If you are not the one

One Month Later

Things between me and Gerard had worsened over the last month, especially about Lynn-Z coming back into his life. I could literally feel the relationship coming to an end, but I wasn’t going to be the one doing it.

I was lying on my bed, thinking over how our relationship had changed in the last month and few weeks, when my phone rang. It was Gerard. My heart thumped uncomfortably, my palms breaking out in a sweat.

“He-hello?”, I stammered, clutching the phone.

“Shell, we need to talk.”, Gerard said seriously.

“I know.”, I said softly.

“Baby, I love you, but this just isn’t going to work out. I know you’re hurting, and believe me, I’m hurting too, but it’s better this way, for both of us. Maybe someday we’ll –“

“No! Don’t say it, Gee, please.”, I said forcefully, interrupting him.

“Uh, okay. Listen, I still want to be friends with you, all right? But I’ll understand if you want some space first.”, he said.

“I want the space.”, I said quietly.

“I understand. Let me know then when you’re ready to be friends again. Take care, Shell, and I love –“

“Bye, Gee, you too.”, I interrupted him again, and hung up.

I didn’t feel anything as I sat on my bed, staring into nothingness. Who knows when it’s going to hit me, if ever. I stood up and rummaged behind my closet for the bottle when I could feel the pain coming. I locked my door, closed my curtains, and lay down on my bed, taking the first swig from the bottle. I gasped as it burned down my throat. Twenty minutes later the bottle was halfway.

“Hello?”, I answered, giggling hysterically when my phone rang.

“Shell? What’s going on with you?”, Mikey demanded, his voice filled with worry.

“Nothing. What’s going on with you?”, I asked sarcastically, taking another swig out of the bottle.

“Don’t lie to me. I know Gerard had dumped you.”, Mikey said harshly.
“So? Why are you reminding me?”, I snapped, burping loudly.

That started me giggling again, and I could hear Mikey sigh irritably on the other end of the line.

“Shell, you’re drunk again, aren’t you?”, he asked.

“Yeah, and so what if I am. Don’t you dare tell Gerard, Michael Whitaker! I will skin you alive.”, I threatened.

“Whatever, Shell. Fine, I won’t tell Gerard this time, but if I find out that you’ve been drinking again, I will tell him, and you’re parents. Do you understand me?”, he demanded.

“Yeah, whatever Whitaker. G’bye.”, I said and hung up, emptying the rest of the bottle and passing out on my bed.

I had a serious hangover the next morning when I woke up, but luckily I didn’t have to bolt to the bathroom again. My head throbbed, and I stood up shakily, walking to the bathroom, and filling a glass with water. I chugged down the Grandpa, and took a cold shower. That helped for the headache tremendously. I dressed quickly in my most comfortable and worn sweats and walked downstairs. My cell phone rang again, and I saw it was Kyle.

“Don’t wanna talk to you.”, I snapped, closing the phone.

I made myself a big cup of coffee, and fell down in front of the TV, ignoring my phone when it continued ringing non-stop for the next twenty minutes. I finally stripped myself, and went to see who was trying to irritate the hell out of me.

“What do you want, Amber?”, I sighed, answering the phone.

“I heard about what had happened yesterday.”, Amber said softly.

“Oh. Yeah, well, it’s better this way.”, I told her, trying to believe myself.

“You know you don’t believe that.”, she said forcefully.

“I know. But what can I do, Amb? It’s over between us.”, I said, and started sobbing.

“Shell, I’ll be right over, all right?”, she said and hung up.

About twenty minutes later the doorbell rang, and I went to answer it. Amber rushed in when she saw me, and pulled me into a tight hug. She stroked my hair as I cried, not saying anything, because really, what could she say?

“I swear I am going to kill him with my own bare hands.”, she hissed, leading me back to the kitchen.
She poured us both coffee and sat down next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders. We didn’t say anything while I cried, and eventually only a few sobs still escaped. It felt as if there was a hole where my heart had been.

“We’ll find someone better for you, Shell.”, she said comfortingly.

“No. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve always loved him, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. Just don’t let Kyle find out, please.”, I pleaded.

“Of course. I guess you’re right, though. If Frankie and I broke up, I wouldn’t want anyone else either. Did I tell you, we’re engaged. We’re going to announce it when I graduate from high school.”, Amber said dreamily.

“That’s great, Amber. I’m really happy for you.”, I said softly, squeezing her hand and trying my best to smile.

“Thanks Shell. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and could ever ask for. You will be my maid of honor, right?”, she asked, her eyes shining with excitement.

“Of course I will.”, I replied.

“Thanks. I have to go now, my mum said I must be quick. I’ll see you later, okay?”, she said.

I nodded, and she bent to kiss my cheek before going back home. I walked slowly up the stairs to my room until I was in front of my full-length mirror. I stared at my waist-length hair, shimmering red in the light. Gee had always said how much he loved my hair, and that I should never cut it. I smiled before turning to find my purse, and walked to the nearest hair salon.

“Hi, do you maybe have an opening now?”, I asked to the girl behind the counter.

