If you are not the one

I hurriedly hid the bottle beneath my bed when I heard the knock on my bedroom door. My father was out on a business trip again, and Kevin was back at college again after visiting over Christmas. So it could only be my mom.

“Come in.”, I called out, pretending to be reading.

I heard the door open, and only looked up when I felt the bed sag from her weight. The book fell out of my hand when I saw her expression. The only other time she had looked like this was when my grandfather had died of a brain tumor. My hands started shaking uncontrollably as I stared at her. she looked emotionally drained, her eyes were red and puffy. Her eyes held no emotion at all, they were completely blank, but tears were still streaming down her cheeks silently.

“Mom?”, I asked hesitantly, taking her hand.

She turned her head to look at me, but it seemed that she wasn’t really seeing me, or anything at all for that matter.

“Dad is – he – plane crash.”, she stammered, seeming confused.

My heart started beating frantically, my mind refused to make any sense out of what I had just heard.

“What – what do you mean?”, I asked hesitantly, even though it was beginning to sink in.

“He’s dead, Shell. He’s never coming back.”, she cried hysterically, covering her face with her hands.

I stood up, walking to the phone to call the doctor and ask him to bring my mother something to calm her down. Next I called Amber.

“Amber, can you please get my homework for me for the rest of the week? I’ll come get it at your house after school every day.”, I asked when she answered.

“Sure. Why aren’t you coming to school?”, Amber asked.

“Uhm, my dad died in a plane crash.”, I said softly.

“Oh, Shell! I’m so sorry!”, she exclaimed, and I could hear the tears in her voice.

“It’s okay. I, uh, better go now, the doctor’s almost here. I’ll see you tomorrow after school.”, I said quickly.

“Okay. Do you want me to tell the guys?”, she asked softly.

“Yes please, if you don’t mind. But don’t tell Gerard, please, Amber.”, I pleaded.

“Okay, but I still think he has a right to know.”, she said sternly.

“He had lost every right of knowing something about me when he dumped me for Lynn-Z.”, I snapped, anger suddenly boiling inside of me.

“Shell, I think he still cares for you. I know he left you for Thing, but we all hope that he’ll come to his senses. I know Mikey is furious with him, and with you actually as well. And I think you should go see a psychiatrist.”, she said.

“Why the hell would I go see a shrink?!”, I demanded.

“Because I know what you’ve been doing. You’ve changed a lot over the past two months, you changed your physical appearance, you come to school with a hangover almost everyday, and you’re cutting yourself like some weird emo freak. You’re asleep in all your classes, and I’m pretty sure it’s because of Kyle’s friends. They’re a bad influence on you.”, she scolded.

“Amber, just so you know, I’ve started doing it before I even met his friends. Though they did make it a bit worse, but I couldn’t care less. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go, the doctor is here.”, I said quickly.

“Okay then, bye.”, Amber said and hung up.

I went to open the door, and led the doctor to my room where my mother was still sobbing. I left them alone, and went to the den to watch some TV, but decided to call Kyle.

“Hey babe, how you doing?”, he answered.

“I’ve been better. Can we go out tonight?”, I asked.

“Sure. I’ll come pick you up at eight, and then we can decide where to go. I’m kind of busy right now, so I’ll talk to you later.”, he said.

“Uhm, okay. Bye.”, I said, a feeling of loneliness suddenly overwhelming me.

“Bye babe.”, he said and hung up.

I fell back onto the couch, waiting impatiently for the doctor to finish with my mom so I could take her back to her room and get the blades. I needed to do it soon, and my whole body was begging for a cigarette. Luckily I had some of them in my pocket, so I went outside, and lit one of them, inhaling deeply. I immediately felt myself calm down enough to last a while longer, and went to call Kevin.

“Kevin, it’s Shell.”, I said when he answered.

“Yeah?”, he asked impatiently.

“Can you come home?”, I asked softly.

“Why the hell would I do that, you weird emo freak?”, he snapped.

“Because our father is dead!”, I yelled into the phone, and slammed it back on its cradle.

A second later it ran again, and I picked it up.

“What do you want, you pathetic little wimp?”, I hissed.

“Shell, I’m so sorry, if I had known – listen, Alecia is busy packing our things, we’ll be on the first flight there is, and I’ll see you tomorrow, all right? Send my love to mom.”, he replied hurriedly.

“Whatever.”, I said acidly, slamming the phone down.

