I don’t need a shrink, Amber.”, I snapped.

“You do, Shell. You’re depressed, I can hear it in your voice. You need to talk to someone. All your friends are worrying about you, and not even to mention your mom. She’s sick with worry.”, she said softly.

“I’m fine. Tell them they should stop worrying.”, I replied, walking to the kitchen and getting coffee.

“Shell, you know they won’t until you stop doing this to yourself. Are you and Kyle sleeping together?”, she asked bluntly.

“Yeah. Listen, I have to go get ready, I’m writing my last exam in forty minutes. I’ll talk to you later.”, I said and hung up quickly without bothering to wait for her reply.

I took a quick shower after gulping down the coffee, and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. My hair had grown a bit, hanging just below my shoulders. I pulled it into a ponytail and slipped my feet into my sneakers.

“I’m going now, I’ll see you in two hours.”, I said to Kyle.

“Okay, good luck babe!”, he called out.

I ran down the stairs and walked quickly to the building. As soon as I walked in, the professor gave me the Biology paper, and I started scribbling furiously. This had always been my most difficult subject, that’s why I wrote it last.

“Your time is up, Miss Martins.”, the professor said two hours later just as I finished answering the last question.

I sighed with relief when I handed it in, and barely contained the shout of joy that bubbled in my throat. I was finally free! I was finished with high school and I could do what I wanted now. I went to sit outside in the sun, far away from the building and the milling students. My phone rang after a few minutes.

“Hey Amber.”, I answered.

“Hey, how does it feel being finished with high school?”, she asked cheerfully.

“It feels great.”, I replied, smiling slightly.

“Mikey sends his love. The girls and I had driven up to the guys for the weekend, and they all send their love as well. Do you want me to put you on speaker phone?”, she asked.

“Sure.”
“Hey Shell! We miss you so much!”, I heard them yell over the phone.

“Hey guys, I miss you too.”, I said sadly.

I could hear Mikey and the guys laughing in the background, but one laugh stood out above the others. Gerard’s. I missed him so much.

“Why don’t you come up too? It’ll be so much fun.”, Chelsea pleaded.

“Sorry Chels, but I don’t belong there anymore.”, I replied.

“Don’t be silly, of course you do!”, she said heatedly.

“Yuck, Thing has arrived.”, I heard Amber whisper loudly.

“I have to go. Send my love to the guys.”, I said quickly.

“Wait Shell,”, Amber said, and I heard the click as she took me off of speakerphone, “You’ll be receiving a wedding invitation from them. I told the Thing not to send you one, but she insisted. I tried to stop her.”, Amber said quietly.

“Oh. When is it?”, I asked softly.

“It’s in three weeks. Sorry, but I have to go. She’s coming over here. I’ll talk to you later.”, she said hurriedly and hung up.

It was on my eighteenth birthday. I put my phone back in my pocket, buried my head in my hands, and sobbed. I cried until I was sure there weren’t any tears left. And then I started walking. I just walked while the tears streamed silently down my face, until it got dark. Only then did I turn back, hurrying through the dark trees.

I sighed with relief when I reached the apartment, and heard banging coming from inside. I opened the door quietly, and sneaked in. The noises seemed to be coming from the kitchen, and I heard Kyle curse loudly, staggering around.

“Kyle?”, I asked hesitantly from the doorway.

He whirled around, his eyes completely bloodshot and wild. His face was a bright red, his expression murderous. He was high on something, that much was obvious. Only then did I notice the three or four empty bottles on the counter. He was swaying, and staggered towards me, his hands balled into fists at his sides.

“K-Kyle?”, I stammered, moving quickly backwards until I was trapped against the wall.

I saw him lift his fist, and closed my eyes, waiting for the blow.

“Never.”, he growled, sending the fist into my face, connecting it hard with my jaw.

“Come.”, he growled again, hitting me under my chin, sending my head smacking into the wall.

“Late.”, another blow to my face, my lip bursting.

“Home.”, fist on my eye.

“Again.”, he growled, sending me to the ground when his fist connected again.

I finally let out the scream that I’ve been holding back. He started kicking me in my back and on my legs, my arms, until I couldn’t feel anymore. I spit out blood on to the carpet, blood streaming down my face. The kick he sent to my head made me lose consciousness, and I sank into the dark pit.

“Ugh. What am I doing in the living room?”, I mumbled under my breath when I woke up the next morning.

I stood up, and became aware of my body throbbing in numerous places, my head feeling as if it was ready to explode. I walked slowly to my room, and stopped dead when I walked past the full-length mirror. I looked in shock at my face. It was covered in dry blood, purple bruises already visible. I quickly went to lock my door before taking off my clothes to examine my body. It was filled with bruises as well, and last night flashed into my mind.

Me coming home after staying and crying, walking around until dark. Kyle screaming and hitting me, sending me to the floor and kicking me. I had been abused, brutally.