“Sure. I’ll show you where you can go for the hair wash.”, she said, leading me to the back room.

One of the other people washed my hair, and led me to the chairs. I sat down, feeling suddenly nervous about what I was going to do. The lady who was going to cut my hair arrived then.

“Hi, and what would you like to do with your hair today?”, she asked.

“I want to cut it. Just above my shoulders with a fringe. And I want to color it black with red highlights.”, I said, watching her face turn in horror.

“But you have such lovely hair!”, she exclaimed, shaking her head and getting to work.

Three hours later I paid and walked back home, feeling satisfied. I walked past the pharmacy, and went in, searching for razor blades. I found them, bought them, and walked to the café where I bought a packet of cigarettes and next the liquor store where I bought three bottles Demerara River rum. The guy behind the counter didn’t say anything, but looked at me weirdly.

“What are you looking at?”, I snapped before walking out, the bottles burning in my bag.

When I got home I threw all my clothes out of my closet, and carried it to my bathroom, throwing into the bath filled with black colorants. I lighted a cigarette while I waited for the time to pass before I could take out the clothes.

A while later I took out the clothes and went to hang them on the washing line, all of them now a brilliant black. I walked back into the house, going on my fifth cigarette now. Next in the bath were my bed covers. Luckily my walls were white, so I wasn’t going to bother with them. I had already consumed half a bottle of the rum when my phone rang.

“What?”, I hissed when I saw it was Kyle calling.

“Hey babe, I missed you too. I was wondering if you felt like going out tonight. The guys and me wanna go to the bowling alley, and they’re all bringing girl friends, so I thought I’d ask you.”, he said.

It was on the tip of my tongue to recline when I decided against it. Why should I sit at home like I don’t have a life when my ex-boyfriend is having fun with other girls.

“Sure.”, I replied.

“Oh, oka – What?!”, he exclaimed, and I giggled.

“I said sure. Come pick me up at eight. See ya.”, I said and hung up before he could get in another word.

“What did you do to your hair?!”, Kyle yelled when I opened my front door.

“Cut it.”, I said with a shrug, pulling the door close behind me.

“Why did you do that?”, he moaned as we walked to his car.

“Because I felt like it, okay?”, I snapped, getting into the car.

“Okay. It does look kind of cool actually. I like your new look, it suits you.”, he said as we drove off.

“Thanks.”, I replied, taking out my phone to tell my mom that I was out.

“So, how’s it going with you and Gerard?”, he asked casually.

I stiffened, and took the rum out of my bag, taking a big swig before replying, and ignoring his surprised look.

“Just great.”, I replied sarcastically.

“So – you’re not together anymore?”, he asked, and I heard the hopefulness in his voice.

“Nope.”, I said, popping my lips.

“Great.”, I heard him say under his breath.

I grunted, took another swig and held the bottle out to him.

“Thanks.”, he said, gulping it down.

The rest of the drive was silent. I stared out the window at the night sky.

“Hey Kyle, who’s that babe?”, a cute guy with black hair and green eyes asked when we walked into the bowling alley.

“Her name is Shell. Shell, this is Peter and Carmen, Jack and Wendy, and Scott.”, Kyle said, pointing to each one as he said their names, lastly pointing to the one with the black hair and green eyes.

“Hey.”, I greeted them.

I was feeling bold and confidant after emptying the bottle. Luckily I wasn’t one of those people who had trouble walking when they were drunk. Scott attached himself to my one side, while Kyle stood on the other.

“Heya baby.”, Scott whispered while we walked to the aisle where we were playing.

“Hey yourself.”, I said with a giggle.

“Dude, did you make her drunk or something?”, Scott said with a smirk.

“Nah, she made herself drunk.”, Kyle replied, taking a ball.

For a few hours we played, sneaking alcohol when the security guys weren’t watching. By now the guys were so drunk they could barely stand upright, and were laughing for the tiniest thing. Kyle wasn’t quite so drunk as the rest of them, but he was close to it. It started getting hot in the alley, so I took off my hoodie, revealing the tight black T-shirt I was wearing. Scott wolf whistled, and that set the guys off again.

“We should go.”, Kyle said urgently, out of the blue.
“Dude, why? We’re having so much fun!”, Scott complained.

“Fine, come with us, but we need to go, NOW.”, Kyle said, tugging my hand.

Scott sighed and stood up, got a wicked grin on his face and spanked me. I gave a little yelp of surprise, and we started giggling. I turned around to say goodbye to the other guys, giving them hugs and to the girls as well. Suddenly I saw a pair of familiar hazel eyes staring at me.

“Gee.”, I whispered, the short skirt I was wearing was suddenly making me uncomfortable.

It looked like he didn’t recognize me, and of course he wouldn’t. I was wearing heavy eyeliner and my hair was different, and I was wearing clothes that I wouldn’t have been seen dead in when we were still dating, and before that. He stared into my eyes, and recognition dawned on his face, along with a look of horror. His eyes traveled down from my face and zeroed in on the cuts on my arms.

“Damn.”, I cursed under my breath, grabbing my hoodie and pulling it on.

