What I am
Introduction
I awoke this morning with the dull ringing of some regretful realization throbbing through my mind.
It was a realization simple enough, near petty in the way it sounded; and its lack of immediate importance near killed me when it mixed with the fact that it mattered so much to me at the same time.
What was my realization? What was it that ate at me? I realized that, despite the fact that my sleep was so incredibly deep, that I awoke in a state of fatigue that was worse than before I had gone to sleep last night; if that really is possible.
And what was worse? I realized that this semi-catatonic state that I live within was never going to go away, that I was always going to be like this, also; the fact that I had always been like this, for as long as I dare look back.
I realized that my life would always be nothing more than an endless flood of stress and anxiety. Slowly and painfully, suffocating my will to live out of me.
And as this poisonous thought found its way into my mind I was not without the temptation to calmly make my way outside, and wait for the next sizeable truck, and calmly step in front of it at the last moment.
Just to see what it is like to plunge into nothing. Not even darkness. Just that of absence; to launch myself into that deep dark hole I’ve spent my entire life peering over the edge of.
Of course, I didn’t... I haven’t... not yet anyway. I’m left with nothing but an animal desire to live. And that’s the only thing keeping me; no naive curiosity of the future, no desire for fame and wealth, or love and joy. Just the horrible instinct I have no control over; the will to live.
And something I don’t have a name for.
It was a realization simple enough, near petty in the way it sounded; and its lack of immediate importance near killed me when it mixed with the fact that it mattered so much to me at the same time.
What was my realization? What was it that ate at me? I realized that, despite the fact that my sleep was so incredibly deep, that I awoke in a state of fatigue that was worse than before I had gone to sleep last night; if that really is possible.
And what was worse? I realized that this semi-catatonic state that I live within was never going to go away, that I was always going to be like this, also; the fact that I had always been like this, for as long as I dare look back.
I realized that my life would always be nothing more than an endless flood of stress and anxiety. Slowly and painfully, suffocating my will to live out of me.
And as this poisonous thought found its way into my mind I was not without the temptation to calmly make my way outside, and wait for the next sizeable truck, and calmly step in front of it at the last moment.
Just to see what it is like to plunge into nothing. Not even darkness. Just that of absence; to launch myself into that deep dark hole I’ve spent my entire life peering over the edge of.
Of course, I didn’t... I haven’t... not yet anyway. I’m left with nothing but an animal desire to live. And that’s the only thing keeping me; no naive curiosity of the future, no desire for fame and wealth, or love and joy. Just the horrible instinct I have no control over; the will to live.
And something I don’t have a name for.
♠ ♠ ♠
You like?