Your Hand in Mine

'You don't have to live here. You can always move.' repeated over and over in my head. I ran up the stairs to my room, slamming the door shut, and blasting the music.

Tears ran down my face, choking me. I could barely breathe as I clutched on to my bear Rocky- a bear that Gabe had won for me at a fair four five years ago. I muffled out my sobs with Rocky and rocked slightly. My best friend of life just told me that I could leave. He just chose a girlfriend over me. This was the worse pain I have ever felt. Gabe Saporta- my bestfriend, my savior just practically kicked me out. I breathed in deeply, regaining my composure and began to throw clothes in suit cases. The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of Vickys house begging her to let me stay. I didn't need to beg, though. She let me in with open arms and showed me the room I could stay in. As I layed on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and allowing a few tears to fall- my mind never thought of anyone other than Gabe.

I couldn't help but think of all the memories we had at the park, or all those evenings at the lake with the guys, or us just sitting at the lake, acting like kids at the ocean, those many nights going to sleep in his arms, how he held me when I cried, beat those guys asses that hurt me, always listened. I thought of all the ways he'd smile and smirk- the day he chased me around the house with whip cream. How innocent he looked when he slept. I couldn't escape the thought of his arms and how he could always make me feel protected and when I'd have bad dreams- he was always there. When we had that storm, he took control even though he was scared too. He was there to have fun with, to think with, relax with, cry with, eat with. I haven't been away from him in almost five years. In about two weeks would be the day we met, and we wouldn't be together. We wouldn't be able to celebrate- to say 'to five years and a thousand more.'

And sitting here, crying- he isn't here like he usually is, wiping away my tears and telling me everything is okay. But I have a feeling and maybe I just know from this past week or so of expierence that even if he was with me- he wouldn't be doing that.

I slowly stood from my fetal position and began placing clothes in to the drawers and closet, knowing it'd be a while before I moved out of this place. The thought of losing Gabe forever really did kill me. It tore at me slowly, and I felt so weak and pathetic- depending on him so much and feeling so heart broken. As I picked up my guitar case to pull out my acoustic guitar, a piece of paper fell out. Reaching down to pick it up, I was shocked when I turned it over to see that it was a picture of Gabe and I. I hadn't even remembered it. We both wore dorky smiles, our arms wrapped around each other- apparently we were at some party, and just acting rediculous. We looked so happy, so normal. So not what what was going to be anymore, and my stomach clenched in a sickening feeling.

"Would you like some hot cocoa?" Vicky asked from the door frame.

Nodding, I looked in her direction. She gave me a sympathetic smile and walked away to go make the cocoa. My heart was still aching. My body was shaking. My lungs weren't working properly, and I felt like at any second I would puke. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't function.

I get this is what losing your best friend feels like.