I hurried to my bathroom, taking a long shower. The hot water helped to stop the aching. I got out and wrapped myself carefully in a towel, brushing out my hair. Maybe he was sorry, and everything will just go back to normal. Maybe he didn’t mean it. He was drunk and high on some drug, that’s why he did it. He wasn’t aware of what he was doing. I tried to reassure myself while I dressed quickly, and went to search for Kyle.

“What happened to you?!”, he demanded when I walked out of my room.

I stared at him incredulously. He looked confused and furious as he looked at my face.

“You don’t remember?”, I asked coldly.

“Remember what?”, he asked.

“You did this.”, I snapped, rushing past him to the kitchen.
“Why would I do something like that?”, he asked angrily, coming in after me.

“You know, that’s a very good question. Although I do recall you screaming at me that I should never come home late again. Does that ring a bell?”, I said sarcastically.

I saw the blood drain out of his face, and turned to pour coffee into a mug. I turned back around, and leaned against the counter, watching him through the steam coming from the mug. He was staring at me, his face filled with horror.

“I’m so sorry.”, he whispered softly, running out of the kitchen.

A moment later I heard the front door slam shut. I sighed, and sat down on the kitchen table, running my hands through my hair. I would have to cancel my plans with my mom for tonight. There was no way that I would be able to explain why I looked like this, and the falling down the stairs thing wouldn’t work, because she knows I’m not the clumsy type.

“Hey mom, it’s Shell.”, I said when she picked up.

“Hello dear.”, she said, happy to hear from me.

“I have to cancel our plans for tonight, I have the flu.”, I lied quickly, faking a cough.

“Oh, that’s terrible. Is Kyle looking after you?”, she asked.

“Yes, mom. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Love you.”, I said.

“I love you too, dear.”, she said, and I hung up.

I walked back to my room, and stared out the window overlooking the campus. All the students looked so carefree and happy, and here I was, beaten up and depressed. I pulled the curtains close and went to lie down on my bed, taking the bottle that I hid under it out, and taking a big gulp. The brandy slid down my throat, burning my stomach. I started smoking, the one after the other until the whole pack was empty, and I eventually passed out.

XXX

Kyle hadn’t hit me again, but we weren’t talking either. Whenever one of us entered the room, the other one hurried out with a mumbled excuse. But the last few days we had started making friends again, and the bruises were almost completely gone.

“Happy birthday!”, Kyle yelled loudly from my doorway, making me wake up and yelp in fright.
He laughed loudly, and came into the room, sitting down on my bed. He was carrying the biggest muffin I had ever seen, and a mug of steaming coffee. I tried to smile at him, but today was the big day. He kissed my cheek softly, and left me alone. I quickly called Amber, before she could call me and start singing.

“Hey birthday girl!”, she yelled into the phone.

“Hi. Are you going to the wedding?”, I asked, immediately getting down to business.

“Yes, of course. Why?”, she asked, her voice confused.

“Will you send me a message when they’re married? And please don’t ask me why, because I don’t even know myself.”, I lied quickly.

“Uhm, sure I will. Is everything all right?”, she asked worriedly.

“Yes, but I’m leaving Kyle today. It isn’t working out between us.”, I said softly.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Listen, I have to go get ready. I’ll let you know when it’s over, and talk to you later, okay?”, she said.

“Yeah. I love you, Amber. You’re my best friend.”, I said.

“Love you too, Shell. You’ll always be my best friend. Bye.”, she said and hung up.

I stood up and got dressed, ignoring the muffin on my bed.

“Kyle, I’m going for a walk. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but don’t worry about me.”, I told him when I walked past the kitchen.

“Okay. See you later.”, he called.

I walked down the stairs, and walked in the direction of the mall, along the highway. I called my mom, willing my voice not to crack.

“Hey mom.”

“Happy birthday darling. Remember we’re going out tonight.”, she reminded me.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. I love you mom.”, I said, faking cheerfulness.

“I love you too, sweetheart. I’m still busy with the preparations, so I’ll talk to you later.”, she said, and we hung up.

When I was halfway to the mall, I sat down, closing my eyes as I listened to the cars rush by. The drivers probably thought I was crazy, sitting on the side of the highway with my eyes closed.

I don’t know for how long I sat there, waiting for Amber’s message. When it came through, it was noon.

“It’s over. Thinking of you. Everyone sends their love. See you tonight.”, it read.

I stood up, sighing, and knowing that no one will be seeing me tonight. I walked to the curb, taking a deep breath, and closed my eyes before stepping onto the highway. I walked slowly, my eyes still closed. I didn’t want to see my death approaching. The cars honked loudly, and I decided to stand still when I opened my eyes and saw a truck coming. The driver wasn’t looking at the road, so he didn’t see me standing on the road.

The cars started honking louder, and I saw the man look up, his face horrorstricken when he saw me. He didn’t have enough time to stop, and I looked straight into his eyes.

“It’s finally over. I love you, Gee.”, I whispered, closing my eyes.

I felt the truck hit me, and I flew through the air, feeling as if every bone in my body was broken. I crashed to the ground, and heard people shouting from far away.

‘Why was I still conscious?’, I thought numbly.

I could hear the sirens of the ambulance, and then a jolt ran through my body, and everything went black.