What Happens Under The Sun

It was only ten and as I approached the door to my apartment I was praying everyone was still asleep.

But life just wasn't that nice to me.

''Where have you been!'' Jessica yelled as soon as I opened the door.

''What happened to you? You said you were going for a walk!'' Derek chimed in. when did he get here? Did he stay the night?

''So?'' Jessica demanded. I shot her a pleading look but she didn't seem to catch it. The one time I needed Jessica to see deeper into a little thing and she was as blind as a bird in the dark.

''Were you at Tom's?'' she asked and I could have throttled her. She caught her mistake as soon as it left her mouth and her look turned from demanding to apologizing.

''What?'' Derek asked. ''Who's Tom?''

''Nothing, no one.'' I lied, praying he would let it drop.

''He's that guy that came over the other night isn't he? Are you seeing him?'' Derek asked, his beautiful face twisted into a look of confusion and anger.

''No, I'm not seeing him, it's complicated.'' I said, looking at the floor.

''You want to explain it to me? Cause right now I need a straight answer.'' He said.

''I'm not dating Tom Derek, we just kind of…'' I trailed off; not wanting to tell him directly what was going on between Tom and me.

I didn't have to say it though; he figured it out all on his own.

''You're sleeping with him?'' he asked, his tone flat but there was obvious anger behind his words. I nodded shamefully, looking at the floor.

I felt tears sting my eyes. Derek wasn't supposed to find out about Tom, no one was. But now the truth was out there in the open and no matter how much I willed it away, it wasn't going anywhere.

''So the whole time we've been together…'' I nodded again.

''And last night?'' he said and I nodded. ''Here I was thinking I was rushing you into something you weren't ready for when really you would just rather be screwing someone else.''

''Derek, please, you don't understand.'' I begged, tears audible in my voice. He was headed for the door.

''No I understand, I understand perfectly Kate.'' He slammed the door behind him. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

''I'm so sorry Kate.'' Jessica said softly.

''Way to throw me under the fucking bus Jessica!'' I yelled and then ran for my room.

If Jessica had just kept her mouth shut I could have come up with a lie believable enough and none of this would have happened. Instead, I was face down on my bed, sobbing into my pillow, alone.

Half an hour later, five minutes after my sobbing had subsided, Jessica came into my room. What little anger I had towards her had been washed away with my tears and right now, I just needed my best friend.

''I'm so sorry Kate, I shouldn't have said anything.'' She said, sitting on my bed. I turned my head towards her. The sincerity of her apology rang through in her expression.

''It's ok Jess, it's not totally your fault. I shouldn't have left like that last night.'' I said, sitting up. We both sat cross-legged, facing each other.

''I'm just so confused.'' I said. ''I really like Derek. He's funny and smart and beyond handsome and he can make me laugh and I'm allowed to be with him. But he's cautious and likes to take his time, oh and now furious with me.'' she half cringed when I said that last.

''And then there's Tom. He's amazing in bed and good looking and knows every inch of me, inside and out.'' I counted on my fingers as I listed qualities. ''But he's not the type for a girlfriend and we're not allowed to be together, and I really like Derek. I don't know what to do Jess.''

''Well, if you want my educated opinion, Derek is better for you. Your romance isn't forbidden and you know he'll be there to stay.'' She said and I nodded sadly.

So it was Tom I had to break it off with.

''But if you want my opinion as your best friend, Tom is the one you want. So you're not allowed to be together, big deal. He makes you happy and lord knows he keeps you that way, besides, since when do you follow the rules?'' she said with a soft smile.

''That so didn't help Jessica.'' I said.

''I can't make the decision for you Kate, you're going to have to choose one of them.''

''But what if I can't? Tom seemed to be ok with me being with Derek, what if I just don't tell Derek about Tom?'' that was a huge lie, I knew Tom wasn’t ok with Derek.

''Do you think Tom will still be ok with it when he knows that every night he's not screwing you someone else is?'' she asked.

''No.'' I muttered.

''You have to choose. Do you want the guy who'll always be there and can make you feel safe? Or the one who puts a little fun in your life and makes you feel reckless and alive?''

''Why can't I have both?'' I asked.

''Should this really be such a hard decision Kate? I mean, you've told me a hundred times that you don't have feelings for Tom. It should be easy enough to pick Derek.'' Jessica said. I knew she was relishing the opportunity to bring that up and smack me in the face with it.

''I don't know if I could give up what I have with Tom though.'' I said truthfully.

''The strange relationship where neither of you will admit that you actually like each other?'' she asked.

''No! The sex of course, Jessica, I'm pretty sure that he could make my head explode if he wanted to.'' I said.

''I believe the second but not the first.''

''Whatever Jessica, be as skeptical as you want. There's nothing more than sex between me and Tom and that's that.'' I said.

''Liar.'' She sang.

''I've had enough of your opinions, I'm going to bed.'' I said, slamming my head down on my pillow.

''Good night my little liar.'' She said sweetly as she got up.

''Bite me.''