Breathing Slowly Never Worked For Me

It was a little less than a week later when Ronnie finally had to go into the studio. I’d only been given the Friday off from work but Ronnie had pleaded with me to go with him for the first day. He had said it would be ‘unbearable’ without me and he ‘wouldn’t know what to with himself’ if I didn’t go. So, despite how badly we needed the money to pay that month’s rent, I called in sick and agreed to go with him. It was six in the morning and I was sitting in the kitchen, waiting for Ronnie. I could tell by the way he was pacing the apartment he was nervous.

“Would you just sit down?” I groaned through a yawn.

“Put this on,” he replied and handed me his hooded sweatshirt. Though I really wasn’t that cold, I knew he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. As I pulled it on and pulled my hair free from the collar he spoke again. “Have you eaten yet?” I rolled my eyes. I was about to protest his mothering when his phone rang and I didn’t get a chance to answer him. He held it in his outstretched palm and looked at it warily before glancing up at me. “It’s Max,” he informed me, “He’ll be waiting downstairs.” I nodded, trying to stifle another yawn, and slid off the counter as Ronnie grasped my hand, leading me out of the apartment.

Max was parked on the street just outside of our apartment building. By the look on his face, Ronnie hadn’t mentioned that I would be coming with them. Even from such a short distance I found it hard to tell if he was pleasantly surprised or upset with me. “’Morning, Lindsey,” he said, raising his eyebrows at me in the rear view mirror as I climbed into the backseat beside the amps and cords Max had hastily packed.

“G’morning,” I replied and Ronnie shot me a look. He was suspicious of Max and I becoming friends again. He knew just how often Max had tried to convince me to leave him. They didn’t speak for the entire drive and, eventually, with the soft and distant humming of the radio, I fell asleep.

When I woke again we were parked in front of the studio. It was almost an hour’s drive across town and I looked around in surprise.

“Give me a hand with this, would you?” Ronnie asked gruffly, tugging at an amp on the seat beside me. I nodded and climbed quickly out of the car. I noticed it was lighter outside though it wasn’t much warmer and I stumbled to keep up with Ronnie as I helped to carry the amp inside.

“Lindsey!” I heard someone call from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Bryan, a wide smile on his face. Ronnie pulled the amp from my grip and I gave him a confused look, though it only reached his back as he sauntered off.

“Bryan,” I sighed happily, walking over to him.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” he exclaimed as he wrapped me in a friendly hug and kissed my cheek quickly, “I didn’t even recognize you!” The surprise in his voice stung a little. It was obvious how unhealthy I was and I self-consciously wrapped my arms around myself as I pulled away.

“Me neither,” I replied giving a soft laugh as I reached out and let my fingertips brush against a couple of strands of his blonde hair.

“Oh, this,” he chuckled, crossing his eyes to look the hairs hanging in front of his eyes. A faint smile played on my lips.

“Hi Robert,” I said and Bryan whirled around.

“Lindsey?” Robert asked before giving me a quick half-hug. He held what looked like another much smaller amp in his other hand. “You look so different!” I gave a weak smile and tried to think of a reply when I felt a strong tug on the back of my shirt.

“I’m going for a smoke,” Ronnie informed me, paying no attention to either Bryan or Robert. I nodded.

“I’ll be back in a second,” I told them, relieved that I didn’t have to force a conversation, and followed Ronnie to the exit. The air outside was wintry and a bitter wind blew my hair about my face.

“Here,” Ronnie mumbled around the cigarette he was balancing between his lips and took a step toward me, lifting the hood of his sweatshirt over my head and pushing my hair out of my eyes. I glanced around. The street was lined with short trees and small stores that hardly looked like they belonged in Vegas, even on the outskirts. Dark clouds were held back over the city by a strong wind that whipped pieces of litter along the street. This day was going to be so much longer than I though it would.

Though Ronnie would never say so, I think he was glad I had agreed to come. It was obvious when he had finished with his cigarette break and led me back inside into a room full of his band mates who barely spoke a word to him. Even as they passed lyrics back and forth nothing was said. At least not to Ronnie.

“Just run it through again,” Max suggested as Bryan attempted some kind of melody for the eighth or ninth time. Ronnie was slumped against me on the small sofa, his dark glasses balancing on the tip of his nose, feebly disguising the fact that he was fast asleep. I tensed as he stirred slightly before allowing myself to relax again. It had been like this for most of the afternoon and my legs were beginning to feel numb from the lack of movement. It was only when Ronnie was startled awake, when Bryan accidently blared a guitar riff over the studio’s speakers, and leant against the other side of the sofa, falling asleep once more, that I was able to excuse myself. I was in the small bathroom at the front of the studio when the door swung open. I glanced up at the mirror and jumped as I caught a glimpse of Max’s reflection.

“Christ,” I exclaimed breathlessly, “Max! You almost scared me half to death!” I jokingly smacked his arm and he jumped back slightly, laughing.

“I didn’t mean to,” he apologized, “I just wanted to know where you’d gone off to.” I wiped my hands dry on a piece of paper towel and turned around.

“Are you checking up on me?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Max quickly shook his head.

“No. No, I was…uh…I was just coming to see…” I laughed to myself as Max stumbled over his words and looked toward the open window. I smile as a light breeze brushed against my cheek.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” I said suddenly, looking back toward Max.

“Sure,” he replied as a smile spread across his face, though he sounded surprised, “Yeah, sure. That would be…yes.”

I tripped slightly as I shuffled along the brick wall I was balancing along. Max jumped and held his arm out to steady me. I started laughing wildly and he rolled his eyes.

“Christ, Lindsey,” he muttered to himself, though he wasn’t really mad, “You’ve always got me worrying about you.” I shrugged and let go of his hand, my smile growing wider. There was something about the weather, now that it was slightly warmer and the wind had stopped, that put me in an undeniably good mood. My stomach flipped as Max glanced over his shoulder at the studio toward the end of the street.

“It’s getting late,” Max noted as I looked toward the dirty pink sky, “We’ve been gone almost an hour.” I sat down and leant back against the chain link fence.

“Please don’t say we have to go back,” I said, closing my eyes tightly. I didn’t know how much longer I could handle sitting in the small studio listening to the same riff over and over with no one to talk to. If the guys weren’t talking to Ronnie, they weren’t talking to me either at least not while he was around. I felt completely invisible.

“Why are you here?” Max asked, sitting beside me. I gave him a sideways look.

“Don’t start this again, Max. I don’t want to argue with you,” I replied.

“No, I’m not trying to,” he said quickly, “It was just a question.” I exhaled sharply and shrugged.

“Ronnie asked me to come,” I answered and Max laughed bitterly.

“So you came. Ronnie asks you to lend him money, so you lend him money. He sits down and you sit beside him,” he listed off and something in his tone began to sting.

“What are you getting at?” I snapped. A car passed by, it’s headlights causing me to squint as I looked up the street.

“I’m just saying,” Max said, his tone a little softer, “I’ve lost one of my best friends and I don’t know why she won’t just let me help her.” I looked up at him, confused.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ears.

“I’m talking about you,” he replied firmly, “I’m talking about you and a girl I knew three years ago who wouldn’t take this crap. And I was just wondering how the two could possibly seem like completely different people.” He paused for a moment and shook his head. “I’m not asking you to leave him, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I’m just asking you to think about what kind of person he’s turned you into.”