I Am the Sea

Looking out on to the crashing white water, the dark angry tides, thinking about what dragged me here in the first place, to this desolate wintry beach...

'I love you... I love you so much...' I heard his words but they didn't sink in. All I could concentrate on was his hands, in places where I didn't want them.

All I did was watch this happen, too afraid to stop him, to lose him.

Yet I didn't want him in this way, not yet.

'I love you...' he said again, almost in a groan. The strain in his voice repulsed me, somewhere deep inside my mind, but I did nothing.

I simply followed his hands with my eyes.

Suddenly he froze, and his eyes met up with mine.

'Don't you want this?' he asked, his tone accusatory and upset.

I opened my mouth slightly, leaving it to gape once I realised that I had nothing to say.

'Don't you even love me?' the accusations crashed out, each one being falsely confirmed with my silence. He was working himself up now, his eyes drowned in his own anger and his hands shaking, wanting to carry on what they were doing earlier.

'I... I...' I heard myself speak, and he stopped abruptly to listen.

'I do love you, but...'

But I don't want this right now.

I couldn't say those words.

'If you love me you would do this.' Each of his words measured and precise torrents of blackmail piercing through my skin.

I knew what he was doing, but I was still scared.

I didn't want to lose him.

I wanted him, but not the sex. I wish I could make him see that, but I was already lost under his words, struggling to get to the surface again.

He was off again, the words spewing out of him and crashing against me, sprays of persuasion lashing against me.

I was speechless, chocked by the harsh, salty dryness of his words.

'It's not that I don't want you, I just don't want this.' I managed to say quietly, causing him to get up in an explosion of anger and wheel around to face me.

'Obviously if you don't want this, you don't want me.' he said quietly, which was more unnerving and painful to hear than his shouting.

Then those words I didn't want to hear, those words I dreaded.

'It's over.'

He slammed the door after him, his tread dying away seconds later in a run.

I sat there, not wanting to move.

When I did it was my face first, scrunching up in a vain attempt to stop myself crying.

Then my tears, cold and salty against my cheeks.

Then I got up and dragged my feet down the stairs and out of my front door.

Down my road, through the lanes, a short walk to where I am now.

The beach, bitter and unfriendly on this winter's morning.

The grey eyes of the sky above, frowning upon my lonely figure, a black dot against the dirty -gold sand.

The icy wind biting my bare arms and face.

The feeling of being home.

I've always loved the sea.

When I was a child I would stare at the crashing waves, the swirling blue depths for hours until my mother had to shake me out of the trance that was always induced by it.

One big swirling mass, all waves connected together, not alone.

I wish people could be like the waves, moving in time with each-other, all part of one thing, one mind-set.

I don't like it when people oppose, disagree, fight.

Our jarring social edges leading to feud and war.

Differences in opinion and appearance driving a wedge between us.

I wish we could be like the sea, all as one and undivided by differences.

I want to be part of the sea, shapeless and connected.

The urges that bubble up inside of me whenever I look out to the sea.

That is what I hate, the way it effects me.

The strange, almost emotionless feeling, that I want to be one with the sea.

The feelings are there now, telling me to walk forward, to meet the water's edge and not turn back.

I won't have to be myself anymore, in this awkward body.

I hate my body, so ugly and deformed.

I didn't want him to see that, to be repulsed by me.

In the end I just pushed him away even though all I wanted was to keep him with me.

Now there isn't any point to stay like this, in this body.

I don't want to suffer all the hindrances this body brings with it.

I want to be something else, no longer what I am.

Something shapeless and emotionless.

I kick off my shoes and walk down the beach, sand delving in-between my toes.

I walk slowly, purposefully, knowing exactly what I'm doing.

I know, but I no longer feel, I no longer remember.

All the memories, all the emotions, are slowly being washed out inside me.

All I think about is the dark mass of water in front of me, beckoning me with open arms.

The only mother I have now.

My mother died a few years ago, in my old body's past.

She got engulfed by the water, but she didn't by will.

She struggled and grasped for air and land, until eventually she stopped struggling and let herself sink.

She drowned, became part of the sea.

I feel like she's there with the water, opening her arms to me, blue and shimmering, turquoise and translucent.

I walk more quickly now, impatient to meet her, to feel her embrace.

My feet touch the water, cold and lapping.

I carry on walking, wading...

The water rising against my thighs, my stomach, my shoulders.

Now I'm floating like a piece of drift wood on the water, having passed the breaking waves.

I'm drifting out on a rip tide, away from this life.

I think about him one more time, and then his name and face slip from my mind.

My own name escapes me, and what I am becomes meaningless.

All I remember is the warm, loving face of my mother, hazel eyes and chestnut waves.

Then the water, turquoise eyes and deep blue waves.

I let the arms of the water surround me, drag me under, lead me to where my mother is.

To where my place is in this new world, this new life.

I close my eyes, submitting to the water, never to open them again.

I am no longer myself.

I am the sea.