I was so irritated that I had to go smoke another one. My face felt hot, and tears smarted in my eyes. I leaned against one of the trees, sinking down to the ground, and buried my face in my hands. I knew I wanted Gerard to be here, I needed him to be here. The tears streamed silently off of my cheeks when I thought about my dad’s loving face. I missed him so much. We were so angry at each other before he had left, and we hadn’t made up, now I would never have the chance to do that.

I heard a car drive off, and walked back to my room. My mom was sleeping peacefully on my bed, although her eyes were still puffy and there were red blotches on her face. I took the bottle into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I took a few gulps before I got in the shower, and stood under the water for an hour, washing away the blood before I got out. I pulled on my skinny jeans and a black long sleeved shirt, slipped my feet into my black converses, grabbed my jacket and the packet of cigarettes, and walked softly down the stairs. Just then the doorbell rang, and I hurried to the front door, pulling it open.

“Hey.”, I greeted Kyle, slipping out and closing the door behind me.

“Hey babe.”, he said, kissing me roughly.

I could smell the alcohol on his breath, but didn’t comment on it. We got into the car, and started driving, not talking.

“So, where do you want to go?”, he asked after a while.

“The beach.”, I answered immediately.

It was the only place where I could clear my mind. The sound of the waves crashing was soothing to me, and I loved the way the air smelled. I took out the packet, holding it out to him, and took one myself. I lighted our cigarettes, and inhaled deeply, flicking the ashes out the window. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Kyle about my dad. He just wasn’t that kind of person. I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell Gerard, he would have seen that something horrible was wrong, but Kyle didn’t see or care about things like that.

“What’s with you and the beach?”, he huffed impatiently when we got there, and I jumped out.

“I just love it.”, I said, not explaining further.

“Why can’t we go to a club or something?”, he whined, and I grounded my teeth in irritation.

“I don’t feel like hard music and dancing tonight, Kyle.”, I said, and walked down the beach to the edge of the water.

I pulled of my converses, and sat down, letting the water lick at my feet as I watched the waves come rolling in and crashing. I rested my head on my knees, staring out at the sea. I didn’t move when I heard him sit down next to me, and heard him take a gulp out of a bottle. He held it out to me, and I took a big gulp. It didn’t burn my throat anymore like it used to, I had grown accustomed to it.

“So babe, have you talked to your parents about finishing school over the post?”, he asked after a while.

“Yeah.”, I whispered, remembering that I did the day before my dad left.

“I guess they said no, huh?”, he said, putting his arm around my shoulder.

“I’m going to talk to my mom again when she wakes up. I’ll easily change her mind now.”, I said numbly, taking the bottle from him and taking another swig.

“You make it sound as if something has changed that will make her change her mind.”, he said confused.

“There did.”, I answered evasively.

“What?”

“My dad died.”, I answered, my voice without any emotion.

“Oh, sorry about that.”, he replied, shifting uncomfortably.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Make some space in your apartment for me so long, I’m moving out as soon as the funeral is over.”, I muttered.

We were quiet for a while, and I leaned my head against his shoulder, needing the sudden comfort. I didn’t get it, because it wasn’t the shoulder I needed, and the arm around my middle wasn’t the one I needed. The sun started setting, and I stayed still until it was completely dark before I pulled his head to mine, and kissed him.

He pushed me back down on the ground, lying on top of me and deepening the kiss, not caring that we were getting soaked. I pulled him closer until his entire weight was resting on me, my hands tangling in his messy blond hair. His hands explored the soft skin of my hips, but they didn’t leave a trail of fire like Gerard did. I pushed him off when his hands got to high, and stood up, rubbing off the sand.

“Shell, what now?”, he whined, pulling me against his body when he stood up as well.

“I want to go home now.”, I said softly, staring up into his eyes.

“Okay, I’ll take you home.”, he sighed, lacing his fingers through mine and pulling me along to his car.

We were silent on the drive home, and I lighted another cigarette. A strange car was standing in our driveway when we got home, and I jumped out, walking quickly to the front door. I cursed myself for forgetting to turn on the porch light, and fumbled for my keys, feeling jumpy.

“Shell.”, I heard someone say softly right next to my ear, and screamed loudly.

“What the hell?!”, the guy yelled, clamping his hand over my mouth.

Kyle had already drove off, not even bothering to check that I got safely into the house. I jammed my elbow into the guy’s stomach as the door slammed open, and turned around, ready to punch his face when I saw it was Mikey, gasping for breath and holding his stomach.

“Mikey! I’m so sorry!”, I yelled, pulling him into a hug, sobbing.

“Hey, shh, shh, it’s all right, I’m fine. Come on, let me get you inside.”, he said softly, pulling me into the house and closing the door behind us.

