Never Okay

I'M NOT OKAY

I'M FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS

UNRAVELING SLOWLY

AS YOU DANCE IN THE MOONLIGHT

My head in my hands, I took deep breaths.

The place had long since emptied of people, so no one could see my tears that I shed underneath the shadows of falling petals.

~*~

It was evening.

He came to the coffee shop just before it closed, simply because of the unwanted attention he would attract in the rush hours.

The chimes in the doorway tinkled softly.

He glanced up from his cup of coffee and the newspaper article about the change in gas prices, his eyes meeting with a pair of grey ones that seemed to glow.

She had hurried into the almost empty coffee shop, trying to escape from the coldness of the outside world.

He'd watched many people come through that door, but none like her.

Her red hair fell across her shoulders in a hasty manner, and those grey eyes looked tired.

Her job was, no still is stressful, barely giving her enough pay to for the bills.

There sure was a lot of them these days.

She ran to the counter and growled, "Give me something with a lot of sugar and caffeine in it, Jorge."

Jorge nodded, and he was surprised that she knew his name.

Not many people get to know those that serve them.

"Si, 'Senorita Churro.' " He grinned at the last part, and scuttled into the back room.

She shouted in Spanish after his retreating figure.

"Stupido Jorge...." She muttered, and he at least understood that part, even though it was in Spanish.

She realized that she wasn't alone in the shop, and twirled around to meet his curious, yet amused gaze.

She let out an embarrassed laugh, and a slight blush crept over her cheeks.

"Para un gringa, hablas espanol muy bien." Jorge came back from the back, still grinning from ear to ear.

She whirled back around and glared at him. "Don't think that just because I'm a white girl, Yo no hablo espanol." She wiggled her finger at him, then they both laughed.

"Stay as long as you want, Aithne." He handed over a churro and a cup of hot coffee.

She grinned back at him. "Gracias, Jorge. Don't know what I'd do without you and your churros."

She spun around, and her grin kind of faded when she saw him.

"Oh."

His smile, however, never faded.

"Want to sit with me?" He swept his arm over the small table.

She nodded mutely, words escaping her lips.

Why couldn't she come up with anything witty to say?

She sat, and then stared at her hands, her blush coming back.

He thought she looked beautiful when she blushed; demure and yet adorable at the same time.

"So, where'd you learn to speak Spanish like that? It was too good for an amateur." They grinned together, and the first conversations of many began.

~*~

"How did you get your name?" He asked.

"Oh no. I'm not saying. Jorge knowing is enough."

They were still meeting at the coffee shop at night.

He knew that she still didn't recognize him.

"Si, si, she is embarrassed of ella nombre." Jorge called from the back.

"Stuff it, Jorge!" She shouted back, but in a teasing manner. "At least you have a normal name!"

His booming laugh could be heard from the back.

"Please tell me." He stared into those eyes, those wonderful eyes that she had, and she blushed.

"Well, all right.... It's Celtic, meaning fire." When he didn't laugh at her, she breathed a sigh of relief, and continued. "My parents are both Irish, but we moved here when I was just a baby. I would love to go back there and visit someday...." She trailed off, then looked at him with concern. "I must be boring you."

He laughed. "Not at all. I like hearing about your past. All we've been talking about these past few weeks has been current affairs." He leaned across the table. "Tell me more."

Aithne blushed again, then had an idea. "Only on one condition."

He didn't like the mischievous look in her eyes. "What's that?"

She just smiled.

There was a brief moment of silence; then he sighed. "Fine. I'll agree."

"You have to tell me your name first."

He blinked in surprise, then smiled. "I see your point. We have been 'seeing' each other for a while."

She grinned at the pun. "You know my name, but I don't know yours. It's only fair."

"Yeah.." He stared off into space, thinking about how she would react when he told her.

When he told her that he was Nick Jonas.

He decided to prolong that moment.

"My name is Nick, short for Nicholas. Now, about your past...." He looked at her expectingly.

"Hold on. What about your last name?" She asked suspiciously.

