The Hunger In My Heart

The sun set hours ago but there’s no change to the cramped, dark bedroom. Everything looks just as remorseful as it had when Gerard had first stepped foot into the desolate cell. It seems strange to the older man how Frank has in the past year adopted an air for solitary when before that he’d thrived of being around people- he puts it down as an affect of the illness.

Since Gerard had left his best friend yearning and screaming in the institution some months ago Frank has never been far from his mind and he found himself visiting various websites giving detailed, scientific insights on eating disorders. He has become somewhat of an expert on the subject and he knows that he’d sooner die by murder, suicide or some torturing cancerous disease than develop any kind of eating disorder. He remembers the many times he’d been glued to the screen of his new Apple Mac laptop, reading peoples personal experiences with the illness that had been posted on the internet, numerous times Maria had walked in on him glaring - sadly- at the screen. Most of the times she’d slide over to him and snake her arms around his shoulders from behind and whisper comforting words into his ear. Sometimes, Gerard would melt into the warmth of her arms before slamming the screen down - in attempt of shutting Frank’s tortured cries out of his mind, before leading his fiancé into the bedroom.

He’s found that sex is one of the few methods of escapism that seems to work for him, whenever he feels dreadfully guilty or just plain sad he finds himself instinctively searching out for his partner and stripping them both bare. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t work and every time the women above or below him would moan, it would remind him of Frank’s painful cries. On one occasion he found himself wishing it was Frank he was thrusting into, wishing sex was really the answer to the feelings he’s buried inside his soul. That was only once though, he knew that nothing good would ever come from him and Frank being together and he shun the very idea away forever.

Gerard breathes calmly, ignoring the smell of illness that hasn’t left his nostrils since he entered the bedroom some hours ago, and looks beside him at Frank’s fragile looking body, curled protectively in a foetal position one had clutched protectively over his heart. Whilst he was crying on Gerard’s lap he had fallen asleep and Gerard pulled him under the thick blanket and lay down himself - taking extra care to leave a respectable gap between him and his former lover.

He Hadn’t slept well however, as soon as he dazed off he was awoken with a start and after the fourth attempt he simply gave up and sat organizing his thoughts. The desperate conversation they had shared before begins to play once more in Gerard’s mind. He knows that Frank hasn’t forgiven him for leaving him behind in California, nor does he understand his motifs behind the distance and Gerard decides that before he leaves tonight the two men will talk, maturely, about everything that needs to be said, or else neither of them will be able to fully move on.

Somehow, I have to try make Frank understand that in the next six months I’m going to marry the women I love. I want him to accept it, truly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to go through with it knowing that the one other person I deeply love - for different reasons - isn’t happy on my big day. The idea makes me sick to my stomach. Gerard reasons looking briefly at his friends crushing positioning.

__

A knock on the door makes Gerard jump out of his daydream suddenly, although the raps was so delicate, the room had been completely silent meaning the taps sounded louder than they would usually. Shyly, Frank’s mother twists the doorknob and pokes her friendly face through the door. She’s surprised to see Frank sleeping beside Gerard.

“Do you need anything?” she asks, her eyebrows twitching slightly.

Gerard shakes his head dismissing her offerings of coffee and food. He couldn’t possibly sit on Frank’s bed munching away at a hearty sandwich while Frank shudders lightly in his sleep next to him. Smiling, Mrs Iero leaves clicking the door shut behind her, leaving Gerard engaged in thought once more. It’s funny, he thinks, she probably hasn’t come to terms with the fact that Frank and I are grown men. Her son, a man, lays in his childhood bedroom with a childlike body and a childish state of mind. I guess I don’t blame her for acting as though we’re two young boys after all.

Time passes slowly and Gerard tries to pick out the echoes of the drama playing on the TV set downstairs. A tune has been playing over in his musical mind for the last twenty minutes and the older man rips it to shreds trying to refine and improve it. He makes a mental note to record it as soon as he gets home. Perhaps it could turn into a song someday.