I sank to the ground on the place, holding myself as I stared blankly at the wall.

“Shell, what’s going on?”, Mikey asked worriedly, trying to tug my arm away from my body.

I clutched tighter, but he managed to pry my arm away from me, and pushed up my sleeve. I heard him growl angrily, and he pulled me up roughly, dragging me behind him to the kitchen.

“Right, I’m calling Gee.”, he snapped, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket.

“No!”, I yelled, smacking the phone out of his hands.

We glared at each other silently for a few minutes, and he sat down heavily, cradling his head in his hands.

“You’re ruining your life.”, he said softly.

“I’m not the one who ruined my life.”, I snapped, putting on the kettle for coffee.

“No, you’re right. It’s that college guy you’re dating.”, he said, glaring up at me.

“It’s not Kyle’s fault. If you want to blame someone, blame your brother for pretending he cared for me, for making promises to me and breaking them without thinking twice about what he was doing to me. If he hadn’t dumped me for that thing, I would never have started doing the things I’m doing now. I wouldn’t have been making plans for finishing school through the post and moving in with Kyle, I wouldn’t have fought with my dad before he left, and hate myself for never saying I love him in the past six months, when I will never get another chance again to tell him how sorry I am for everything I’ve put them through!”, I yelled, shaking violently.

Mikey was staring at me with wide eyes, and I took out another cigarette, lighting it with trouble because I was shaking too hard. I finally got it lit, and inhaled deeply, immediately feeling relaxed.

“Shell.”, Mikey said softly.

“What?”, I snapped, turning around to finish the coffee.

“Gee and Lynn-Z – they’re getting married in a few months.”, he said quickly.

My hands went limp and the mug fell to the floor, shattering to pieces. Mikey jumped up out of his seat and started picking up the pieces. I noticed that the broken mug resembled the pieces of my life that had shattered as I sank to the floor, leaning my head against the counter.

“Shell.”, Mikey said, trying to get my attention.

I just continued staring blankly in front of me. He sat down in front of me, staring into my eyes as though he was trying to hypnotize me. I finally looked at him, his face was sympathetic, and he pulled me into a hug. I didn’t cry. My crying days were over.

“No, Mikey. I don’t want your sympathy, and I don’t need it either. You will not tell Gerard what you have seen or heard tonight. Absolutely nothing, do you understand me?”, I asked threateningly.
“Yeah. I should go, my parents will be wondering where I am. I’ll see you again some time. I love you, Shelley.”, he said softly, kissing my cheek before standing and walking away.

I stood up after a while, and went to my room. Mom had long since gone to her own bed after taking two sleeping pills. I had hid the others, scared that she might try to end her life. I lay down on my bed, still fully clothed, and fell asleep.

Kevin and Alecia arrived early next morning, and she hugged me tightly. Mom was still sleeping. I went into the kitchen to make us some coffee when I heard Kevin come in. He was leaning against the doorframe, watching me.

“You look like hell.”, he stated after a while.

“Thanks.”, I said as I handed him his coffee.

“I mean it, Shell. You look like you haven’t slept in months. What are you doing to yourself?”, he asked, but held up his hand when I opened my mouth to answer.

“I meant that as a rhetorical question. I know what you’re doing. You’re drinking all your problems away, you’re cutting yourself up and messing up your lungs by smoking the whole day. And now you want to throw away your schooling as well.”, he said.

“I’m not throwing it away, I’m going to finish school through the post.”, I snapped, turning and walking to the window.

“For a guy who is only using you, I’m sure. Are you still seeing that college guy?”, he asked.

“Yeah, I am.”, I answered.

“Shell, you don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll make the arrangements for the funeral. The guys of the morgue called, they said your father arrived there early this morning.”, Alecia said when she came into the kitchen a moment later.

“How’s mom doing?”, Kevin asked.

“She’s been sleeping since yesterday afternoon when she told me. I had called the doctor to give her something to calm her down, and late last night she had gone to her own room.”, I answered.

Alecia went to make the arrangements for the funeral after she had finished her coffee, leaving me and Kevin alone in the kitchen with an awkward silence.

“When last did you hear something from Gerard?”, he asked suddenly, and my heart squeezed painfully at the mention of his name.

“Last night. They’re getting married next month.”, I answered, my voice empty of all emotion.

“Oh. Uhm, I better go see how Al is doing.”, he said and hurriedly left the kitchen.

I washed the mugs and went back up to my room, where I lay down on my bed and smoked. I haven’t heard anything of Kyle yet, and I didn’t really care either. There was a knock on my door, and my mom came in, her face pale and her hair completely disarrayed.