“No, babe, what did you do that for?”, Scott whined loudly.

“Shut up, Scott.”, I hissed turning my back on Gerard who was still staring at me.

Lynn-Z was nowhere in sight, and I wondered where she was, until I saw her come from the direction of the bathrooms. I grabbed Kyle’s hand and literally dragged him out of there, stumbling a bit.

“Shell wait!”, I heard Gerard yell as we hurried to the car.

“Run!”, I yelled to Kyle, and we broke into a sprint, jumping into the car.

The tires squealed as we drove off, and I watched Gerard stand on the sidewalk, staring after the car. I started laughing hysterically, pulling off my hoodie again. Kyle stopped at a lookout point near the beach, and turned to look at me.

“Shell, I want to know why you’re cutting yourself.”, he said after a few minutes.

“It’s not really any of your business, Kyle. I can do what I want.”, I snapped, turning away from him.

“Fine, it’s your body.”, he said just as my phone started ringing.

“What the hell do you want, Gerard?”, I hissed, answering the phone.

“I’m coming to your house right now, and you’d better be there!”, he yelled.
“What if I’m not?”, I taunted.

“I’ll have to give you and Kyle up to the cops. You’re still underage, and you’re not supposed to be drinking. I’m going to be at your house in ten minutes, and if you’re not there, you’re sleeping in a cell tonight.”, he snapped angrily.

“How DARE you threaten me, Gerard?!”, I yelled.

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Shelley.”, he said softer.

“I don’t need you looking out for me. See you in ten.”, I snapped, shutting the phone.

“Drive if you don’t want to spend your night in a police cell.”, I said to Kyle.

The word police seemed to trigger something in his brain, because he immediately started the car and sped to my house. We were there before Gerard, and I led Kyle into the living room while I went to change into a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. I heard the doorbell ring and the front door opening. I raced down the stairs, scared that they would start fighting.

Gerard was huffing angrily, his face red and blotchy while Kyle leaned casually against the wall, a smug smile on his face. I looked from the one to the other, wondering what had happened.

“I’ll go make some coffee.”, I said quickly, walking to the kitchen.

I heard footsteps behind me, but didn’t turn around to see who it was until I got the kitchen. It was Gerard, of course. I closed the door behind him and went to fill the kettle. I leaned against the counter, my face defiant as I glared at him, waiting for him to begin his ranting.

“Well?”, I said impatiently when he still didn’t say anything.

He sat down heavily at the kitchen table, his shoulders sagging as he stared at my arms as though he could see through the cotton of my top. I turned around, feeling self-conscious, and started taking out the mugs.

“Why are you doing this?”, he asked, his voice thick.

“What are you talking about?”, I asked, still with my back to him.

“Drinking, cutting yourself, cutting off your beautiful hair when you promised you wouldn’t ever do it.”, he listed.

“I’m not the only one here who has broken a promise, Gerard.”, I snapped, whirling around to face him, my eyes blazing with anger.

He had the decency at least to look ashamed, and looked away from me. I slammed the pot of coffee on the counter, along with the bowl of sugar. I heard the chair scrape against the floor when he stood up, and a moment later I felt his arms twine around my waist. I almost sighed with happiness that he was touching me again, but recollected myself just in time.

“Why are you doing this to me?”, I whispered, pulling out of his hold.

“I don’t know. I still care about you, but Lynz – “

“Don’t say her name in front of me!”, I snapped, turning away from him.

The door opened and Kyle stormed in, coming to stand beside me and glaring at Gerard. His arm circled around my waist protectively, and Gerard’s eyes narrowed.

“I think you should go now, Whitaker. The stage is mine.”, Kyle said coldly.

“If you love her so much, then why are you letting her drink and cut herself?”, he asked.

“I’m going to do my best to heal what you’ve broken. And I didn’t find out until tonight, now get out.”, he said.

Gerard stared at me for a few minutes before walking out the door. When I heard the front door close, I sank to the floor, my whole body racking with sobs. Kyle sat down next to me, and held me tightly, stroking my hair and whispering comforting words in my ear.

“Kiss me.”, I whispered through my tears, staring up at him.

He smiled slightly, and lowered his head, pressing his lips softly against mine. My hands tangled in his hair as I pressed myself closer to him. He deepened the kiss, his arms circling around my waist and pulling me into his lap. He pulled away after a few minutes, and rested his forehead against mine, breathing hard.

“I should go.”, he whispered.

“Kyle – what exactly is our relationship now?”, I asked softly, staring into his eyes.

“I would like to think that we’re together now.”, he replied hopefully.

“Okay.”, I said with a slight smile, and kissed him softly.

I walked him to his car, acting happy and cheerful, when inside I felt like I had died. I waved until I couldn’t see him anymore, and ran up to my room, locking the door behind me. I took out the bottle of rum from behind my closet and the box of blades.

I drank half of the bottle before starting to cut myself. I walked to the bathroom, washed off the blood, and sat down, emptying the rest of the bottle. A few minutes later I passed out, falling sideways on the floor.