Beside the singer, Frank shakes viciously before jumping awake with a start, causing Gerard to yelp in shock.

“Are you okay?”

Frank rubs his eyes staring at the man beside him in confusion. He’d forgotten Gerard was with him. “Yeah, I uh, just a bad dream,” he throws his legs out of bed awaiting the consequences of his sudden move through dizziness, before standing and pulling of his damp clothes- he hadn’t changed in days. The awkwardness of the situation a few hours ago still lingers in the air and Frank tries to forget he let his guard down, in hope of making the remainder of Gerard’s stay a little more endurable. I’m twenty four for goodness sake I need to get a hold of myself, no more fucking tears, he ordered silently.

“Shall I, uh-?” Gerard stutters turning his head away from Frank in hope of giving him some dignity.

“You‘ve seen me naked loads of times Gerard, nothings new.” the temporarily bare man pulls on a pair of loose jeans and boxers that are starting to hang off his hips a little more than they should, before throwing on a T-shirt and placing himself beside Gerard quietly. Speedily, he snatches the tiny pink shell of his bedside table and slips it into his pocket.

They’re loosening again…thank god. Frank shun the thought out as soon as it popped into his head. He has to remember to think positively, healthily. The voice occasionally creeps into his mind intoxicating him like a self induced drug whenever Frank is feeling down but he tries with all his strength to bash it out. He’d rather die than succumb to it again.

“So what time do you need to be home?” Frank questions, his voice still slightly hoarse from sleep. The clock on the wall indicates it’s past five thirty in the evening.

“Whenever.”

“Cool. Do you, um, wanna go get a bite to eat or something?” Frank suggests nervously, reaching his hand up to ruffle the locks he no longer has. He’s fully aware of how dangerously empty his stomach is, he knows he needs to regain the few pounds he’s lost or else he’ll start wasting away once more. And, although the idea of being matchstick thin entices him, the prospect of being able to be at one with his friends- his band and his family attracts him just that much more. Gerard is shocked and jumps up immediately. Frank hasn’t eaten around him in months and he prays to god that the fucking clinic worked properly. I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch him pick at his celery stick without loosing it, Gerard thinks.

The two men head out waving to the Iero parents quickly. Frank’s mother smiles thankfully to Gerard for bringing some form of life back into her son. She hated him being locked away like he was.

The streets weren’t as busy as Gerard had expected and they walked slowly to the decided pizza joint, often taking detours through deserted streets. The last thing we need is to be recognised, Gerard considers.

“I‘m sorry about before Gerard.” Frank admits, truthfully, looking up at the man beside him. He has full grasp of his emotions at present and is willing to act maturely. He can only imagine how tired his best friend is with his mood swings.

“No Frank, I‘m sorry. I haven‘t been a good friend to you recently.” his green eyes tore away from Frank’s gaunt face as he spoke in guilt. He can’t bare to watch the knowingness flash in his eyes. The older man slipped his hands into his pockets.

“I don‘t blame you Gerard. I never have and I never will.” the taller man jerks his head in shock,

“What?”

“I really don‘t blame you for…doing what you did. I was a rotten boyfriend and I know you did what you had to in order to protect yourself. Just like I did.” the two men walked in silence for a few moments pondering the words hanging unexpectedly in the air.

“You don‘t have to be noble Frank, please, I need you to yell at me. You’re my best fucking friend and I left you to rot in that place!” the hysteria in Gerard’s voice licked Frank’s ears teasingly. It’s ironic, Gerard tells himself, how I’ve thought up all different ways to convince Frank that I meant well by leaving him alone yet here I am telling him I was spiteful. I guess all these months I was just trying to convince myself.

“I‘m glad you didn‘t come for me…now. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I understand it would have only made everything harder. Everything would have been a lie. Fake. I probably wouldn’t have been able to accept that you’ve moved on. The two men turned into a park, the spring sun was just beginning to transform into several shades of warmth, rapping it’s mothering rays around the world.

“And have you accepted it?” Gerard whispers after a few seconds, the question so quiet it almost gets lost in the breeze. “honestly?”