“Mom, I wanted to talk to you. But how are you feeling?”, I asked, patting my bed for her to come sit next to me.

“I’ve been better, darling. What is it you want to talk to me about?”, she asked when she sat down.

“I’m not going back to school, I’m going to move in with Kyle and finish my senior year at the college or through the post.”, I informed her.

“Fine, honey. When are you going?”, she asked.

“You don’t have a problem with it?”, I asked incredulously, ignoring her question.

“I do, but you’re your own person, I can’t really tell you what to do anymore, and in a few months you’ll be a legal adult so you’ll be moving out anyway, so what’s really the difference if you do it now or a few months later? When do you want to go?”, she asked again.

“Uhm, a few days after the funeral.”, I mumbled, still in shock.

“All right. I better go say hello to Kevin and Alecia.”, she said, standing up.

She looked so lost when she walked out of my room. My poor mother. I quickly called Kyle to tell him the news, my heart thumping unevenly.

“Hey baby, guess what?”, I said coyly when he answered.

“Uh, I don’t know. Is it good news?”, he asked.

“It’s terrific news. My mo gave me permission to come live with you and finish school through the post. I can move in with you a few days after the funeral. Can you believe it?”, I said.

“Wow, babe, that’s terrific! We should celebrate. When suits you?”, he asked excitedly.
“I don’t know. Maybe we can do something the night I move in? I’ll think of some ideas, all right? But I have to go now, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay, bye.”, he said, and I hung up.

I walked down the stairs to join them in the kitchen. Alecia was busy making more coffee as I sat down next to my mom.

“And the funeral is the day after tomorrow, so it’s going to be on Thursday. Everything is arranged, Mrs. Martins, you just have to show up.”, Alecia said when she sat down next to Kevin.

I could see he had been crying, his eyes were red.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you, Alecia dear.”, my mom said gratefully, patting her hand.

“Mom, we have some good news to share. I know this is a bad time, but we can’t keep it to ourselves anymore. We’re engaged.”, Kevin said excitedly, his eyes shining with love as he looked at Alecia.

“But that’s wonderful, darlings. Congratulations!”, my mom exclaimed, standing up and pulling both of them into a hug.

“Congrats, big brother.”, I said softly.

“Thanks, sis.”, he replied, pulling me into a tight hug.

My eyes almost bugged out of my head with surprise, but I hugged him back altogether. I chuckled embarrassedly, and sat back down again quickly.

XXX

The day of the funeral dawned grey and foggy, suiting the moods of the people around the grave. All of our parents’ friends were there, along with some of my and Kevin’s closest friends. Mikey was clutching my one hand and Amber the other while they lowered my father’s coffin into the ground. My mom was crying silently, and Alecia and Kevin were busy comforting her, both their eyes shining with tears.

I heard a rustle behind me, and my head whipped around. Gerard was standing a few feet from us, his gaze riveted on me. He gave me a small smile, and threw something at me that landed beside my feet. I looked at him questioningly, but he turned around and left without a word. When the funeral ended we all went back to our house for tea and some small snacks.

Amber and I went up to my room while Mikey stayed downstairs with Chelsea and Frankie. I pulled cases out from under my bed and started packing the clothes that Amber handed to me silently.

“Are you sure about this, Shell?”, Amber asked softly when half of my clothes were already packed.

“Yes, I am.”, I said, looking her in her blue eyes.

“It’s going to be so weird not seeing you everyday. You have to promise you’ll come visit.”, she pleaded.

“Yeah, I will.”, I promised.

We were quiet after that, the only sound from the people talking downstairs. Kyle was going to come pick me up in an hour. I had decided to move the same day as the funeral. We walked back downstairs, arms linked. Frankie and Mikey took turns to hug me. They weren’t to happy about my moving in with Kyle, but they didn’t say anything after the first time they had found out and we had spent an hour yelling on each other.

“That must be Kyle.”, I said when we heard a car drive up.

I quickly ran upstairs to get my luggage, and Mikey and Frankie took it from me, carrying it to his car. Kyle walked towards me where I stood on the porch, and kissed me lightly, putting his arm around me.

“Hey.”, he said softly, and I smiled up at him.

I walked back into the house to greet my mom and Kevin and Alecia. Chelsea and Amber had gone to stand on the porch as well. I gave my four friends tight hugs, and waved to them as we drove off.

“This is going to be great, Shell, you’ll see.”, Kyle said excitedly.

“Yeah.”, I said, and stared out the window.