Breathing Slowly Never Worked For Me

I woke up early the next morning and rolled away from the bright light streaming through the window. The space beside me where Ronnie would usually be asleep was empty. Cold. I wondered if he had been to bed at all. I got out of bed and wandered through the apartment. No one. I frowned to myself when I realized he was gone. I wondered why I felt so disappointed as I went to the answering machine, pressing play. There were several messages. I knew who they’d be from and deleted every plea from Max to answer his calls, to return them. I sat on the counter and angrily pulled the sleeves of my shirt down over my wrists. I was mentally cursing myself for being so stupid when the front door flew open. I jumped in surprise, bumping my head on one of the overhanging cabinets as I did so.

“Morning,” Ronnie said cheerily and came to kiss my cheek. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion as I rubbed my head.

“What’s up with you?” I asked and he shrugged.

“Nothin’. Why?” he replied, grinning. I rolled my eyes and groaned, hopping of the counter. I went to the refrigerator in search of something to eat. “Let’s make breakfast,” Ronnie said excitedly, wrapping his arms around my waist, and looked over my shoulder. I turned around.

“Really, what’s going on with you?” I demanded, my bad mood heightened by the goofy grin on Ronnie’s face.

“Nothing,” he insisted, “I’m just happy to see you, I guess.” I squirmed out of his arms and frowned.

“Well, you would have seen me a lot sooner if you’d bothered to come to bed last night,” I snapped. He gave me an apologetic look.

“Come on, Linds,” he whined, and reached for me once more.

“Where were you?” I asked as I avoided his hands. He closed his eyes and gave a frustrated sigh, running his hand through his matted hair.

“Lindsey, I-.”

“No,” I said firmly, cutting him short, expecting another excuse, “Where were you?” He took a deep breath and held me at arms length.

“Fuck where I was,” he said quietly. “Fuck where I was, fuck where I wasn’t and fuck where I’ve been all those times before.” I looked up at him and tried to maintain my scowl. I was failing horribly. It was near impossible for me to stay mad at him for too long. “I just want to be here with you now, Lindsey,” he added with a sheepish smile, running his hands up and down my arms. I met his eyes for a moment, entirely dissatisfied with his answer and he realized it. “Please, Lindsey?” he asked, “I just want to be with you.” I nodded, a small smile crossing my face as I tugged at his shirt.

“I’m going to have a shower,” I told him. As I turned around to leave, he grabbed my hand.

“Lindsey,” he said softly, “Did you want to talk?” I looked at him expectantly.

“About what?”

“About yesterday,” he said. It was so sincere, so hopeful, I couldn’t help but smile.

I thought it over for a moment before finally replying, “No, not yet.” Ronnie nodded but something told me he was disappointed. I looked at him for a while longer before disappearing into the bathroom.

After that, it almost felt like it did when Ronnie and I first moved in to the apartment together, when we would spend every day together on the sofa, talking or smoking. Eventually, things changed. Ronnie would go out more often and appear back at the apartment at odd hours of the morning. But it was bearable. The final straw came months later.

I was on my way home from work. The clinic had finally closed and I’d gone three weeks without work. When we couldn’t pay out rent, I’d only managed to find a job in a local convenience store where I wasn’t paid nearly enough for the work I did. But at least it was a job. I crossed the street quickly to our apartment building. It was in a far worse neighborhood than the one we’d shared with Max, or so people kept telling me. I didn’t think it was so bad. As I climbed the stairs, I passed by a woman who lived on the floor above us and her four young children. She looked tired, like she always did, and I gave her a weak smile as I rested a hand tenderly on her eldest child’s shoulder so I could pass him on the stairs. I fumbled with my keys when I reached our apartment door but, as I tried to push the key into the lock, the door swung open.

“Ronnie?” I called, “Baby, I’m home!” I stepped into the darkness of our apartment and closed the door behind me. It wasn’t until then that I noticed the four or so men I’d never met before crowded around the small table we had in our kitchen. “What’s going on?” I asked warily when Ronnie shot up to greet me.

“Lindsey!” he exclaimed and he sounded as if he were out of breath, “I thought you had the late shift tonight.”

“No,” I answered slowly, “That’s Thursdays.” He gave me a crooked smile but his eyes were filled with concern. “What’s going on?” I repeated and a couple of the men looked up at me.

“Lindsey, you really shouldn’t be here,” Ronnie whispered hurriedly with his hands on my shoulders.

“Why not?” I demanded and stepped into him. The two men who had been staring at me parted and I noticed the table. I pack of cards was spread across it and a large pile of crumpled bills had been discarded in front of a guy I assumed was the youngest of the group. He looked as if he were barely out of high school. “Christ, Ronnie. How much money have you lost?” I muttered, thinking it was just another one of his stupid poker games. That’s when I saw it. It filled me with an icy dread and my mouth went dry. “Ronnie,” I croaked desperately, “What’s going on?” One of the men stood up from the table, pushing his chair back loudly.

“It’s fine, Aaron,” Ronnie said quickly, “She was just leaving.” He gave me a pleading look.

“Yeah,” I replied finally and I could almost hear Ronnie sigh with relief, “I was just leaving.” I gave Ronnie one last look of concern before I grabbed my coat and left without another word.

I’d never seen a gun before that night with the exception of my grandfather’s hunting rifles he had mounted on a wall in their home back in North Carolina. I didn’t know why it shook my so badly. I realize now it was because it was the first time I had ever seen a gun used with the intent of hurting someone. And it scared me.