Frank considers the question thoroughly. He knows what he should say, he knows what he wants to say and he knows the truth. All the varying feelings buzz around like fireflies glowing in his mind.

“No.” he answers blankly, shoving his hands into his jacket. “But I‘m coming to terms with it.” they look at each other simultaneously, their rock star appearance and status couldn’t be any further away from them. At present they’re just two men desperately in need of each others acceptance and friendship. Gerard’s eyes lingered on Frank a little longer even after his friend had turned away. “You love her don‘t you. Like, properly?”

Finally looking away, Gerard nodded. A sudden gust of wind took him off guard and trickled down his back making him shudder.

“As much as it hurts, I‘m glad she makes you happy. That she‘s everything I wasn‘t.”

“-Frank.”

“No, let me finish.” he urged, his slim guitarists fingers stopping Gerard’s words with a swift movement in the air. “I‘ve been too harsh on you, on her, particularly. I expected too much from you and I blamed everything on Maria.” he takes a deep breath and continues. “I guess, the other night when you told me about your… arrangements, it hurt because I know how good Maria is. I know that she is a caring women, I mean, I was the one who introduced her to you guys. And it scared me that night when you slept with her because I knew that if given the chance, you’d see that she can give you everything I couldn’t. the easy relationships, the love, the sex even the children. I hated her Gerard, I admit it, but only for being so fitting. Frank’s voice is heavy as it fades off and Gerard squeezes his friends shoulder for support.

“I‘m sorry for being such a dick. I really shouldn‘t have thrown myself at you like that this morning- I had no right.”

Frank’s words stick themselves into Gerard’s mind like magnets, he’s shocked that his friend’s opening up so freely. “I meant what I said before.” Gerard says stopping Frank on the path. The evening air whooshed gently around them through the budding leaves, playing like a soundtrack to their emotions.

“You Don’t have to be sorry any more Gerard.”

“No, not that. I mean, about loving you.” they stare at each other earnestly. “I really do love you Frank and I always will, just not in the way you want me to. I want you to know Maria never replaced you Frank and she never will.” Gerard’s pale hand rises to Franks cheek delicately. “I just, I was never good for you. One day you‘ll find a women - or a man, that makes you feel the way Maria makes me.” his hand fell slowly back to his side and Frank breaks eye contact. Gerard considers briefly how he’d feel if Frank did indeed move on and settle down with not just another person, but another man. He’s always been aware that Frank had never been in relations with another guy apart from him and in some twisted way he took security in the fact. And, although he loves Maria with all his heart the idea of Frank actually properly moving on scares him. He likes the fact that Frank is still available for him if he ever…

No! Gerard shouts mentally. I can never ever think like that. I can’t believe how selfish I am, Jesus fucking Christ.

“I know.” Frank whispers. The gates of the park come in the view as the two men continue to walk once more; the sound of cars rushing past makes a change from the swaying trees. How can Gerard ever believe that one day I’ll move on? Frank wonders. That anyone can ever take his place in my heart?

“Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you slide a shell into my pocket when you left me at the clinic?” it’s a question Frank had been throwing around in his head for months. The tiny pink mass that had come to mean so much to the suffering man had a story behind it that Frank yearned to know.

“Well,” Gerard chuckled nervously the colour rising in his cheeks. “I picked it up while you where in hospital, you remember the day I came in soaking wet?” Frank nodded doe eyed. “I went to the beach and I saw it laying then tiny, vulnerable and naturally beautiful.” Frank’s eyebrows furrowed. “It well, it reminded me off you.”

The restaurant was near empty as they entered and Gerard requested the VIP seats in a private booth. They took their places before ordering.

“And well, as stupid as it sounds, I put it in your pocket so I knew that when I left, you wasn‘t the smallest, frailest thing in that place. It gave me piece of mind.” Gerard blushed vividly in the dim light and Frank reached his hand over to clasp Gerard’s.

“I’ll take it to my grave.” he muttered as truthful as the beat of his heart.