He shrugged, and asked: "Well, what about yours?"

"Mine is Conway. And my middle name is Blade. So, my full name is 'River Blade of Fire'. Makes tons of sense, huh?"

They laughed together.

~*~

"Why won't you tell me? Are you afraid I'll laugh at you?" She asked. She'd been trying for the last few days to get the information out of him, and failing miserably.

He sighed. "No, it's more like you'll run away from me, screaming."

She gave him a confused look.

Then she decided something. "I'll tell you on thing you've yet to know about me if you tell me what your last name is."

She knew he'd take the bet.

"...All right, but you first." He finally conceded.

"The one thing that you don't know about me is...." She looked down at her cold cup of coffee, "That I suffer from leukemia."

His mouth dropped open.

He thought he'd had it bad.

"I was diagnosed only a year ago. I refused chemotherapy because I think that it only prolongs the death. It doesn't cure anything." She looked away from what she'd knew was a pitying gaze from Nick.

"Aithne, look at me."

She couldn't refuse his request, and found an understanding gaze, not one of pity.

"My last name is Jonas."

She laughed. "Ha! Nick Jonas! Like from that boy band, way back when I was a teen...."

He blushed, embarrassed.

She studied him for a moment, and then it clicked.

"Nick Jonas?" She screeched, sliding her chair back a few feet from the table and pointed a single finger at him.

He nodded, still blushing.

"No way! No freaking way!"

"Uh...yeah."

"That is so cool!"

"Hey, guys, I'm gonna go load some trash into the dumpster. Be back in a minute." Jorge grinned at their little exchange, then left out the back door.

He stared at her. "You think that's....cool?"

"Well, yeah. You've been in a band, been a legend!" She scratched her head in a slightly embarrassed manner, scooting her chair back towards the table. "Plus, you kind of know what it's like to be diagnosed with a disease that no one has a cure for yet! No offense....." She grinned.

He got up and walked to where she was, then leaned down to her face, his lips stopping just before hers.

"Thank heavens. I was so afraid you'd reject me." He murmured.

That red blush he loved so much stayed on her face until Jorge came back through the door, interrupting their moment.

~*~

Jorge had stopped by, and I could hardly contain myself.

"Lo siento. Aithne was a great person." Jorge was on the verge of tears himself, and he knew that this was hard on Nick.

I just nodded, and Kevin wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders.

But I knew that it was also to keep me from falling apart in front of all these people.

~*~

He got the call while he was still sleeping.

It was five a.m., after all.

"Mr. Jonas?" A crisp, female voice asked.
He grunted.

"A Miss Aithne Conway was admitted into the hospital this morning; the contact information says to call you -- "

"What happened?" He shot up out of the bed, already pulling some clothes on. "What happened to Aithne?"

A male voice took the phone.

"Mr. Jonas?"

"Yes!" He snapped impatiently. "God! Yes, I am! Now tell me what's happened!"

"It was too late. We couldn't save her. Maybe if she'd taken chemotherapy, like we'd asked...Hello? Mr. Jonas?"

He hadn't heard anything after 'It was too late.'

He fell to the floor, the phone still buzzing angrily with unfamiliar voices.

Those that weren't the ones he wanted to hear.

~*~

"Nick, I'm fine. I don't need chemo."

"It'll help you, though!" He had concern written all over his face.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry about me, okay? Just worry about how much sugar you're supposed to take in one day, 'Mr. I need three cups of sugar in my coffee.' " She teased.

He scowled. He'd bring this up another time.

~*~

"Don't worry about me, okay?"

Okay?

-- Kay?

Those words echoed in my head over and over until the ambulance came, filled with concerned paramedics that the doctor had called.

But I'm not okay.

Not without you.

~*~

Sobs overcame me as I sunk to the floor of the empty funeral home.

Aithne

Aithne

Aithne

I was glad that I'd waited until everyone left.

Aithne

Aithne

I wasn't sure if I'd ever love again.

Aithne --